Where Have You Gone?
by Imagine what if
Summary: Ross has loved Rachel forever while Rachel loved Ross with a passion she had never had with any other man. The epilogue is now published. This story is now COMPLETE.
1. I have to see him, again

"I used to think you were someone that would never ever hurt me, ever. God and now I just can't stop picturing you with her. I can't, it doesn't matter what you say or what do Ross, it's just changed everything. Forever ..."

"This can't be it!"

"Then how come it is?"

------------------------------------------------

Seven months and six days …

… That's how long it had been since their fatal conversation.

CLICK – CLACK

CLICK – CLACK

CLICK – CLACK

As she rode the subway she wondered what she would say.

Both had made their decisions and would live with them. Both were responsible for the current state of affairs.

CLICK – CLACK

CLICK – CLACK

He had cheated on her, on them. He had changed everything, forever.

She had a choice, give the relationship another chance … or end it on the spot. She had chosen the later, a decision that she would live to regret. He was many things to her, most of all her best friend. She missed him.

After the breakup he made another choice, not nearly as big as his infidelity but almost as important, he withdrew. He pulled back from his friends and from her. Even his sister was not immune from his departure. In the 220 days since the breakup he had seen Monica less than a dozen times. A birthday, an anniversary, that was the extent of it. He did only what was necessary to maintain minimal family contact.

Rachel wondered. She had fared worse than his sister. She could count on one hand the number of times she had been in the same room with him over that time span. Each time they were in a group of people and never alone. He would utter no more than a few words of greeting to her before starting a conversation with another. She wondered why …

The train neared her stop. Outwardly, she gathered her purse and coat. Inwardly, she mustered up her courage.

As she approached the building she stopped. Looking up, she peered at his window, wondering if he was home. She hoped he was. There she stood, loitering by the entrance. Finally gathering enough nerve she opened the door and entered.

Standing before his door she paused, questioning her motives for being there. She needed to see him. She needed to know why, why he had withdrawn from the group … and from her. She had to know what he had been doing with himself all this time.

Her anticipation rising, she raised her hand and knocked on the door.

"Hold on, I'll be right there!" responded a voice from the other side of the door …

She breathed deeply.

… it was a woman's voice.

2


	2. He's not alone

Before she knew it, before she had a chance to bolt the door began to open.

"Yes, may I help you?" asked the woman.

She was at a loss for words. She simply didn't know what to say. She stood there staring at her. She assessed the woman from top-to-bottom. She was tall with long brown hair. She was relatively thin and attractive. She had a glow about her. She soon discovered why. She was pregnant.

"Are you alright?" Asked the woman.

Rachel came to her senses …

"I'm, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong apartment."

"Who are you looking for? I know most of my neighbors on this floor of the building."

"I'm looking for Ross, Ross Gellar."

"Well this is your lucky day. Ross lives here. Are you are friend of his?"

Rachel considered how to answer such a simple question. In the past her response would have just flowed from her lips. She would say she was his best friend or his girlfriend or perhaps his fiancé, but this reality was so much bleaker, she didn't know what she was to him anymore.

"I, I … I used to be."

The woman was no fool. She could see the conflict in Rachel's eyes. She pulled back and gave her the once-over. She wondered … the light came on.

"Oh my God, you're her!"

"Who?" asked Rachel.

"You're the girl, the girl in the picture!"

"What picture?" asked Rachel.

"A photo that Ross showed me, a long time ago. I asked him about his friends and he pulled out this picture. It was taken at a coffee house. The picture was of Ross and five of his friends. You held a special place in the picture … you were on his lap."

"Oh." She replied.

The woman wanted to talk, to ask her a myriad of questions. She invited her in …

"Please, please come in. My name is Marie."

Rachel's feelings were conflicted. She wanted to go in but she also wanted to run. She wanted to know how he was … but she did not want to talk to her replacement in his life."

"… please?" implored Marie.

Rachel surrendered. Her feet started moving. She entered the apartment. The door closed behind her.

"Please, sit down. Can I get you something?"

"No, that's fine. How along are you … with the pregnancy I mean?"

"Six months." She replied.

Reclining on the couch, Rachel stared at her belly. It was so obvious to her. He had found someone else and less than a month after their breakup. To make things worse she was pregnant, pregnant with his child. In her mind it was obvious where she stood with Ross. She simply didn't exist anymore. She looked away …

Sitting on the chair the woman sat, staring, staring at THE woman, the woman who had destroyed a man. She held great power over her opponent and she knew it. She could completely and utterly destroy Rachel if she chose to do so. All it would take is a few choice words. She considered how much she must have mattered to him and how much she cared for Ross. If the pair had ever been that close then there still must be a part of him in her. Marie could not hurt him. She chose honesty …

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Hasn't Ross ever told you about me?"

"No, but don't take it personally, he's told me very little about anything or anyone in his past. All I know is that he has a sister named Monica."

Rachel flinched. He hadn't even mentioned her name. She meant nothing to him …

"My name is Rachel … Monica is my best friend."

Marie finally had a name to associate with the woman, the woman who occupied his lap, who possessed his heart. She wanted more …

"So what happened Rachel? What happened between you and Ross?"

Rachel felt out of place. It was not her place to divulge this kind of information to his lover. She fidgeted on the couch.

Marie realized that the information she wanted would not be free. Everything in life comes with a price. An exchange of information would be required to get Rachel to open up … she had a lot of information to share. She moved her hands to her stomach and gently rubbed where the baby laid within her. Rachel noted this move with disgust …

"Rachel, the baby is not his."

Taken aback, Rachel dropped her jaw and turned her head toward Marie. Her bias against this woman began to diminish.

"It's not?"

"No."

Marie looked her straight in the eye …

"Rachel, you need information … I want information. You ask a question … I ask a question. OK?"

Rachel considered her offer and agreed. It was fair transaction.

"Alright Marie, tell me about the baby and how you ended up here, living with Ross."

"I am a student at NYU. I was in love with a charming guy. We lived together until the fateful evening that I discovered I was pregnant with his child. The son-of-a-bitch threw me out. I had no place to go. I had to move in with some girlfriends who shared a tiny apartment. The apartment was so small that I had to sleep on the floor. I met Ross at the university; I was in one of his classes. He overheard me arguing with one of my roommates about the crowding at their apartment. I needed to find a place to live so badly. Ross felt sorry for me and offered me a room here. Initially I was skeptical at first. A guy would never offer something for nothing. I knew that he had ulterior motives … but he didn't, you don't know how good he's been to me. He's taken me and my unborn baby in and hasn't asked for anything in return."

Now it was Marie's turn to ask …

"Please tell me … who are you to Ross and what happened between the two of you?"

Rachel's eyes lowered.

"Ross and I dated for a year. On our first anniversary he cheated on me with another woman."

Marie responded, "I find it hard to believe that he would do that to you."

Rachel was incredulous, Marie was obviously in love with him and she would probably never believe he was capable of cheating.

"Why do you say that, Marie? What has he said to you to make you believe that he isn't like any other man?"

Marie could see that she had hit a sore spot. She responded …

"Rachel, he has said nothing to me about this. I know so little about him and his past. He just doesn't talk about it. I said what I said because of his actions. I have lived with him for almost six months and he has never been anything other than a perfect gentleman."

Rachel interjected …

"Marie, you're in love with him aren't you?"

Her eyes gave her away …

"How did you know?"

"I can see it in your eyes and in your words when you talk about him. Does he feel the same way?"

Marie's eyes watered a bit …

"Yes and no." She looked down. "He loves me, but only as a friend. I've made my feelings known to him … but he doesn't feel the same about me. He won't even kiss me. He just gives me a peck on the cheek as he would a sister."

Rachel was surprised and a bit curious. "Are you sure?

"Yes I'm sure! What's a woman to do? I've finally found a great guy, so great that he takes me and my unborn child in … no strings attached! He offers to go to la Maze classes with me and be a stand-in father to someone else's baby! I make passes at him, I tell him how I feel about him and he still doesn't reciprocate my feelings. I've tried sexy clothes, I've made him countless dinners, I given him ample opportunities to have me … but he won't!

Rachel was shaken. She had given him up for lost. Now another woman loved him. That same woman would do anything to have him … and she was jealous.

Before Rachel could fully absorb her outburst Marie spoke up again …

"Rachel, what spell have you cast over him, what trance do you have him under, what have you done to totally break this man?"

Again she was shaken, shocked to her very core. He wouldn't talk to her; she had thought he hated her. He had avoided her like the plague. Now she was being accused of something totally alien to her. All she had done was break up with the guy, nothing more, nothing less. She retorted …

"How dare you ask me these questions! You have no idea what happened or what Ross put me through! He …"

Marie interrupted …

"Rachel, he obviously hurt you badly or else you wouldn't have broken up with him."

Marie lowered her gaze for a moment and then returned her eyes towards Rachel's …

"All I know is that I live with a broken shell of a man. He's been devastated by something from his past. It's like all of the color has left his life and now he can only see in shades of grey. Rachel, I love this man, but he doesn't love me. I love him so much that I will do anything I can to bring his soul back to life! To do this I may need your help. I must try to help him even if it means I will lose him … forever."

Rachel couldn't believe what she was hearing. She thought she had loved him, she thought that she knew what love all about … but she was wrong.

As they sat there in their depressed states the doorknob started to move. Marie gestured to Rachel … "It's him, he's home!"


	3. The look on her face

The pair froze as the door opened.

Marie was seated on the couch, somewhat envious of her rival because Rachel was once in the position she dreamed of being in. She would love for him to think of her so.

Rachel was seated on the chair facing away from the door, nervously fidgeting while staring at Marie. She hadn't seen Ross in weeks and didn't know how he would react to her presence in his apartment.

Ross entered the apartment …

"Hey Marie, how was your day?" he asked as he closed the door. He was unaware that they had a guest. Releasing the door knob he turned to face his roommate. It was at this moment he noticed her, seated on the chair. Assuming it was a friend of hers he proceeded over to the chair, raising his hand as a greeting …

"Hi, my name is Ross, Ross Gellar."

Rachel closed her eyes and hesitated. Rising from her seat she turned …

"I know …" is all that came out of her mouth.

In shock, his left hand relaxed, causing his briefcase to fall to the floor. They stood there for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for the other to say something. Neither dared utter a word.

It was Marie who decided to break the ice …

"So Ross, how was your day?"

"It, it … was fine, just like any other day I guess … until now." He replied.

He never took his eyes off of her, he couldn't. She, on the other hand couldn't look at him for long. She lowered her gaze.

Marie could feel the tension in the air; it was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Moving around the couch she picked the briefcase off the floor and took his coat to his bedroom. Returning, she found them exactly where she had left them. She decided to let them talk, alone.

"Ross, I'm going out to get some fresh air. I'll be back in a while. I bought some groceries and wine at the market. Make something if you're hungry."

Hearing Marie's voice brought him out of his trance. He turned his head to her …

"Marie, you don't have to leave."

"Yes Ross, I do. Sit down and talk to Rachel, she deserves that. I'll be back soon."

… and the door closed. Marie stood there, in the hall with tears streaming down her face, wondering if she had done the right thing.

Inside the apartment the pair stood there in uncomfortable silence until Ross moved to the couch and sat down.

As she lowered herself to the chair she began …

"So Ross, how have you been?"

"I've been fine I guess. You?"

"I've been good. The gang misses you."

"I miss them too."

She was tired of the pleasantries; she was tired of the distance between them. She wanted what they once had. She wanted to talk …

"Why Ross, why have you gone? Why did you leave us?" She asked.

Ross rose from the sofa and walked to the window. Staring out into the city he replied, trying to buy some time …

"Rachel, would you like something to eat or drink?"

"No but do you know what I would like?" She asked.

"What?" he replied, turning to face her.

"I'd like what we used to have. I'd like to have an honest, intelligent conversation with you, free of lies and deception."

He thought for a moment … staring into her eyes. He replied …

"Marie was right, you deserve what you ask. You deserve to have your questions answered."

"Will you talk to me then?" She asked.

He wasn't prepared for the multitude of emotions he was feeling … It was supposed to be a normal day, just like any other. He would finish his classes and come home. He wasn't ready …

He couldn't face her. His eyes returned to the window.

"I left because I hurt you. After that horrible night we fought constantly, we made things worse. I had to leave."

"You've left me and you're living with another woman. You've forgotten me."

"Rachel, listen to me, please. I have never loved anyone more than I loved you. I still love you. As hard as it is to believe I think I love you a hundred times more than I love my sister!"

She was stunned by his admittance …

"You could have stayed, we could have been friends."

"No Rachel, we could not be just friends."

She looked at him in disbelief. She thought about how wrong his statement was. It made no sense.

"Ross, we've been friends for a long time. You used to be my best friend. Why do you think we couldn't be friends?"

"Rachel, after being so close for so long I could never go back to being just your friend. I know it sounds selfish but I know myself, I just couldn't do it!"

"Why Ross, why can't you be my friend once again?"

He had had months to prepare an explanation for her yet it escaped him. He shot from the hip, hoping that his words would be sufficient …

"Rachel, in every man's life the possibility exists of finding just the right girl, the one that makes his life worth living, the one that completes him. You are that girl to me. For the rest of my life every woman I meet will be judged against MY perfect woman … you. I can't go back to just being friends, it hurts too much!"

She was confused …

"What do you mean …?"

He continued …

"Rachel, it hurts too much being around you. I can't be around you and not hold you, kiss you or love you. Friends don't do these things, lovers do. I can't be just your friend Rachel because I love you too damn much!"

She strained through her tears to respond to his revelation. She exposed her soul …

"Ross, I may have been mad at you but I never stopped loving you!"

He turned, wiping a tear from his cheek …

"I know that you still love me. That's the other reason I cannot be just a friend."

They hadn't talked about the subject since the breakup. He knew that it would cause her pain but it had to be talked about, it had to be brought out into the open …

"Aren't you curious as to why I slept with her?"

Wiping the running makeup from her face she became angry. She had come up again, the one who had come between them. Just the mention of "her" would enrage her.

"I know why you slept with Chloe, you thought we were on a break! You are no different than any other man Ross, you were horny and wanted to get laid!"

Her words cut him like a knife. He bled tears. Turning away from the window towards her once again he responded to her accusation in a subdued whisper …

"No Rachel, you're wrong. I wasn't horny; I was not looking to get laid. I thought our relationship was over. When I called you that night and heard you with Mark I thought that you didn't want me anymore. I was angry at you and I was hurt. I slept with her to get back at you, to hurt you. I never enjoyed being with her, it was the worst experience of my life."

"You were trying to hurt me?"

"Yes and the guilt that I've felt for hurting you has consumed my life. Every time I think about you I ache, I ache for the hurt and pain that I've caused you."

She cried, harder than she had ever cried before.

Moved to action Ross walked over to her and embraced her in his arms.


	4. Anticipation, rising

The next day …

Monica, Phoebe and Joey are eating breakfast in the kitchen …

"Monica, where's Rachel, I haven't seen her all day?"

"Shhh, Phoebe, she's still sleeping."

"She must have had a hot date last night!"

"Joey, wherever she was and whatever she was doing is none of our business. Keep it down and let her sleep!" snapped Monica.

Hours later Rachel had still not left her room. Monica had become concerned. Quietly she turned the knob on her bedroom door and slowly opened it. Rachel was awake …

"Good morning."

She turned to find Rachel lying on her bed, in her pajamas, staring at the ceiling, in deep thought.

"Before you ask … last night I went to see your brother."

Monica looked down for a moment and replied "Oh". She paused again before continuing … "How is he?"

"Monica, I asked him the same question, he told me that he guessed that he was OK."

Monica was curious …

"He guessed he was OK?"

There was no easy, straightforward answer to her question. She chose to be vague …

"Mon, it's complicated."

Monica was not surprised by her answer. Everything about them was complicated. For many months their group of friends had been incomplete and she wanted to know why. She wanted answers …

"Why did you go to see him?"

"I missed him and I wanted to talk. I needed to know things."

Monica was becoming increasingly curious. Rachel had information but she didn't want to pry too hard to get it out of her.

"Rachel, I don't want to pry but he's my brother! Please, please tell me something, anything about him and how he is doing."

Rachel considered her request. She deserved to know about how he was doing. She wanted to tell her everything.

"Well, he's still working at the museum, he misses us, and he's living with a pregnant woman who's madly in love with him!"

Rachel was surprised. Monica showed no reaction to her revelation. She was sure that Monica would have been astonished. She wasn't...

Monica looked down, away from her friend …

"You knew! You knew and you never told me!"

"Rachel, Ross sometimes calls to ask how we're doing. He tells me that he misses us. I tell him that we miss him too. A few months ago I called him to talk and Marie answered. We talked for a while. She told me about herself, how Ross had taken her in and the pregnancy. Later I told Ross that Marie and I had talked on the phone. He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you."

"Why especially me?" Asked Rachel, getting upset.

"Rachel, please don't ask me to be drawn in between the two of you. I …"

Rachel ignored her plea …

"Monica! Tell me! Why especially me?"

Monica raised herself momentarily off the bed and moved closer to her friend. Taking her hand she replied …

"Because he loves you. He didn't want you to know because you might misunderstand. He felt that if you knew he was living with her that it would hurt you and he doesn't want to cause you anymore pain. He's carrying the weight of all his guilt from your breakup on his shoulders. Any more might break him."

* * *

The next Thursday …

Monica gets a call …

"Hello."

"Oh hey Ross, it's great to hear your voice. What's up?"

The siblings talked for a while, discussing things. They missed each other. Just before the call ended …

"Yes Ross, we're having a birthday party for Rachel this weekend at Central Perk. That would be great! Wait, what about Rachel? Sure … sure, I'll ask her and get back with you. Talk to you later, bye."

* * *

Later that day,

Rachel has returned from work …

The pair is eating dinner at the kitchen table …

"Uh, Rachel. Ross called earlier today. He wanted to see if you were OK with something."

Rachel had a mouth full of food. She stopped chewing as soon as she heard his name. She looked up at Monica …

"OK with what?"

"He wants to see if you're OK with him coming to your birthday party this weekend.

"He doesn't need my permission to see the gang."

"He wants to see all of us but he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. He doesn't want to ruin your party."

Rachel considered the implications of this. She felt both excited and anxious. Having him there would be the best gift she could receive. She didn't want her friend to know how she felt. She acted indifferently …

"Monica, I don't have a problem with him coming."

* * *

Saturday night had arrived and the gang had gathered at Central Perk. The group occupied their customary positions on the couch and chairs. Each anticipated Ross's arrival in their own way. Phoebe, Joey and Chandler had not seen their friend since his departure almost 8 months hence. Monica looked forward to reconnecting with her brother and showing him some family pictures. Rachel differed from the rest of the group, she was nervous. She had spent the last week obsessing over their talk. She had digested each sentence, trying to find meaning in every word he had said. She saw no solution to their predicament. If he could not be her friend then what could they be?

Ross was uncharacteristically late as the door to the coffee house opened. The reason for his tardiness was readily apparent. He was not alone...


	5. The invitation

Five sets of eyes shifted their gaze as he entered the 'Perk, gently ushering her through the door and down the step, towards the couch …

Stopping, he released his hand and approached his sister …

"I'm sorry … I missed you." He said as they hugged and as he kissed her cheek.

Moving to Phoebe he repeated his regret and requested forgiveness.

Shaking hands and hugging Joey and Chandler he reiterated his feelings "Guys, I'm sorry I abandoned you."

"Dude, it's OK, At least you're back now." Replied Joey.

Turning to Rachel he smiled. "Happy birthday Rachel." He said, before giving her a peck on the cheek.

Taken aback, she just stood there staring at them with her mouth slightly open, in shock.

He turned and returned to her side …

"Everyone, this is Marie, my roommate."

An uncomfortable silence followed, eerily similar to the silence that followed the introduction of Julie to the group the previous year. It seemed like forever before his sister broke the silence.

Moving to her side she greeted her with a hug … "Hi, I'm Monica."

"Monica it's so nice to finally meet you."

Gesturing with his hand Ross interjected …

"This is Phoebe and Joey and Chandler and you've met Rachel."

"Sure, we've met." replied Marie, smiling at Rachel.

Rachel was incredulous …

"Hello Marie. How are you and the baby doing tonight?" responded Rachel unbelievingly. She couldn't believe what was happening. He had brought another woman to her birthday party. He had crossed the line …

Seeing her becoming angry, Ross gingerly, yet swiftly moved Marie to the couch, allowing her to sit. Monica and Phoebe quickly ran damage control for him, reclining on either side of her and initiating some small-talk.

"Joey, Chandler please help the girls keep Marie company. I've got to talk to Rachel." He whispered, in a subdued tone only they could hear.

"Dude, you're going to need a hell of an explanation to get out of this mess." Replied Chandler.

"Yeah Ross, what were you thinking bringing another woman to Rachel's birthday party? Have you gone nuts?"

Ross glared at his buddies. "No, I am not crazy. Please go over and keep Marie company. She's a wonderful girl; you'd both like her a lot … if you would only give her a chance."

"I don't know dude …" replied Joey.

"Please." Plead Ross.

"Alright Ross, I hope you know what your doing!"

He stood there for a moment looking at her, sitting on the chair. She was looking away, not wanting to speak to him, not wanting to be at her own party. He took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack. Returning to the couch he lowered himself to her chair …

"Rachel …"

She looked away, this time in the other direction.

"Rachel, please look at me. I need to talk to you."

She was hurt and angry …

"What do you want to talk about Ross!?! Can't you see that I'm busy enjoying my birthday party?"

Her voice was loud, angry and hurt. The others tried to act like they hadn't heard … it wasn't easy.

Ross stood up and scanned the room. Finding what he was looking for he grabbed her hand.

Feeling his touch caused her to flinch, she pulled her hand away, violently. His was the last hand she wanted to hold …

"Rachel, would you please get up and come with me, over to that booth over there? I need to talk to you in private."

Rachel was furious but wasn't going to give him the satisfaction by showing it …

"Wouldn't your girlfriend get jealous if we went over there, just the two of us?"

He looked into her eyes. She looked back.

"Please?"

Overcome by his pleading and the longing in his eyes she surrendered …

"Fine!" she said as she got up off the chair and headed for the relative seclusion of the booth.

Following her he sat across the table. He began …

"Rachel, this is not what it appears. You've misunderstood …"

"What have I misunderstood Ross? Explain it to me! You bring another woman to my birthday party … what's to misunderstand?"

He chose his words very carefully …

"Rachel, yes, Marie is a woman but we are not dating. Marie is my roommate."

Rachel rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, not believing him. He continued …

"Rachel, I'm telling you this so that you will understand … I promise you, I have no romantic interest in Marie, whatsoever."

"Then what is she doing here?" asked Rachel, defiantly.

"Rachel, when I met Marie I was alone. I had abandoned my friends because of the pain I had caused you. I was alone in a self-imposed exile. When I met Marie she needed someone, someone to watch over her. I made her a promise to help her through this, to help with the baby and to get her back on her feet."

He looked down …

"I keep my promises …"

Rachel was moved but she wasn't showing it. She retained her mask of anger …

"What about the promise that you made to me? You said that you loved me and then you slept with that tramp!"

"Rachel, I'm sorry, I've explained what happened to you. I don't expect you to forgive me … because I can't forgive myself, all I can say it that I'm in love with only one woman…"

He again looked down, unable to look at her …

" … and it's not Marie."

Another uncomfortable pause ensued … his words were full of consolation. She was still angry …

"Ross, why did you bring her here, to MY birthday party?"

"Rachel, Marie has no one and no where to go. She has no one to watch over her. She's nearly 7 months pregnant. I am trying to get her out to meet other people. She needs to make more friends … and find a boyfriend."

She blinked. "What did he say?" She thought.

"Why does she need a boyfriend when she has you?"

"Rachel, stop for a second and think. Imagine that you've found someone and you fall in love. Later, that someone abandons you. It shouldn't be hard for you to imagine … since it's happened to you."

He lowered his eyes from hers; in shame. Rachel's eyes teared a bit. After another pause he continued …

"Now imagine that that someone abandoned you while you were carrying their child! Rachel, I just can't do that to her! It would be wrong to do so. I am already scum! What would I be if I threw Marie out onto the street?"

She considered his words. If he was telling the truth then he was right. He couldn't throw her out. If he did, he wouldn't be Ross …

"Ross, you just have to understand … "

Ross had seen this coming. He cut her off …

" … that Marie is a woman, an attractive pregnant woman, and you see her as a threat."

She sat there for a minute wondering how he would know these things, these feelings. After all, he was just a man.

"Rachel Green, I want you to know that you are loved. Wherever you go and whatever you do, there is someone who loves you, who thinks and prays for you, everyday."

"Ross …"

"Happy birthday, Rachel. This is the most important day of the year to me. The day that you were born."

"Ross …"

He wouldn't let her say a word. He wanted the stage to himself …

"Rachel, please take this, from me."

He handed her a card, stuffed in an envelope. She opened the envelope and read the card …"

_"**Rachel, I could buy you the world and you would probably return it.**_

**_PLEASE go shopping with me and let me make this birthday a day to remember."_**

She smiled at him. She laughed. She looked at him with a smile on her face …

"You know me too well Ross Gellar. Are you sure that she would be OK with this?"

"Rachel Karen Green, this is the last time I will say this so you need to so listen good … Marie is not my girlfriend; she is a friend and my roommate. I am in love with one person and it is not Marie. I don't believe that I deserve this person's love after all that I've done to her. I have caused her so much hurt and pain … I want you to understand that I have been in love with you for so long that I simply don't know how to love another woman. It's too difficult for me to comprehend! Every time you wonder about Marie, remember what I have told you."

She sat there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. If she was to believe him she had nothing to worry about. She decided to trust him. She had looked into his eyes. She could tell that he was telling the truth. She had a decision to make, to return to Ross or not. It wasn't that difficult of a decision as she had never stopped loving him. Marie was another matter. The feelings that she had expressed to her at his apartment simply did not disappear overnight …

She decided to go shopping!


	6. You are forgiven

**After a long hiatus I have decided to finish my only incomplete story. I hate leaving things unfinished and incomplete. I love the fics written here but find that I may have lost my creative touch. To that end this will probably be my last fic. I expect to be able to squeeze about 7 or so more chapters out of this storyline.**

**This is for all of those fanfic writers who made me think and made me feel. Special thanks go out to Tina, Floats, Rachgreengeller, Rrfan4life and all the others ...**

As he sat in the dark looking out his window he thought of the events of the day. Ross had never been one to hate, dislike yes, but never hate. Unfortunately for him things were very different now. He had no one to blame for the way his life had turned out but himself. He hated himself …

Ross spoke to himself quietly, so as not to wake his very pregnant roommate. He pondered his actions and the decisions that he had made the last 24 hours. It had been a long harrowing day, as it would have been for just about any man. Rachel had taken him up on his offer to go shopping for her birthday. He had allowed her to buy those things that she wanted, not those things that he thought that she wanted and then of course would return.

He was exhausted.

They had met up at her apartment at 9 AM so that they could get to her favorite stores just as they opened. After a brisk three hours of non-stop running she had insisted that they eat at her favorite restaurant, at his expense. She would make him pay … and pay he did. After lunch another six hours of non-stop shopping ensued as they ran from Macy's to Bloomingdale's and to all her favorite boutiques.

He was indeed exhausted … and hungry.

As they stopped at her door she fumbled for the key, the bags she carried were in the way. Finally unlocking the door she flew through the doorway with a broad smile on her face. She had spent the entire day in heaven and now came the fun part … looking over her acquisitions and trying on her new clothes. Ross, on the other hand found himself unable to smile. He was tired and starving and he carried the heaviest of her shopping bags in his arms. He felt like a beast of burden.

"Rach, where do you want these?"

Turning, she faced him trying to hold back a giggle. He looked like a boyfriend or husband that had been coerced to go shopping with his girlfriend or wife.

"His girlfriend … his wife …" she thought. Her smile disappeared as she wondered, staring at him, lost in thought. She found herself in one of those moments where you just stare off and think, pushing the rest of the universe aside. After a few seconds he brought her out of her trance …

"Rach, Rachel, are you alright?"

Slowly Rachel came out of it, refocusing her attention on the here and now.

"What … what did you say? I'm sorry, I was just thinking about something."

"It must have been pretty important to make you forget about these shopping bags." He said as he gestured to the load that he carried.

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry Ross. Here, put them on the couch and I'll go through them later."

As he dropped them on the couch he replied "Thanks, they were getting heavier by the second." Pausing, he continued "Rach, did you enjoy shopping for your birthday presents?"

"Ross, are you kidding? I had the best time. Thanks for this wonderful birthday present!"

"You're welcome Rach, you deserve it all. Remember, I have all the receipts so if you need to return anything … just let me know."

"Yeah right Ross, like that's going to happen." She replied, rolling her eyes.

"Rachel, with you … you never know."

And at that she picked up a pillow from the couch and playfully threw it at him, not out of anger but out of a desire, a desire to go back and return to the time before their breakup, a time of happiness when anything was possible. She missed those times and she wanted them back. But could she? Rachel had always assumed that it was totally her decision to bail on their relationship … based upon his jealousy and his indiscretion with the copy tramp. She was under the assumption that if and when she was ready to resume their relationship she would tell him that she was able to forgive him … and that they would be Ross and Rachel again. She would soon learn that assumptions can be wrong.

"Hey! What was that for?" He asked.

"It was for your unnecessary comment about my tendencies to return things. Remember Geller, I bought these things … I know what I like."

"Alright but just in case you need to exchange something I have the receipts. I need these to total up the damage from your shopping frenzy." He said as he leafed through the receipts he carried in his hand.

"So Ross, how much did we spend?"

Ross started laughing. "How much did WE spend? Rachel, I will have no idea how much YOU spent until I total these up!"

As he continued to scan through the receipts he was again hit by a pillow thrown by his ex-girlfriend. As the pillow and receipts fell to the floor he raised his head to look at her. She wore a broad smile, a smile like she used to wear when she was happy and in love with him. Why, why did it make him feel uncomfortable? He should be happy … but he was not. They were getting close again, something that he was not ready for.

"Ross, can we talk for a sec, please?"

"Sure Rach, what's up?" He asked, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his own feelings. He hadn't had a "talk" with her since the long, long night of their breakup. He never thought he would get the chance to be this close to her … again. He didn't believe he deserved it …

"It's been a long time since we … you know."

"Since we broke up?"

"Yeah, since we broke up. I … I just wanted to tell you something. I … I ... I just wanted to tell you that I was hurt very badly by what you did …"

He interjected. "I know Rach, I cheated on you and I'm sorry. I am scum. I'm not worthy of you. I know that you could never forgive me …"

It was her chance to interrupt … "Ross, I … I do forgive you. I realize that a relationship involves two people and when something goes wrong … both people in the relationship are responsible. I … I got too involved with work and failed to pay our relationship enough attention. I regret that I bailed on you … on us."

Before she could continue she paused. She looked into his eyes … the eyes of the only man she had ever loved. He wore a face that perplexed her. She was opening up to him. She was forgiving him for his past sins against her. She was acknowledging her partial responsibility for their breakup … yet he wore an expression that she had not expected.

She was ready to begin, again.

What had she expected? It was nothing like what she now saw before her. He wore a face of sadness, not just sadness … but a face of extreme sorrow.

He was only a few inches away from her. He could smell her. He began to imagine what it used to be like. He started to cry …

"Rachel, please don't say it! I really enjoyed watching you shop today … but I've got to go. It's late and I have a busy day tomorrow."

"But Ross tomorrow is Sunday. You don't work on Sunday … do you?"

Ross thought quickly. He had to end this fast or he would cave under her questioning. He had to find a way out fast … before he lost it.

"No, but I have … have to help Marie. We have to get ready for the baby … you know."

He knew that his words would sting. He knew that she would be hurt. He thought it better that she hurt a little now than a lot later. He had to push her away.

Hurt she was …

"Ross, why? Why did you bring her up right now? Why?"

"I'm sorry Rach but … but I've got to go."

… and before she could reply he was gone. Her eyes of sorrow staring at the cold, dark door.

She found herself alone in her normally warm and inviting apartment.

He had done it again …


	7. For her to be happy again

Love can hurt.

Ross and Rachel knew this all too well.

Their pain was extraordinary.

For them time slowed. Their misery caused their perception of the passing of time to slow to an excruciatingly slow pace. Pain and grief were their constant companions.

Rachel found herself as alone as she had ever been. She had to deal with a new set of feelings, completely alien to herself. Gone was the popular, ex-cheerleader, self assured and vibrant woman. She had been rejected for the first time in her life … by the man she loved. With each passing day she died, again. She wondered what she had done to deserve this.

Ross had felt bad before. He would use words such as "horrible" and "terrible" to describe how he felt after he had left her alone in her apartment.

The low points of his short adult life came back to him …

... The day Carol left him for another woman,

… The day he told her that this ship had sailed,

… The day he made the list … and she read it,

… That awful day when she found out,

… The day when she made her decision to give up on them.

He had hurt her again.

His mind wrestled with the concept of having it all and giving it up … for the one he loved.

Ross loved her more than life itself … but he was not ready. He was ill prepared for the responsibility and the love of the woman who occupied his every thought … his every breath.

The only things that kept him sane were thoughts of those people that made his life worth living. He thought of his sister, his friends, his son Ben and ex-wife Carol. He had to go on for them.

He thought of his son and the hurt he would cause him if he gave up.

Ross treasured those alone times with Ben. You always want what you don't or can't have. Ross could never get enough of Ben. He knew that his time with his son was short. There is a knock at his door …

"Hi Carol. Hey Susan …"

Carol could see that something was wrong. Her first inclination was to worry about her son. "Is he alright?" she thought. Seeing Ben playing on the floor she immediately turned her attention to the father of her child …

"Ross, are you alright? You look terrible."

"I'm fine. While you were gone Ben was a little angel of course. I appreciate you letting me take care of him these last few days."

At that moment Carol grabbed Ross and dragged him into his bedroom …

"Ross, what's wrong with you? You can try to hide things from me but I can see right through you. We used to be married, remember? You couldn't lie to me then either. Now what's wrong?"

"Carol, Ben and I had a great weekend together. Having him here helped me forget …"

"What Ross? What are you trying to forget?"

"Carol, I need to deal with this in my own way alright? I just need some time."

"Ross, is this about Rachel?"

He looked down …

She knew him too well.

"Look Ross, I don't know what's going on between you two but if you don't take care of yourself how can you be expected to take care of Ben? You are the best father to Ben that I could ask for but you have to take care of yourself or … or … we'll have to reconsider letting you take him."

"Don't do this Carol! You know how much I love my son. Get that idea out of your head! It's not going to happen. I would never hurt Ben. I will take care of myself and get cleaned up …"

At that moment they heard a voice from the living room …

"Carol, we've got to go or we're going to be late!"

"Oh, I forgot! Alright Susan I'll be right there."

Turning towards her ex she continued …

"Ross, look, take care of yourself. We all care about you. Promise me that you will … for us."

"I promise. I will take care of myself. I don't want you worrying about me … and I don't want you to have any concerns about me caring for our son."

"Good. Susan, Ben and I have to go. We'll see you next week. Are you coming by to pick Ben up next weekend or do you want us to drop him off?"

"I'll pick him up. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

As the door closed behind them Carol, Susan and Ben started their trek down to the street to catch a cab when all of the sudden they ran into Monica who was walking up to visit her brother …

"Hey Monica, how are you?"

"On, I'm fine Carol. Hey Susan, hey Ben. I was just going up to visit Ross. I haven't seen much of him. He's been keeping to himself lately."

"Susan, could you please take Ben down and hail a cab? I'd like to talk to Monica for a minute. I'll be right down."

"Sure Carol, but don't be too long." And they were gone …

"Monica, we just left Ross's apartment and something's wrong. He's so quiet and he's not taking care of himself. I'm worried about him. Do you know what could be wrong?"

"Carol, all I know is that my roommate has hardly left her room for the last week. Rachel goes to work, comes home and locks herself in her room. She's hardly eating and she's miserable. My guess would be that they had another fight."

"But Monica, I thought they had broken up six months ago."

"They did but something happened last week and I'm going up to his apartment to find out what it was."

"Well good luck. I'll hope for the best."

"Bye."

Winded from climbing the stairs she paused outside his door, catching her breath. Moving her ear to the door she listened for anything, anything that would give her a hint as to what had happened between them. Composing herself she knocked …

The warm water running over his exhausted body relaxed him. He let the water run over himself, not even trying to lift his arms to wash. He didn't care. Minutes had passed and still he just stood there, almost asleep yet able to keep himself upright.

Again and again she knocked. Monica knew that her brother was there and yet he wasn't answering his door. After the 4th attempt she gave in to her frustration and grasped the doorknob. Turning it, she found it unlocked. As she entered his apartment she called out his name, to no avail. Finding herself in a near-panic she started to worry about her brother. Frantically she searched the apartment until she heard the shower …

As he tired of his shower he turned off the water. Grabbing his robe he walked out of his bathroom, only to find his sister there.

"Monica, what are you doing here?"

"You forgot to lock your door."

"Well hello to you too, sis. What's up?"

"Ross, I need to talk to you. Is Marie here?"

"No. She's at her parent's house. She told me last night that she's moving out soon."

"Why, why is she moving? I thought she loved living here with you."

Hanging his head low he replied "She did … but that's the problem. Last night she told me that she couldn't live here any more. As much as she hates to do it she feels it would be better if she did something she vowed never to do … move back in with her parents."

Monica was getting increasingly curious … "But why Ross? What reason did she give for the move? My God, she's almost ready to pop."

Staring at the floor he answered her question … "Marie left because she wanted more than I could give her. She told me she loved me and that it was killing her and she couldn't take it any more. I told her that I wanted her to stay but that I understood that she had to go."

"Ross, I'm so sorry. I know you cared about her …"

"I did Monica, but apparently not enough. I promised that I would help her with the baby but I guess it was never meant to be."

With sadness in his eyes he dropped to the couch his sister standing before him. She had been in his apartment for a while and had not yet had the chance to ask him. She knew it wasn't the best time but she had to know. Sitting next to him on the couch, she began the interrogation …

"Ross, I need to talk to you about something else. I'm worried, worried about Rachel. She's really depressed, she's hardly eating and we hardly see her anymore. She spends most of her time in her room. Do you know what happened to her?"

The look on his face told her that he knew. The look of shame and the lowering of his eyes was the only confirmation that she needed.

She flew off the couch in a rage …

"What did you do to her?"

"Did you hurt her again?"

"Why did you do it?"

"Hasn't she been through enough?"

"You cheated on her … and now this?"

He had had enough. He raised his eyes to meet his sister's. His eyes bored into hers, not even bothering to blink. Ross narrowed his eyes and lowered his brow as he debated how to respond to her diatribe. He chose to meet her rage in kind. Monica was unprepared to reap the whirlwind.

Rising from the couch he released his fury …

"DAMN YOU! Damn you, Monica! Damn you for ever meeting her! Damn you for becoming her friend! Damn you for bringing her home all those years ago!"

Monica reeled backwards toward the door as he took a step toward her. With his emotions unleashed he continued though his tears …

"Damn me for falling in love with her! Damn me for making her my everything!"

Slowly recovering, Monica could begin to see how much he was dying inside. She had never seen her brother like this before. She was genuinely afraid, afraid that he might do something irrational. With everything he had been through in his life she was worried, worried that he might hurt himself … or worse. Gathering her courage she replied …

"Ross, please calm down and tell me what happened. I can see that this is hurting you, probably as much as it is hurting Rachel. Please get it out. Tell me …"

Falling to the couch from the fatigue that was his life Ross dropped his chin to his chest. Taking a breath and releasing it with a sigh he began …

"Monica, I hurt her again. I took her shopping for her birthday. You know how I hate shopping but it was the most fun that I've had since we broke up. She bought a thousand dollars worth of stuff. She was so happy. When we got back to your apartment she told me that she forgave me. She started getting close to me. She wants to get back together. I got scared, I panicked and ran. I'm not ready for that!"

Monica was taken aback at what she heard. She retorted …

"What? You love her, you always have! You broke up and you wanted to get back together. We can all see it when you're around her. You're not ready? What am I supposed to do with that? What do you mean you're not ready?"

The heat of the moment had passed and Ross found himself in a relative peace tinged with exhaustion from their confrontation. He responded, unemotionally …

"Monica, I love her more than life itself. I left her because while she can forgave me … I cannot forgive myself. The love I feel for Rachel is killing me! I want to be with her so badly but I know that I'll screw it up again!"

Monica responded …

"I can't believe that you're giving up on her! Are you so afraid that you won't try again, and again and again?"

"Monica, every time we try she gets hurt. I need to work on my jealousy and possessiveness. I need to learn how to stop holding my feelings inside and instead work on how to express them better. If I didn't love her so much I would selfishly try again … but I want her to be happy. Monica, I need to ask you a big favor."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to encourage her to move on, to try to forget me. I meant it when I said I wanted to be with her but I meant it more when I said I want her to be happy. Right now the only way she can be happy is to be away from me."

Coming to the conclusion that he was right she conceded to his request …

"All right, I'll do it, though what do you want me to tell her?"

"I trust you to tell her what she needs to know, for her benefit. Tell her what you think you need to tell her, what you feel compelled to tell her. I know what a great sacrifice you're making for us, I know that you are uncomfortable getting between us. I love you … I appreciate your sacrifice. Do what is best for her … and for yourself. Be patient and understanding with me. A part of me will always love Rachel; a part of me will always hope to be with her again. Until I can get my act together I will always try too hard to be with her. Do you know how much it pains me … to hurt the one I love?"

Rising from the couch Monica found herself reserved to her fate. She would have to accept her role as best friend, brother and intermediary. Turning towards him one last time she spoke …

"Alright Ross, I'll do my best. When will we see you again?"

"Monica, the six months I stayed away from you and the gang was very difficult … I'll try to visit more often. I'll have to temper my desire to see you all with the understanding that it would probably be better for Rachel if I didn't see her for a while. Maybe the time spent apart will give her the time to find someone else … perhaps to be happy again."

With tears in their eyes the siblings embraced, kissing each other on the cheek. Before letting her go he handed her an envelope …

"Monica, take this. Read it when you get the chance. I wrote this to Rachel to try to explain it all. Perhaps it would be better for you to read it. It may be just the thing to prove to you how serious I am about this."

Taking the envelope from her brother she wiped away her tears …

"I love you Ross. Take care of yourself."

…and she was gone.

Riding home on the subway Monica pulled the envelope from her purse and considered its contents. She would soon have to face her best friend. Anything that would make it easier was welcome. She opened it and began to read …

"Rachel,

This is both an end and a beginning. While I must continue on without you I must also be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided me to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while your sorrow may be profound the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on you again. You will find yourself facing a glorious future, a future full of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities. The horizon will stretch out before you rimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of your tomorrow.

Ross"


	8. To bag a man

Days turned into weeks …

As time passed Ross found it easier to be apart from Rachel. He had always believed the old adage that absence made the heart grow fonder. He had never considered the fact that being apart would actually get easier over time. While the separation got easier it did not mean that he didn't miss her. Ross still found it difficult to go on with his day-to-day activities. Even his beloved work at the museum had lost its luster in his eyes.

He had to accept the fact that they were no longer Ross and Rachel … and might not ever be so again. He had to admit that it was his choice to be apart … not hers. He had made the choice this time. He had to find a way to go on.

Ross didn't realize that this day would not be normal, that it would have implications in his life for some time to come …

It seemed to him to be just a normal "Ross Gellar" day. He woke at his normal time, alone. He took a shower and got dressed. All of this happened in the course of a normal morning … again, he did it alone. After taking the subway to the nearest station he exited and took the stairs to the street level. Finally arriving at the museum he anticipated a normal day. Unfortunately for him he would be called upon to debase himself … he would be called upon to return to a previous position in his life …

"What?"

"I'm sorry Ross but the flu is going around and we are extremely short of tour guides this week. I have to ask you to fill in … please! Before you received your doctorate you were the best guide that the museum has ever had. We need your help … we are so short-handed that we will have to cancel the tours of students visiting the museum."

"All right Donald. I'm not too proud to be a tour guide again. In fact … it was the best time of my life. Carol and I were married and I had to work extra hours here at the museum while I studied towards my PhD."

Ross thought for a moment …

"I would love to help you out and be a guide."

"Thanks Ross, you have no idea …" Replied Donald.

"I do Ronald … you owe me! You OWE me.'

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Her job depended upon the stroke of 9:00.

Her whole day centered on her appearance … not just how she looked but required her attendance at the metal and wooden object that could be called a desk. She had to be there at 9 AM.

Rachel found it more difficult than Ross to recover from their separation. Rejection was not something she was used to dealing with. Normally, after a breakup Rachel would easily attract another man's attention … but times had changed. Instead of her discarding a guy the guy had broken up with her! To make things worse it was THE guy, the guy that she had just forgiven … the guy she was sure that she was supposed to be with. It was the guy that she was sure that she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with. She simply did not know how to deal with this new situation in her life.

The princess was dead …

Slowly, ever so slowly Rachel learned to cope with her loss. It took everything she had to cope, to live. She took each day as it came. She learned not to make plans but to live day-to-day. Each sunrise presented her with a new challenge: how to survive the day. She had her friends … but she lacked that best friend that always seemed to be the first to her side to console her.

It took everything she had not to hate him …

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As another long day came to a close he sat, resting his weary feet. Three days of constant walking. Three days of constant pointing and talking, describing the precious fossils housed in the museum.

… Three days of having to wear that blue jacket.

He was tired.

"Doctor Gellar?" Asked the tour organizer …

"Yes Janet, what is it?"

"I'm sorry, but we have one more group of students that need a tour this afternoon."

Looking up from his feet he stared at her. He was tired. The last thing he wanted to do was to lead another tour group. His feet were sore and he was hungry, having had to work through lunch.

Janet looked at Ross hoping that he would be able to take this group. She didn't know what to expect. Her eyes pleaded with him to put his shoes back on and lead the group.

"Sure." Replied Ross, as he put on his shoes and straightened his jacket.

"Thank you Doctor Gellar. This is the last group of the day, I promise."

As Ross greeted his guests he sized-up his audience. The group consisted of about twelve kids, about 13 years old and their teacher …

"Hello, my name is Doctor Ross Gellar. I will be your guide during your visit today. Welcome to the Museum of Natural History."

The teacher proceeded to Ross and extended her hand …

"Good afternoon, my name is Ms. Fleming, Bonnie Fleming. Doctor Gellar, do you normally provide tours of the museum? The last time I was here we had a regular tour guide."

Ross took her hand and squeezed it lightly. Time slowed for him. He took the opportunity to note her eyes, her lips, her entire face. His hand absorbed the warmth and softness of her hand as he held it. He missed this … the casual intimacy with a woman. He had been too successful at being alone. He had become too comfortable with his self-imposed exile.

Releasing her hand Ross replied …

"Ms. Fleming, the museum is a bit shorthanded this week … I've been asked to fill in."

"You don't mind?" She asked.

"Do I mind being a guide? Not at all. I used to do this job while I was working towards my PhD. It was the happiest time of my life. I had just gotten married and received my Master's degree. I had bills to pay … the job was perfect."

"So, so you're married?" Asked Bonnie.

"Divorced."

"Sorry." She replied.

"It's all right Ms. Fleming. You didn't know. In fact I didn't know …"

"What didn't you know?" She asked, curiously.

"That my wife liked women."

"She was a lesbian!"

"It took her four years of marriage to discover it."

"I'm so sorry Dr. Gellar."

"As I said before, you didn't know Ms. Fleming."

"Please call me Bonnie." She replied. Bonnie too was alone, having broken up with her previous boyfriend a few months before. She had a lot in common with another woman, Rachel. She too had been cheated on. She too had decided to bail on their relationship. She too was lonely …

"I'll call you Bonnie if you call me Ross." He replied.

"OK, Ross." She replied as she blushed.

Recovering from their discussion Ross asked the group "Is everyone ready?" Receiving a "yes" from Bonnie and her students Ross lead them on their way.

As the tour progressed the group of student displayed varying degrees of interest in the information they were receiving. Some of them seemed genuinely interested in seeing and hearing what the museum had to offer while others found themselves bored and wishing for the tour to end … as quickly as possible.

On the other hand there was their teacher. Bonnie found herself enthralled by how articulate and knowledgeable Ross was. She found herself looking him over every time she got the chance. She judged him against a set of personal standards that every woman uses to decide if a man is worth pursuing. In her mind Ross had every quality she had wanted in a man. She found him to be intelligent, articulate and handsome. She found him the almost perfect combination of the most important qualities she was looking for.

She found herself becoming more and more excited with each passing moment. She had been so lonely for so long. Each man she met and had dated since her breakup had been a disappointment. There was always something wrong with them, either they were too selfish or too shallow … or not handsome enough.

She hoped that he was available. She hoped that he wasn't seeing anyone.

At the end of the tour Ross recited his speech, a speech he had repeated hundreds of times. One that he knew by heart …

"Thank you for being our guest at the Museum today. Please come back again soon. If you would like to purchase a souvenir to remember your visit please visit our gift shop where you can purchase many fine items to remember this day by."

Ross sighed, he hated the commercialization of his beloved museum but the extra cash the gift shop generated helped paid the bills.

As he moved to leave he glanced over towards Bonnie, catching her staring at himself. Being the gentleman that he was he instead walked over to her and raised his hand …

"I want to thank you for bringing your class in today, Ms. Fleming …"

"Bonnie."

"I'm sorry, Bonnie."

Raising her hand in kind she gently took his hand in hers. The warmth they shared helped to fill the cold holes within themselves.

"It is I who should be thanking you Ross. You took yourself away from whatever important things a PhD does and spent it with my class and I."

With a slight smile on her face she uttered the words that she hoped would bag a man …

"You were so selfless to take our tour. I really appreciate it. You are so handsome and polite, I'm sure that you make your girlfriend or wife very happy …"

They were two lonely people in a city filled with lonely people. The odds of their meeting were next to nothing, yet it had happened. As her class proceeded to check out the gift shop Ross and Bonnie stood there, in their own little world. Everything went quiet for the pair, they could hear nothing. All they experienced was the look in their eyes and the warmth of their hands. They stood there hand-in-hand for a while …

A connection had been made …


	9. The Opportunity of His Lifetime

After months of pleading and convincing from her friends Rachel had finally accepted the fact that she needed to move on from Ross. She was angry with him … but she had never stopped loving him. She had wanted to believe that eventually he would return. He would come back to them, to her, and they could be friends once again. In time they could perhaps have more. Such was her hope. Her friends wanted her to be happy and they equated her happiness to being with a man. To Rachel their assumption was correct, she would be happy … with him. Her friends could see that this might never happen … so they cajoled her into trying to get her out more … to start dating again.

Phoebe and Monica are in the kitchen …

"Monica, where's Rachel tonight?"

"She's out on a date with this guy she met at Bloomingdales. She's been talking about him for a few weeks. Apparently he kept coming in to see her for advice about buying some suits … and finally asked her to the opening of a club that he invested in. She seemed really excited to go."

The door opens. A drenched Rachel enters …

"So Rachel, how was your date?" asked Monica.

Soaked through and looking exhausted Rachel looked at her friend with mascara running down her face …

"How does it look like it went?"

"Not good." Replied Phoebe. "What happened?"

"I was supposed to meet this guy I met, Joshua, at his club tonight but my boss, Mr. Waltham asked me to take his niece out on the town. I couldn't say no to him so I bailed on Joshua and took this English girl named Emily to the stupid old opera. God, the first date I've had in months and it's with a woman!"

"Nice!" replied an excited Joey who was standing at the apartment door, unnoticed.

"Joey, I am not interested in other women! I am not a lesbian!" Replied Rachel.

"I know that. It's just fun to imagine it though."

Frustrated and soaking wet Rachel gave Joey a look that could kill, causing him to retreat and exit the apartment. Turning towards her girlfriends Rachel first looked them in the eyes before lowering her gaze to the floor. Monica was worried for her best friend …

"Honey, are you alright?"

"I guess so. I'm just tired … and wet. I guess this idea to start dating again was a mistake …"

Monica interjected … "It was not a mistake! You shouldn't give up on meeting someone new. Why don't you see about trying to going out with that Joshua guy again? You really seemed to like him."

"I don't know Monica. I'll have to think about it." Replied Rachel.

"Please Rachel, do it for me … and for yourself."

"Alright Monica, I'll talk to him the next time he comes into the store. I'm going to dry off now and go to bed. Goodnight."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had never regretted making these friends. Living alone, in his self-imposed exile had nearly driven him mad. They kept him sane. He had learned and was learning so much from them. As he rushed to his office he threw his briefcase onto his desk as he turned to view himself in the mirror. Straightening his tie he ran his hands through his hair until he was pleased enough with the results. Turning, he reached for some packages he needed to deliver and ran for the door. He had somewhere to be … in a hurry.

As Ross entered the imposing building he was greeted by the staff of the facility …

"Good morning Dr. Gellar, it's so nice to see you today. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yes it has. I'm sorry I haven't been by this week. Do you know where the Levy's are right now?" Replied Ross.

"Yes, they're in the dining hall. Their friends are having a celebration for them as we speak."

"Thanks." Replied Ross as he immediately headed off in the direction of the dining room.

As Ross entered the retirement home's spacious dining hall Ross spotted them, the reason for his haste. There before him sat a group of his closest, albeit newest friends. The center of attention that afternoon was a couple, a man and a woman who had been tied together through the sands of time. They had known each other for as long as they could remember. They had been married forever. They sat there, the center of attention of the group, celebrating another of their many anniversaries. As Ross approached the gathering he was spotted by the couple ...

"Rossy!" blared out an old man.

"Hello Ari. Happy anniversary." Replied Ross as he bent over to shake his hand.

As he sat in his wheelchair the old man spied the packages that Ross was carrying. It wasn't often that they had visitors, especially visitors bearing gifts …

"So Rossy, what do you have there?" Asked the old man.

"Ari, I brought you and Esther anniversary gifts. I came to the home to celebrate your anniversary with you and your friends."

As Ross put the gifts on a table and took off his coat he scanned the room and the people within it. The room was filled with elderly residents and an occasional attendant. Ross knew most of the residents in the room by name but was surprised, even shocked, that none of his friend's family were there to celebrate with them. He turned to the old man's wife to greet her …

"Happy anniversary Esther. I hope that you and Ari have many more together."

As the old woman tried to raise herself from her wheelchair she was stopped by Ross. She was frail and he did not want her to hurt herself in her attempt to greet him. Instead, Ross lowered himself to her as she wrapped her arms about his neck and kissed him on the cheek. The fine fuzzy hair growing on her cheeks tickled Ross's face, causing him to giggle. Pulling up a chair he sat between the couple, in admiration of the love that they had shared between them and the 60 years of marriage that they were celebrating that day.

Later, Ross sat there stuffed with cake while sipping from his coffee. Focusing on the happy couple he wondered, he questioned whether he would ever have what they had … total and absolute love for another person, a love that survived all adversity and survived the test of time …

… and then he thought about her. He wondered what she was doing at that moment in time.

"Ross, are you feeling alright?" Asked Esther.

"Sure … I'm fine. I was just thinking …"

"Was it about a woman?" she asked, already knowing the answer to her own question.

"Perhaps …" he replied.

"So how is this girl, the girl you spend so much time thinking about?" she asked.

Ross sat there wondering how to respond to her question. He wished he knew how she was doing …

"I don't know. I haven't seen her in a long time."

"Why Ross, what's wrong with the two of you?" she asked.

"We broke up Esther. Could you do me a favor? Could we talk about something else?" he begged.

"Sure. So Ross, are you seeing anyone else right now?"

"Yes, I am." He replied. "I met someone a few weeks ago at the museum. That's kind of why I haven't been by to visit recently. I've been busy. For some reason she likes having me around. I'm sorry; I'll try to get around more often."

"Ross, you're a young man. You should be spending your time with a girl … not with a bunch of old people in a retirement home."

Moved by her words Ross considered his response to her statement. He felt bad for them, and for all the elderly in the home that had been abandoned by their families …

"Esther, where is your family? Where are your children and grandchildren on this day? They should be here celebrating with you and your husband."

Looking slightly downward she too considered her words … "They're too busy to visit. They have hectic lives with their careers and having to raise their children. It's very stressful for them. I understand why they couldn't come."

Looking into her eyes of sadness he listened to her words while realizing that she was hurt, hurt by the fact that she and Ari had been effectively abandoned by their own flesh and blood. It hurt and simple words would be unable to hide her feelings.

Taking her hand she looked up into his eyes and tried to smile …

"Esther, tell me again how you and Ari met. Please tell me how you fell in love."

She smiled for the first time in a while. Someone had asked her a question. Someone had actually bothered to care enough to want to know about her.

She was eternally grateful …

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days later …

Things had gotten better for Ross as of late. Loneliness was no longer his constant companion. If he wasn't at work he was with her, the new center of his universe.

Before meeting Bonnie he spent most of his time alone, now he longed for just one evening to himself. Bonnie insisted on being with him as much as possible as she was very insecure. Any semblance of self assurance had been lost when her prior boyfriend had cheated on her. Each day they were together she trusted him a little more but it would be a long time before she would release her grasp on him.

For Ross it was a stifling experience and quite a surprise. He had gone from being a loner-bachelor to a serious boyfriend in just a few short weeks. He went from having all the time in the world to himself to being practically married.

He had a choice … and he had chosen. He decided that his current situation was far more desirable than the loneliness he had endured since his breakup with Rachel.

He came out of his reverie with a knock on his office door …

"Come in."

The door opened …

It was his girlfriend.

"Hey honey."

"Bonnie, what are you doing here? Don't you have a classroom full of kids to teach today?"

"I got a substitute to stand in for me. I was hoping that we could get some lunch and spend some time together." She replied.

As the last words left her mouth the telephone rang …

"Excuse me Bonnie, I have to answer this." He added as he picked up the phone.

"Dr. Gellar?"

"Yes?" Replied Ross.

"Dr. Alexander would like to talk to you. Could you please come to his office right now?" Replied the secretary.

"Of course. Tell Dr. Alexander that I will be right there."

"Thank you Dr. Gellar … I'll let Dr. Alexander know that you are on your way."

As Ross hung up the phone he wondered why his boss had wanted to see him. The almost endless list of possible reasons raced through his head. He hoped that he hadn't screwed up … again.

Ross had found himself a bit forgetful as of late, his mind preoccupied with his tumultuous personal life.

He snickered …

'At least I have a personal life.' He thought.

His attention returned to his girlfriend … "Bonnie, my boss needs to see me right away. I have no idea what he wants or how long this is going to take so please sit down and wait as long as you can. If you're not here when I get back I'll call you, OK?

Disappointed and let down she replied "Alright. I'll wait for you but please come back as soon as you can."

"I'll do my best." He replied as he headed out the door.

Arriving at the office of his department head he greeted his boss's secretary who, in turn, notified Dr. Alexander that Ross had arrived. Ross entered his office with a feeling of apprehension …

"Yes Dr. Alexander, you wanted to see me?" asked Ross, nervously.

"Pointing towards a chair his boss replied "Yes Ross. Please sit down. I need to talk to you."

Ross sat down. There was a pause. Ross fidgeted in his chair.

"Ross, I called you to my office to discuss an opportunity to advance your career."

"Yes, sir." Replied Ross, expectantly.

"I want to thank you for helping me out when we were short of tour guides earlier this year. I have something to ask you. How would you like to go out on a dig?"

"A dig sir?" replied Ross, his anticipation rising.

"Yes, a dig. The museum has been asked to support an archeological dig, searching for evidence of Viking settlements in North America. The research team is trying to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Vikings discovered the New World well befor Columbus. Previous digs have uncovered artifacts that have been inconclusive in proving this. The team is looking for irrefutable evidence this time and they have requested our assistance in their search.

Inside, Ross was excited but bewildered …

"Sir, I would love to support the excavation but I am a paleontologist, not an archeologist."

"Ross, I know that you can do this. I am ready to recommend you because you have the passion and drive to be successful. You have a love of this field of study that will be a benefit to the team. Ross, the team leader told me that they were deperate for a fresh set of eyes. They need some new blood on-site to assist in the search."

"Well, I have taken a few archeology classes and done a lot of reading on the subject." Replied Ross.

Looking Ross squarely in the eyes Dr. Alexander stood and walked around his desk so that they stood eye-to-eye. He was about to ask the question that would change Ross's life forever.

"So what do you want me to tell the team leader? Will it be you or someone else?"

It didn't take Ross long to reply …

"Sir, I would love the opportunity to support the dig. Please recommend me."

Ross didn't know it but his life would never be the same again.


	10. Tribeca

Monica smiled as she stirred the icing in the stainless steel bowl. Over and over she blended the contents with great skill and patience. It was her best friend's birthday and the cake frosting had to be just perfect. Stopping for a moment she opened the oven to check the individual cake layers as they baked. She closed the oven and proceeded to return to stirring the frosting. As she stirred she thought about how happy she was. Smiling ever-so-much she was brought out of her daydream by a hand on her back … and a pair of lips on her neck …

"Chandler! Stop that! If you don't stop that we'll end up in there, doing it." She said, pointing towards her bedroom. "I have to finish this cake before Rachel's birthday party tonight."

"Alright Mon, I'll let you get back to what you were doing. I'll just go watch some TV." responded Chandler, somewhat disappointedly as he exited the kitchen and sat down to watch some TV.

Returning to her stirring Monica again opened the oven. Finding the cake ready she turned it off and put on a pair of oven mitts. As she retrieved the first layer from the oven she noticed an intruder with his hand in her frosting. Angrily, she shoved the hot cake pan onto the interloper's exposed arm …

"OWWWWW! Monica, that burns!"

"You should have thought about that before you stuck your dirty finger into my cream frosting Joey!"

"Mon, my hands are clean … I washed them yesterday!" exclaimed a pained Joey.

Knowing quite well that her frosting may have been ruined Monica gave Joey an angry scowl, scaring him into submission. Sticking her finger into his face Monica released her fury …

"Joey, get out of my kitchen, NOW! You can stay in the apartment if you avoid getting within 20 feet of me!" Noting Chandler watching the television she again looked at Joey … "Go into the living room and watch the TV with Chandler!"

Fearing for his life Joey made a quick exit from the kitchen. Landing hard on the couch he looked over at his best friend like a hurt puppy.

"Joe, did you piss Monica off again?"

"Uh huh." replied Joey.

How did the frosting taste?" asked Chandler.

"It was great! It's the best Mon's ever made."

At that moment the phone rang. Unable to extricate herself from her cake-baking predicament Monica glared over at Joey and Chandler who seemed oblivious to the ringing appliance. With her frustration building she waited until the phone had rung three times. Sure that neither of the guys would pick up the phone she had had enough …

"Will one of you idiots PLEASE answer the phone? I'm busy making the cake!"

Noting that Joey was busy tending to his burned arm Chandler responded "Sure Mon, I'll get it."

Reaching for the phone Chandler heard Monica reply "Thank you, Chandler." as she returned to the kitchen to complete Rachel's birthday cake.

Chandler answered the telephone. After a few moments he went silent. Noting a look of shock on Chandler's face Joey became curious …

"Dude, who is it?" he asked.

Lowering the phone slightly from his face Chandler replied "It's Ross."

Excitedly, Joey leapt off the couch and reached for the phone …

"Chandler, give me the phone. I want to say hi. It's been like 6 months since I talked to him!"

Considering Joey's request, he responded "Joey, Ross asked for Monica. Don't you think she should get to talk to her brother first?"

Overhearing the conversation, Monica retorted "Let Joey talk, I don't want to speak to him. I'm still pissed off at Ross for abandoning us."

Handing the phone to Joey, Chandler made his way into the kitchen. "You know you want to talk to your brother. You miss him."

"I know I miss him Chandler I just can't believe he walked away like that and left us alone." She replied.

"Monica, you know why he had to go. He didn't want to leave … he had to. He felt so guilty about what he did to her. He loved Rachel so much … he just couldn't be friends with her anymore after being so close … for so long. He couldn't imagine asking us to take sides between them."

With her head bowed and eyes watering Monica replied the only way she could … "I know but I miss him so much. He's my big brother. He's supposed to look out for me."

Taking her by the shoulders Chandler gently brought her into a gentle bear hug. He wanted to make all of her problems go away …

"Monica, let me look out for you." He asked as he gently kissed her on the forehead. For a sweet moment the pair stood there … still, enjoying the intimacy.

The couple was brought out of their daze by Joey …

"Monica, Ross asked if he could talk to you. Do you want to?" he asked.

Monica looked over to Joey and then up to Chandler. He smiled at her and received a small grin in return. As she stared into his eyes she responded to Joey's request … "Yes, I'll talk to him."

Releasing Monica from his grasp Chandler took the phone from Joey and handed it to her. Turning towards his friend he asked "How about a game of foosball, Joe?"

Monica was left alone. She gazed down at the phone in her hand with anticipation. Raising it to her ear she opened her mouth and spoke, in a barely audible whisper … "Ross?"

Later that evening …

"Do you want some more cake Rach?"

"Monica. I'm full. I can't eat another bite!"

"How about you, Joshua, would you like some more?" asked Monica.

"No, no thanks. I'm full, thanks Monica. Can I ask where you bought that cake? It had the creamiest frosting I've ever tasted?"

Ever the perfect hostess, Monica gushed with pride. She smiled widely … "Thanks Joshua. I actually made it myself. I'm glad you liked it."

Monica turned her head and looked at the clock. The hands of the clock indicated that the time was nigh, she had to talk to Rachel.

"Hey Rach, can I talk to you for a sec … in my bedroom. I bought a new blouse and I need your opinion on it."

"Sure, I'd love to see it. Let's go." Replied Rachel as she lifted herself off the couch and walked into Monica's bedroom.

Once in her bedroom Monica closed the door behind her and slowly turned to face her friend with a glint of guilt in her eye. Facing Monica, Rachel realized that she had been invited there under false pretences; there was no new blouse to see. Crossing her arms over her chest she decided to sit on the bed and await the reason for the deception. Monica, noting Rachel's change in attitude decided that she needed to give her the truth … as much as it might hurt her.

"Rachel, I didn't ask you here to see my blouse. I needed to get you alone to tell you something in private."

"What, what do you have to tell me?" asked Rachel.

Lowering her eyes and then raising them slowly she faced her friend. "Ross called. He told me he could and would never forget your birthday. He asked me to wish you a happy birthday."

"Oh." Replied Rachel as she lowered her hands to the bed. Noting her sadness, Monica enveloped her with her arms.

"I'm sorry. He asked me to tell you … but he also realized that you might not want to hear from him. He left it up to me to tell you. Did I make a mistake?" Monica asked Rachel.

Releasing her from her arms Rachel distanced herself from Monica and replied "No. Thanks for telling me. It just hurts a little. At least he still thinks of me from time-to-time."

Monica noted Rachel's mood and frame of mind. She had something else for her … she just didn't know how she would take it.

"Rachel, Ross asked me one other favor when he called."

"What … what did he ask you for? Is it something for me?"

"He asked me to show all of us something. He said it was for the whole gang … but especially for you." replied Monica.

"What is it?" asked Rachel, curiously.

"To be honest with you I don't know." Taking Rachel's hand she lead her off the bed and into the living room where the rest of the gang, including Joshua, were watching a game on TV. Looking down at her watch she noticed that it was time …

"Everyone, I have an announcement. Could everyone please sit down and give me the remote control?"

This request brought immediate protests from all the guys. They were watching the game and they did not want to be disturbed.

"Monica! We were watching the game!" implored Joey who looked over to Chandler for support. Looking back-and-forth between Joey and Monica he threw up his arms, got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen to grab a beer saying "Please leave me out of this."

"Please calm down Joey!" exclaimed Monica, trying to get him to listen. Scanning the room with her eyes, she continued … "Everyone, my brother called today. He wanted to wish Rachel a happy birthday." At this Rachel lowered her eyes. This was not unnoticed by Joshua.

Monica continued …

"Ross asked me to put Entertainment Tonight on if I got the chance."

Rachel interjected …

"Why would he want us to watch ET?"

"I don't know why, he just asked me to watch. What do you say guys? Can you give up your game for a few minutes to watch?" asked Monica.

Begrudgingly, Joey and Chandler agreed to give up watching the game. Perhaps it was out of curiosity or perhaps it was because the Knicks were losing so badly. Turning the channel Monica sat next to her best friend.

After the customary commercial breaks the host of ET introduced her first guest …

"Good evening and welcome to Entertainment Tonight. I'm Jann Carl sitting in for Mary Hart. Our first guest tonight is Dr. Ross Gellar, host of the new Discovery Channel show "Paleoworld"." Dr. Gellar, welcome to ET."

"Thanks very much Jann, it's nice to be here."

"Dr. Gellar, please tell us about your new Discovery Channel show. You'll be hosting it, correct?"

"Yes Jann, I will be traveling the globe reporting on the latest developments in Man's search for knowledge about life and how it evolved to that which lives today."

The group sat staring at the television. Except for Joshua, each gasped at what they were watching. Ross on TV? Ross a celebrity? Ross with his own show? Ross is going to be famous? Each of these questions came as a shocker to the five, but especially Rachel. Joey, Chandler and Phoebe sat mesmerized by what they saw. Memories of boring dinosaur talks at Central Perk came to mind. Seeing Ross on television made them, at least for the moment, wish for just one more sleep-inducing lecture on the Cenozoic Era from their long-lost friend. Monica and Rachel moved to the edge of their seats, their eyes glued to the set, their mouths slightly open in disbelief. "How could this be?" whispered Rachel so that only Monica could hear.

Rachel got her answer sooner than she expected …

"So, Dr. Gellar, how were you chosen as the host of Paleoworld?" asked Jann.

"Jann, I used to work at the Museum of Natural History in New York City. I was offered a field assignment a few months ago at an archaeological dig in Minnesota."

"So Ross, what was the purpose of that dig?"

"They were searching for evidence of a pre-Columbian Viking settlement."

The group of friends watched and listened as Ross explained how he had basically walked on to the dig site and suggested that the team try digging in a previously unexplored spot that he recommended. Within a day a gravesite had been found, thanks to Ross's suggestion.

"Dr. Gellar, would you consider this a find of major significance?" asked Jann.

"Yes, the grave contained artifacts that will undoubtedly change history as we know it. It will prove, without a doubt, that Scandinavians discovered America almost 500 years before the Italian, Christopher Columbus did. History books will have to be rewritten."

"That's fascinating Ross. Let's talk more about your new show on the Discovery Channel. Can you tell us more about it?" asked Jann.

The group of friends watched and listened as Ross explained how he had been offered the position as host of the show and signed a lucrative contract to do so. The contract would require Ross to be even farther away from his friends … and from her, as he traveled the world. Ross was finally getting the recognition he deserved. The one even she and the other four always failed to give him.

"Ross, if you don't mind. May I ask you a few questions of a personal nature?" asked Jann.

"Of course Jann, what would you like to know?" replied Ross.

"Well Ross, are you married?"

"No, sorry; I'm divorced."

"Any children?"

"I have a son, Ben who will be four in a few months." replied Ross.

"So Ross, you're not married. Do you currently have anyone special in your life?" asked Jann.

Ross considered the question and those that might be watching the interview …

"Yes Jann I have some very special people in my life but there is one in particular that is very, very special to me."

Hearing this, Rachel beamed a smile as Monica looked over, grabbed her hand and firmly squeezed it. They were like two teenaged girls just now finding out that a boy had a crush on one of them. Hope welled over in Rachel's heart. It had been a long time since she had been this happy … and she didn't want it to end. She hinged her attention on every word of Ross's interview until it was over. Afterwards, Rachel and Monica hugged each other. They were brought out of their reverie by a comment from a friend …

"Nice!' exclaimed Joey as he watched his two friends hugging.

"Joey, stop it! We are not lesbians!" retorted Monica.

Rachel turned towards Joey to scold him only to catch Joshua watching her intently, trying to digest what had just happened before his eyes.

Meanwhile, just a dozen blocks south of Monica's apartment, in Tribeca, another woman was watching her television intently. The lights were low. She held a glass of wine in her hand. She wore a broad smile on her face as she lay on her couch in her robe.

She was so proud.

Her boyfriend was a success.

Her boyfriend was happy.

He had told the world just how much she meant to him.


	11. A future without him

"Aren't you ready yet?"

"Not yet … please give me a just a few more minutes …"

"A few more minutes! I've been waiting for almost an hour! We have to leave now if we are going to make it on time!"

"Alright, alright … let me go grab my purse. I swear Monica you worry too much."

"Rachel, we promised Phoebe that we would meet her for brunch at 10:30. It's only polite to be on time!" screamed Monica at her friend as she disappeared into her bedroom.

Returning with her purse Rachel walked to the apartment door and opened it.

"I'm ready … let's go."

"Finally!" Replied Monica as she rolled her eyes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

That Sunday happened to be a glorious day. The weather could only be described as a gift from God. The sun shone brightly as a light wind rustled through the trees and large umbrellas used to shade the restaurant's patrons from the heat of the late morning sun.

There she sat, alone. She hadn't expected her friends to be there on time … Rachel was one of them after all. She herself had made it a point not to arrive for brunch too early, knowing that she would ultimately have to wait. She smiled to herself and chuckled, thinking about how different her friends were. She thought how stressed-out Monica probably was at that moment, trying not to arrive there late.

"Poor Monica …" she thought.

As if on cue her friends appeared on the scene … out of breath, with Monica giving Rachel a glare of disapproval …

"Sorry we're late Phoebe … but we had a hard time catching a cab." She lied.

"Did Rachel make you late?" asked Phoebe, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, she did. I didn't know what to do to get her out of the apartment on time!"

Phoebe knew exactly what it took to make sure Rachel was timely to things … she just didn't know if she should offer it up. Ultimately, she decided to speak her mind …

"Monica, you could always do what your brother used to do …"

This caused both friends to lift their heads and stare at Phoebe, waiting attentively for her to continue …

"… you could always lie to her."

This caused both Monica and Rachel's jaws to drop.

"Instead of telling her that we were meeting for brunch at 10:30 … you could have told her 10:00, or in Rachel's case 9:30 would probably have been better. You know how long it takes her to get ready. Ross used to do it all the time. It was the only way he could make sure that he could get you wherever you needed to be on time."

Rachel sat there stunned. She hadn't expected for her ex-boyfriend to come up in conversation … and she was surprised to hear that he had been lying to her, albeit it for all the right reasons.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Rachel was brought out of her thought by Phoebe, "Rachel, I'm … I'm sorry. I hope I didn't upset you. I just thought that Monica would have figured you out by now. It was just a friendly joke."

Rachel had been looking downward at the table. She was supposed to be having fun with her best friends … and the situation was just about as far from "fun" as they could get. She raised her eyes to Phoebe and tried to forget what had just been said …

"Phoebe, it's alright. You're right, I can be thoughtless and inconsiderate sometimes … being constantly late and all. I'll work on not being late in the future."

Rachel picked up her menu and smiled, trying to forget the memories …

"So what are we having for brunch?"

Before Monica could answer, Phoebe broke in with a little news …

"I hope the two of you don't mind but I invited a friend of mine to eat with us this morning."

"Oh, who?" asked Rachel.

"You've met her before. Remember my friend Bonnie? You both met her at my birthday party two years ago."

"No, which one of your friends is Bonnie?"

"Remember, she's like average height, medium build."

Rachel looks at Monica who herself looks back at Rachel. Neither remembers her friend …

"Sorry Phoebe, I don't remember Bonnie." Replied Rachel.

At that very moment an attractive brunette approaches their table, having noticed Phoebe …

"Hey Phoebe!" (The girls hug)

"Hey Bonnie. Bonnie, I'd like you to meet my friends Monica and Rachel. This is Monica …"

"Hello."

" … and this is Rachel."

"Hi."

Bonnie sat at the table with the others and picked up a menu. Shortly thereafter a waiter arrived and took their orders. After the waiter left Bonnie decided to break the ice a bit …

"So Monica and Rachel, how do you know Phoebe?"

Well, Phoebe and I used to be roommates. A few years ago Phoebe decided to move in with her grandmother so my old high school friend Rachel moved in when she moved to the city." Replied Monica.

Phoebe looked over at her friend. She had known Bonnie for years and could not remember ever seeing her so happy. She was curious as to why …

"So Bonnie, what's up?"

"What do you mean Phoebe?"

"Bonnie, look at you … you're glowing, you look so happy. I've never seen you this happy before. What's going on?"

"Well, I met someone, a great guy." Replied Bonnie.

Hearing this, Phoebe, Monica and Rachel's attention was focused totally on Bonnie. Their love lives were nothing to talk about but it was always great to hear when someone else had actually met a nice guy. There were so few of them left to go around …

"So tell us about him … what's he like?" asked Monica, just as their waiter delivered their food.

"Well, he's tall and handsome and very, very smart. He travels all over the world so I don't get to see him as much as I'd like."

"Oh, where is he now?" asked Rachel.

"He's filming in Guatemala." Replied Bonnie.

"Where did the two of you meet?" asked Phoebe.

"Well, I had taken my class on a field trip to the Museum of Prehistoric History. He was our guide."

"Oh, so he works as a guide?" asked Phoebe.

"No, not usually but the day of our visit the museum was short of staff so some of the curators filled in. He actually has a PhD."

Phoebe interjected, not thinking before opening her mouth …

"That's funny, Monica's brother has a PhD in paleontology and Rachel used to date him."

Monica and Rachel looked over at Phoebe, surprised, as they ate their food. Everyone's attention was brought back to Bonnie as she spoke …

"Maybe your brother knows my boyfriend, Ross."

Upon hearing this the three displayed varying degrees of shock. Monica's eyes bulged and she stopped chewing her food. After the initial shock wore off her main concern was how Rachel was handling the news. She turned towards her …

Rachel was so caught off-guard by Bonnie's revelation that she inhaled her food, causing her to choke.

Seeing her friend in distress, Phoebe handed Rachel some water and started to pat her on the back, trying to help her clear the food from her lungs.

Staring at the scene before her Bonnie seemed to be the most surprised of all. She was the only one at the table who was ignorant of what was happening … and the implications of her relationship with her boyfriend.

"What's wrong … what did I say?" asked Bonnie.

Phoebe was the first to respond …

"Bonnie, Ross is Monica's brother."

Bonnie found herself in shock. By some strange twist-of-fate she found herself eating brunch with her boyfriend's sister and most interestingly, his ex-girlfriend. The warm, friendly atmosphere that she had just been enjoying had evaporated, replaced by an uncomfortable silence, except for Rachel's choking.

"I, I don't know what to say. So Ross has a sister, huh?"

"Yes Bonnie, Ross Geller is my brother." Replied Monica. "I'm surprised that he failed to mention this fact to you before."

"Monica, please don't take it personally, Ross is a bit of a mystery to me. He's a very private person. He hardly ever talks about his family or his past life before we met. It's like … it's like he's just gone through a rough spot in his life … he just shuts up like a clam when I ask him about it."

At this, Monica turned her attention back to Rachel … as did Bonnie.

"Rachel, it was you … wasn't it?" asked Bonnie.

Rachel hid her emotions well. Having cleared the food from her lungs she stared at Bonnie, the latest girl in his life and her latest replacement. Rachel had not really taken the time to really get a good look at Bonnie. She found her a worth adversary for his affections …

… but then she snapped. She had forgiven him. She had told him that she wished to begin their relationship again. It was obvious to her that she was now the farthest thing from his mind. Rachel was tired, tired of getting her hopes up … and getting them dashed again-and-again. In that instant she resigned herself to a future without him.

"Yes, it was me.: she replied.

"What … what happened to break the two of you up?" asked Bonnie.

"It doesn't matter anymore." She replied. "He's with you now. I hope that you will be at least as happy … as we once were."

At this, Rachel rose from her seat and started to leave. She had lost her appetite and she no longer wished to sit at the same table … with her. As she walked away her anger grew … as the tears started to fall.

She wanted to hurt him, badly.

And she knew just how to do it …


	12. A Most Unnatural Quarrel

Hello all, this is the shortest chapter that (I think) I've ever written. It is what I like to call an "impact" chapter, a short and not-so-sweet chapter that sets the pace for chapters to come. Whether you agree/disagree or like/don't like this ... please do not give up on this story ... I promise you that you will not be disappointed.

Exintaris, I've been on the road a LOT but decided to rough-out the rest of this story. I told you that I estimated 4 to 5 more chapters. Well, it looks like I may actually have 10 or so more chapters thought out and ready to write. if I could only find the time. I already have two (2) of those chapters done ... so perhaps I can speed this up a bit.

Enjoy and please leave a review ...

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_**"It is a quarrel most unnatural, to be reveng'd on him that loveth thee." **_

_**– William Shakespeare (Richard III, Act I, scene II)**_

_**   
**_

It was late and the room was lit dimly, the only light provided by a candle flickering on a night table beside the bed.

Her act of revenge was complete. When he finally found out … he would be broken, totally.

As she laid on the bed she thought …

She was an adult … she could make her own decisions. If she wanted or needed a man in her life it was her choice to pursue … or not. She would no longer wait for him … or for any other man for that matter. She would take control of her life and run with it. So it had turned out.

She thought about how she had gotten to this moment in her life. She had made decisions … and now she would have to live with them … for the rest of time.

She thought back … to brighter, happier days, to a time of great love.

She giggled a bit … inside.

She had been in love with a no-body, the brother of her best friend. A guy that she had known forever … yet had ignored as being no one special. He was the geeky older brother who was so un-cool that it would have been social suicide to be seen with him.

But then …

The decision …

The decision to leave her fiancé and to start a new life. She ran … ran to her old best friend, a friend that she had ignored and lost contact with for so long. Her friend took her in and gave her a home … a future.

And there he was … hurting. His marriage in tatters he still found it in him to be her friend … and ultimately her best friend. He was there through it all, always comforting her, selflessly … or so she thought. Little did she know how he felt about her. He felt more for her than all the boys and men she had ever been with … combined. When she found out she became overwhelmed by her feelings … and the possibilities that he presented to her.

Her best friend … or perhaps more?

And then Julie …

Her jealousy …

Her possessiveness …

Her feelings that made her do things that she would not normally do.

She had spent many sleepless nights thinking and wondering what was going through his mind when he slept with her …

And now some of her questions had been answered. Regretfully too late …

Her thoughts turned to him … and what he was doing. Was he happy? 'Sure!' she thought, 'He's with Bonnie now. Phoebe told me about her sexual exploits! He's probably having the time of his life with that whore!'

Then her mind traveled to the time right before the end, when he had become so jealous. Rachel's eyes turned from staring at the candle to gazing directly up at the ceiling.

She thought about his insecurity … and the reason why he had slammed down the phone that fateful night … Mark. Four letters that when arranged properly spelled death to what they both once had, the happiest time of her life.

Rachel laid there, her naked body covered only by a thin sheet. She turned her face to the other side of the bed.

She contemplated what she had done and asked herself if it had all been worth it.

She thought it painfully ironic how it had all become true. The reason for his jealousy, his possessiveness had ultimately come to pass …

She stared over at her new lover …

Mark.


	13. There's The Girl

She needed him …

She wanted him …

She plead with him …

"Ross, please … please come to the opening, for me! It's my first real chance. I want you to be there …"

"… I want you … no I need you to be proud of me."

The line went silent as she heard him take a great gasp of air … and expel it from his lungs as he let out a great sigh.

"Monica, I am already very proud of you. You don't need to be a great chef or a doctor … or even President. I love you, you're my baby sister. You are the reason I was once very happy. You are the reason why the six of us ultimately met and became friends. You are obsessive and a neat freak and the most loving and giving person I've ever known."

"Ross, please …"

"Monica, don't you think that my being there will make certain people a little uncomfortable?"

"Ross, are you referring to Rachel? The whole gang really wants to see you again. It's been months since we saw you last."

"Mon, I just don't want Rachel to feel uncomfortable with me being there."

"Ross, if you must know I asked Rachel before I called you and she was quite indifferent about it."

"Indifferent?" he asked, curious …

"I think it has something to do with the fact that she's been dating this great guy and they're going to be coming to the party at the restaurant together."

The line went silent as Ross contemplates what he had just heard. It took a while for him to absorb the news that she had met someone new … she was probably happy to have him out of her life. To Ross it seemed like he had spent the better part of an hour thinking about her … but it had only been 30 seconds. He was brought out of his trance by his sister …

"Ross, are you OK?"

It took a moment for Ross to recover and when he did he tried to conceal his surprise at the news …

"Oh, sure, I'm alright. I was just thinking about something from work."

She had known him forever. She knew him better than his own mother did. She knew she had thrown him for a loop …

"Ross."

"Yeah?"

"Did you expect her to wait for you, forever?"

You say things in life that you think you mean in the moment … but this instant in time was a test of his resolve and of his decision to let her move on and be happy with someone else … someone he hoped, more worthy. Had he really meant what he said? Had he really wanted her to move on? At the time the answer was an unequivocal yes but now, in retrospect, he found himself wavering. He was sure of only one thing … he wanted her to be happy … but why couldn't it have been with him? Why, when she had forgiven him …

… could he not have forgiven himself?

"No, I didn't expect her to wait. It's just hard … you know. I want her to be happy … with whoever she ends up with."

The phone went quiet with a deafening silence, a silence broken only when Ross decided to speak …

"Have you met him yet?"

"No. Rachel doesn't bring him to the apartment. For some reason she always goes to his place … to spend the night." Monica knew it would hurt her brother but she felt that he needed to know how far along their relationship had progressed.

Another extended period of silence followed as the words sunk in. She was sleeping with him. It cut like a knife. He found his resolve weakening. He fought the urge to lash out … but he had no right to, he had been instrumental in creating this reality. He had no one to blame but himself. He let his curiosity get the better of him …

"Is she happy?"

Monica paused and considered how to respond to his question, finally responding with the only answer she could …

"She seems to be."

Another long, uncomfortable silence followed. She didn't have the nerve to utter a word. She waited and waited for her brother to recover from the news that must have devastated him. She waited until she could wait no longer. She had to break the silence that separated them …

"So, are you coming?"

Another short period of silence followed as Ross considered his options. His original concern was for her … but that had been forgotten when he found out that she was dating again … and that she might be bringing her new boyfriend to the party. His concern was now for himself. Would he be able to handle seeing her … with another man?

Ross's mind went into "Ross" mode, a sort of selfish, uncomfortable place where he found himself thinking only of himself. If she had moved on he would have to find a way to do so himself. It wouldn't be easy but the party would be an excellent start.

Seeing her with another man …

"Yes Monica, I'll be there"

* * *

It was just after dark when the first guests started to arrive at the restaurant. Monica, being overly obsessed with her appearance wore a breathtaking gown accentuated with sequins instead of traditional Chef's attire. Her dress sparkled as it reflected the available light. It made her the center of attention … just as she had planned. Most of her guests had arrived … except for the one she had been most waiting for … her brother. 

Life as of late had been good for Ross Geller, PhD. He had a successful cable show, a beautiful, adoring girlfriend and was driving his new, expensive sports car to the opening of his sister's restaurant. He wasn't as popular as a movie star but it was hard to go to the movies or out to dinner without being recognized by at least a few people. The attention helped his battered ego. Ross didn't know it but he would need every bit self-worth to survive the night. It would not be long before he would see her again …

As he pulled up to have his car parked by a valet he took a deep breath, trying to acquire the courage he would need to endure what was to come. As he stopped the car he surrendered his car keys to the attendant and walked to the passenger side of the car to assist Bonnie in getting out of her seat. As he took her hand he began to escort her into the party … and then he saw them … the people that had (and still did) mean the world to him …

As he hugged each of his friends he made a fuss. He kissed Monica and Phoebe and shook both Chandler and Joey's hands as he introduced his girlfriend to the guys. As time passed he found a peace …

… a peace that had long escaped him. It felt so natural to be talking to these people. He missed them so.

But something was wrong. Each of his friends was acting uncomfortably, as if they knew something … and that something was about him. The uncomfortable feeling went unnoticed by Bonnie as she was a stranger to the group, but Ross knew the feeling … it was there.

Ross turned his attention to his sister … and smiled. She was beyond gorgeous. Monica noted her brother's smile and beamed. Not only was he proud of her … he wondered why such a "hot" woman would be without an escort … or even worse … a boyfriend.

Pulling Monica aside he tried to find out what was wrong …

"Monica, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean, Ross? There's nothing wrong."

"Bull Mon, if nothing's wrong then why is the gang acting so weird?"

Monica fidgeted a bit before replying …

"Weird? What do you mean weird? We're just being ourselves."

"Mon, you can try to fool me but I know that something's wrong. The four of you are so uncomfortable around me. Either I've done something wrong or there's something you're not telling me. You asked me to come to your party … it would be nice if you told me the truth!"

"Alright Ross, fine … I'll tell you." Monica turned her head towards the entrance to the restaurant … then she warned him …

"Ross, Rachel is in there. She's with her new boyfriend."

Ross was surprised at his sister. He had prepared for this eventuality and was OK with it … or so he thought. He wondered why his friends were so uneasy …

"Monica, what's with all the drama? You told me she was dating again and I've had to accept it. You told me that she was happy … and I've had to accept that too. Now I show up and you're all acting weird. Is there something about this guy that I should know?"

Ross scanned the group as Bonnie looked on. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey stood before him, quietly, unable to respond. They knew what was about to happen and they could do nothing about it, for if they did they would be favoring one friend over another. Ross had to find out … for himself.

Unable to get a straight answer out of his friends he grabbed his girlfriend's hand. As the pair entered the restaurant they were greeted by the Maitre de …

"Ross Geller." Is all that Ross had to utter …

"Oh, Dr. Geller, we are so pleased to have you join us tonight at our opening. It's always great to have a celebrity join us for dinner."

Bonnie beamed as Ross responded to his greeting …

"Thank you, but you should thank my sister. She's the best chef you could ask for."

At that, Ross and bonnie entered the restaurant and mingled with the rest of the guests. The eatery was chic and dimly lit. Loud, eclectic music played throughout the establishment. At times the bass seemed to cause his heart to leap from his chest. Ross had been recognized by many in attendance and had signed a few autographs … before he saw her …

She stood by herself off in a corner of the restaurant by the bar. She seemed to be alone. Ross fought off his instincts to run to her side. He scanned the restaurant trying to identify her new boyfriend, until …

A dark figure holding two drinks approached her …

**You're a polished diamond  
Now you're feeling kinda rough  
Yes I know how long you been searching  
for the perfect touch  
You better hear what I say,  
I can tell your eyes are just about to  
give you away**

**  
**

The figure approached her and gave her a drink. Ross assumed that this must be him. He strained to get a view of her boyfriend, all the time the music played deafeningly into his ears, mocking him …

**Cause there's the girl  
that you were after  
Feel your heart beating faster now  
There's the girl that you were after  
Can you say that you don't want her anymore?**

The figure kept his back to him. Ross considered that fact that Rachel's new beau might not know that he even existed. That possibility hurt … badly. He strained over Bonnie and the crowd to get a better look … to no avail. Bonnie noted her boyfriend's keen interest over her shoulder but did not turn to look. She was curious … but not enough to let Ross know that she was. She would wait for a better opportunity.

Unknown to Ross, Rachel had been watching him from the corner of her eye. She had watched him trying to get a look at her new boyfriend. She waited … waited for the moment that would have the maximum effect on her old flame. She wanted him to feel her pain, she wanted him to know that he was no longer the focus of her life. She watched him closely. She watched him as he held his arm around that whore wearing the beautiful dress with a huge smile on her face. Her replacement looked stunning. Rachel seethed with jealousy and anger as he placed his hand on her hip. Rachel had to wait … she bided her time as she watched them, just as Ross looked into her eyes …

**Just take my word now  
Cause you know it's true  
she ain't good enough …  
for the likes of you  
You better hear what I say …  
I can tell your eyes are just about  
to give you away**

**  
**

Ross found himself in a difficult predicament. He found his arm around his girlfriend's waist and halfway down her thigh, yet his eyes, heart and mind were over there, with her. Yet he wasn't. Just at that moment he was finally able to make out who she was with …

He was petrified …

His worst fear, his worst nightmare had come true.

It was him …

**Cause there's the girl  
that you were after  
Feel your heart beating faster now  
There's the girl that you were after  
**_**And all the time you can't get past her**_**  
There's the girl that you were after  
Broken glass, complete disaster  
There's the girl that you were after  
Can you say that you don't want her anymore?**

Ross's eyes turned from Mark to Rachel. He looked deeply into her eyes, pleading for an explanation … an answer as to why. Why? Why had she chosen him of all people?

His eyes plead with hers … and yet he received no comfort in return. She returned his stare as the music continued to play …

**I believed you once …  
When you explained …  
That it wasn't so tough …  
To forget her name**

Ross lowered his eyes. The pain was much more than he had expected. It would have been tough for him to see her with another guy … but so much so with Mark. All of his fear and insecurity … all of the self doubts that he had buried deep inside were released. He shook … and shed a tear.

Satisfaction had been her goal, yet it eluded her. She could see him suffering. She could see his demons being released. She waited for that feeling of satisfaction that came after every successful act of revenge.

She waited … but it never came.

Bonnie had noted Ross's change in mood. Grabbing his arm she asked if he was alright. Composing himself, Ross let Bonnie know that he was fine.

Ross raised his head to face her again … only to be hit with another shock… one that sent him over the edge.

There she stood, mingling with her guests, but she wasn't alone. A hand … a man's hand was positioned on her back … at a place it shouldn't be. The hand started to move up and down as it gently caressed her.

'No, it can't be!' He thought. He had wondered why she had been alone … and now he knew that she wasn't. It made perfect sense. She was a beautiful woman. She deserved to find happiness … but why? Why did she have to find it …

… with his best friend?

Noting that his attention was no longer focused on her Rachel turned towards her right and immediately understood why … he had found out. Not only was she dating Mark but he had finally found out that his sister was dating his best friend. For a moment she felt genuinely sorry for Ross. 'His whole world must be turned upside-down.' She thought.

Turning back towards Ross she noticed that he too had turned to look at her. His eyes plead with her to tell him that things were not so, to tell her that it was some sort of practical joke that was most probably deserved.

Rachel didn't know why … perhaps it was out of some lingering feelings for him but she found herself unable to lie. Quickly looking back at his sister and then back at him she smiled a bit … and then nodded her head, in the affirmative, confirming what he had most feared.

"I have to go to the bathroom." said Ross to Bonnie as he headed out of the room in a hectic rush, leaving her surprised … and alone. As she watched her boyfriend make a hasty escape she looked over … and stared eye-to-eye with Rachel.

Rachel was caught completely off-guard by Bonnie's stare. In a panic she quickly turned her head and looked towards Mark.

* * *

Later that evening … 

There are times in your life when you're so afraid of being alone that you fail to make the right decision or …

… you make the wrong one.

When confronted with the scene at the restaurant Ross tried to defend himself under Bonnie's barrage of questions and tears. Ultimately though, he did what he had to … so as not to lose her.

Or so he thought …

He felt cheap and dirty.

Ross sat in the dark sitting in a chair with a glass of Scotch in his hand. He was drinking more than he should have been. He stared through the darkness toward his half-open bedroom door.

It was quiet, deathly quiet. The only indication that anyone was there came from the glass in his hand. Every time he would raise the glass to his lips the clanking of the ice within would give his presence away.

He stared at the door, trying to wash away his guilt.

He was not alone …

She laid on the bed staring out of his door toward the sound of ice clanking in a glass. She should have been happy … he had finally given himself to her.

Tears …

Tears found their way down her face as she stared towards the sounds of him trying to wash his guilt away.

She too felt dirty. She felt used.

It hurt.

It hurt knowing that she would never be enough. She would never be able to fill the hole in his heart.

It hurt when at the height of passion … he said his ex-girlfriend's name … instead of hers.

She would never be able to possess what he had already given away … to another woman.


	14. Lives Changed Forever

Sometimes, when life gets you down … you have to go back to your roots to seek relief. She cherished her friends, they meant the world to her … but that weekend … well, she just felt like being with her daddy. She was his princess and he hadn't seen her in a long, long time.

It was Sunday and she had slept in late. She hadn't been sleeping well lately … she didn't feel well. She attributed it to some bad food she had eaten at the restaurant. There is a knock on the door …

"Sweet pea, are you awake?"

"Yes daddy, I'm up. Come on in."

As he entered her bedroom and saw her sitting on the bed the old memories were awakened. He remembered her first walk, her first day of school, her graduation from high school and buying her first car. It all came back … he hoped beyond hope that she would come back home. Since he divorced her mother he had been lonely and work was a poor substitute for a family.

Dr. Green was an imposing man to all but his daughters. He couldn't say no to them. He noticed that his daughter looked fatigued and a bit under the weather …

"Rachel, how do you feel? You look pale."

"Daddy, I feel tired and a little sick. I think I ate some bad food at Monica's restaurant opening the other night."

Her father looked her over and tried to conduct a basic diagnosis of her condition. He determined that she could have any one of a dozen maladies. Concerned for his daughter, Dr. Green decided that a trip to the doctor was in order …

"But Daddy, it's Sunday. My doctor's office is closed." She replied when he asked her to go.

"Sweetie, I know a doctor who would open his office anytime … just for you."

Finally understanding, Rachel consented to a drive over to his office …

"Alright Daddy, I'll do it for you."

"Thanks Sweetie, I want you to be healthy, I love you."

Having arrived at Dr. Green's practice only a half-hour later, Rachel was examined and a blood test was done. After the exam Rachel waited in her father's office, watching a small television that he kept around to watch the news. After waiting for her father for 30 minutes Rachel became concerned. Searching through the building she found him on the phone, having a heated discussion with someone on the other end of the line. As she approached him she overheard parts of the conversation …

"Yes, it's confirmed. I just ran a simple test … I don't know how this could have happened!"

There was a short pause before Dr. Green continued on …

"You know Sandra, this is your fault for letting her move into the city! This would have never happened if she was still living here at home!"

As Dr. Green became more agitated at his ex-wife he turned … and saw her standing there, with her mouth open. She was in shock. She was afraid; she assumed she had contracted some sort of fatal disease. Noting her emotional state he abruptly dropped the phone and grabbed her arm, guiding her back into his office.

"Daddy, what's wrong? You look scared. What … what do I have? How long do I have to live?"

Placing her gently in his leather chair he replied …

"Rachel, you're going to be fine."

Dr. Green tried in vain to calm his daughter. As he gave her a big hug he scanned the room with his eyes. He needed information … and he knew where he could find it. It took him a moment … but he eventually found it. He pulled her head to his chest to calm her … as he grabbed her purse.

"Rachel, let me get you something to calm you down. I'll be right back … I'm just going to get you a sedative. I promise you … everything will be alright."

Raising her head from his chest she looked up into her father's eyes, gave him a kiss on the cheek and replied "Thanks daddy, I love you."

"I love you too sweet pea."

Releasing her he hid the purse from Rachel and quickly left the room.

After finding some sedatives Dr. Green quickly rifled through his daughters purse trying to find the information he was looking for. Finally finding it and swiftly scribbled down some information on a piece of paper before putting Rachel's address book back into her purse. Grabbing the telephone he made a quick call before returning to his office with the pills and a glass of water.

"Here sweetie, take these, they will relax you."

"Thanks Daddy."

Noting that her father had her purse she became curious …

"Daddy, what are you doing with my purse?"

Dr. Green hated lying to his daughter but found himself with no other choice …

"Oh, I found this in the other room. I wouldn't want you to lose it. Here, take it. I called you a cab to take you home. It will be here in a few minutes."

Rachel was still very curious as to what was going on. Her mother and father had been arguing over something … and she wanted to know what was wrong with her …

"But Daddy, what's going on? What's wrong with me? Why are you acting this way?"

Finding himself in another sticky mess, Dr. Green decided to lie again …

"Uh, uh … nothings wrong. I, I … just need to get a second opinion on your test results. It's Sunday and I won't be able to talk to one of my colleagues about them until tomorrow. Sweetie, I promise you … everything is going to be alright. Now let's get you home …"

"Alright daddy, I trust you. I'll go home but you need to promise me that you will call me when you find something out."

"I promise Rachel. I will."

* * *

As his daughter's cab sped away from the curb Dr. Green was finally able to release his anger and fury …

"I'll kill that son-of-a-bitch! No jury would convict me!"

As Dr. Green grabbed his coat he memorized the information he had written on the piece of paper in his hand. He walked to the curb and raised his hand …

"TAXI!"

* * *

Ross was completely exhausted. He had spent the better part of the weekend trying to salvage his relationship with Bonnie.

He did not want to be alone.

If he wouldn't allow himself to be with Rachel then it was time to stop being stupid and save what he had left with his girlfriend. They had talked until they ran out of words. They had cried until they ran out of tears, then they cried some more. Ross pled with Bonnie to give them another chance … just like he had with Rachel all those months ago. Bonnie resisted. She knew that Ross didn't love her … like she did him, but she had too much invested in their relationship to just walk out of it.

Just as he thought that they had worked things out … there was an angry knock at his door. Ross got up from the couch and opened it, only to find an irate Dr. Green.

"You son-of-a-bitch. You knock up my daughter and leave her for this tramp! I'm gonna kill you!"

Ross stood there, speechless. Rachel was pregnant? His day had become a disaster. Dr. Green was in no mood to wait. He demanded an answer …

"So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant …"

Ross reeled backwards as the words cut him. Rachel was pregnant, and it wasn't his. He questioned his decision to reject her when she had forgiven him. She was pregnant … with another man's baby. In another life, in a different reality … it could have been his.

Ross took a step backwards as he attempted to beat a hasty retreat from Dr. Green. Unfortunately for Ross, his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend was right behind him on the couch. She had heard everything …

"You got Rachel pregnant?" she asked.

Ross knew that she deserved the truth and she would get it. He also knew that no matter what he said she probably wouldn't believe him anyway.

"No Bonnie, I didn't get Rachel pregnant. Rachel and I broke up a long time ago. It couldn't be mine. I would never cheat on you."

As bad as things were for Ross, it was about to get a lot worse…

"You're a damn liar Gellar. Rachel told me how you cheated on her with that slut from the Xerox place!" Turning toward Bonnie he pointed his finger at her as he continued "You figured you'd get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!"

Visibly upset, Bonnie couldn't take it anymore. With everything that had happened at the restaurant and now being called a tramp by her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's father … it was just too much for her to deal with. Grabbing her coat and purse she ran to the door as Ross tried to stop her … but he was blocked by Dr. Green.

"Bonnie, please don't! It's not true! I didn't get Rachel pregnant!" he yelled as she ran out of the apartment.

She would never speak to him again.

Ross, despondent and unable to remove Dr. Green from his apartment resigned himself to the inevitable loneliness that was to come. Turning, he walked to the couch and sat down hard. Dr. Green, still incensed, moved toward Ross …

"Well Gellar, what are you going to do about my daughter?"

Ross looked up at Dr. Green without emotion and spat out the first thing that came to him …

"Would you like a drink?"

Dr. Green saw this as a ploy to deflect responsibility for his daughter's condition. He renewed his attack …

"Drink? No, I don't want a drink! Gellar, I want to know what you plan to do to make this right. You got my daughter pregnant. If you don't take responsibility for your actions and marry her … well, I'll make your life a living hell!"

Ross needed a drink. As he got off the couch he walked towards the kitchen, closely followed by Dr. Green. Entering the kitchen he grabbed his bottle of scotch, two glasses and some ice. Pouring himself a shot he raised it to his lips and inhaled it as if it were water. Slamming the glass on the counter he looked into Dr. Green's eyes …

"Dr. Green, Rachel's baby is not mine. A part of me wishes it were but it's not. I couldn't be the baby's father because I haven't been with her in over a year. If you want to know who the father is I suggest that you ask Rachel. I bet you that she knows who he is."

With that, Ross refilled his glass, making sure that it was full this time. After inhaling the contents, again, he exited the kitchen leaving Dr. Green standing there, alone.

As he entered his bedroom he didn't bother to turn on the light … he knew where the bed was. He fell onto the bed face-first. As the alcohol surged through his veins he cried. She was pregnant with HIS baby!

He had made his bed. Now he would have to lie in it.


	15. I Walk Alone

The rain pounded against the windshield. Ross was doing something so uncharacteristic for himself … he was speeding. He was in deep thought, recollecting the events of the evening. He had just left his parent's house. They had thrown a party in his honor.

"We are so proud of you!"

"You've made us so happy!"

The words echoed through his mind. His parents had always fawned over him, much to his sister's chagrin. In their eyes he could do no wrong. Now he was a success, a success beyond their wildest dreams.

But …

Their words rang hollow to him. His success had come with a price, a price so high that he wondered if it had been worth it.

He was alone again. He drove his expensive sports car through the rain toward the cold and barren cave of steel and concrete that he called home. It wasn't. Home was supposed to be a warm and happy place. His expensive high-rise apartment was not a home … it was just a place to sleep when he wasn't on the road filming. It was just a place to store his possessions. Ross laughed, finding it funny that he was spending so much on a glorified storage facility.

As he drove through the outskirts of the city the rain began to fall harder. His visibility obscured Ross pushed his foot down on the accelerator, pushing the car to even greater speeds. Trying to stay awake he tuned the car stereo to his favorite station. Leaning back in his seat he thought …

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But it's home to me and I walk alone_

Ross found himself reminiscing about the past … about how things used to be and how they could have been …

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
and I'm the only one and I walk alone_

A tear formed in his eye. He knew the truth; he had ignored it far too long. Now reality had caught up with him …

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone_

Speeding westward on the Long Island Expressway Ross pushed his car even faster. Faster and faster he drove. His only saving grace was that it was 2:00 AM and the road was nearly empty. The lights of the city loomed before him as he realized that he was about to miss his exit. Seeing it, he swerved just in time to make the exit ramp. Driving down the streets of the city he finally realized that he was traveling too fast as he sped towards a stoplight. Pushing hard on the brakes the car shuttered violently under the stress and began to fish-tail as the tires lost traction with the road.

Slowly the car began to stop. Ross, fearing for his safety panicked. He pushed harder on the brake pedal causing the front of the car to dip towards the road and the back to heave up into the air.

Ross's head began to spin, a combination of the wine he had consumed and the lateness of the hour. Finally the car came to a stop, in the middle of the intersection. Coming to his senses he looked to find the road devoid of traffic. He was safe … for the moment.

_I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the borderline  
Of the edge and where I walk alone_

He lowered his head to the steering wheel and closed his eyes. He thought about how totally empty and meaningless his life had become.

'Success without happiness is no way to live' he thought.

Raising his head he pounded his fists into the wheel, causing the horn to sound. Again and again his fists struck the wheel. His tears fell freely. He looked out the window and thought it appropriate that like himself the sky was also crying.

With a push of a button Ross raised the hardtop of his convertible, exposing himself and the interior of his car to the downpour. As the top folded into the trunk of the car Ross lifted his face to the heavens, letting the rain wash his tears away.

The rain fell harder and harder, soaking Ross and his clothes. Grasping the steering wheel Ross decided it was time to get out of the intersection. Pushing hard on the accelerator he caused the car to lurch forward, uncontrollably. Unable to gain traction against the wet street the car spun around and around in the intersection in a circular fashion.

The rain continued to fall but Ross didn't care. His success had served to insulate him from reality … and his feelings. Now the cold rain helped him to feel again. He let the rain soak his hair and roll down his face. He ran his hands through his hair, wringing out the excess water. Lowering his head and closing his eyes he took in a deep breath, savoring the smell of the wet city.

The blaring of a horn from an approaching semi-truck brought Ross out of his trance. He turned towards the source of the noise, finding himself and his beloved sports car in its path. For a moment Ross considered his options and their consequences. He decided that his life was worth saving. Pushing down hard on the gas pedal the car began to move. The wheels spun violently but had little traction with the road. As the truck entered the intersection it clipped Ross's car, tearing off the rear bumper and causing the car to spin around at high speed. Ross was thrown to the side and hit his head against the door, blacking out.

Slowly, ever so slowly Ross regained consciousness. His head hurt. He looked into his rear-view mirror at the bruise on his head. Raising his head he looked up at the sky, hoping that the cold rain would help him remain conscious.

Minutes passed. Ross noticed that the car engine was still running. Putting the car in gear he released the brake, causing the car to begin to move. Slowly he drove down the empty street, looking for a place to park. Finding an appropriate spot in an empty parking lot he brought what was left of his car to a stop.

He sat there, soaking wet with a huge lump forming on his head.

Ross stopped. He stopped doing everything. He stopped breathing and stopped thinking. He let his mind go blank. He considered his life. He considered his successes and the personal price he paid for them. He contemplated his failures. He thought about all of the people he that he had hurt and left in his wake. He thought about Monica and Chandler, Phoebe and Joey … who he hardly saw anymore. Then his mind failed him. He had worked hard and disciplined himself so as not to think about her, but then he did. He hoped that Rachel was happy. He wondered what she was doing at that moment.

Ross looked down and inhaled hard. With a great sigh he put all of his regrets into a box and hid them away … in his heart. Getting out of his car he scanned the vicinity, trying to determine where he was.

Looking down at his car Ross suddenly had an epiphany. He had to go home. It wasn't a wanting … it was a needing. It was stronger than him. He was akin to a moth attracted to a flame. He had to go no matter what the cost. One last time he gazed down at the car that epitomized his success and the life that he would soon walk away from. He turned and walked down the street, abandoning it with the door open, the top down and the engine still running.

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone  
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone..._

Ross was going home …

* * *

I will try to update on a weekly basis until the end ... but no promises. We have about 6 or 7 chapters left. The song Ross is listening to in this chapter is "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. Listening to it will give you a better idea as to how he must have felt at that moment ...

Please review ...

Thanks


	16. Coming Home

She sighed as she massaged her temples. She had a headache … a bad one. She should have been at work at this time of day but her meeting that morning had not gone well … and she had left early. She would take the rest of the day off. As she stood on the sidewalk she wanted to go home, take an aspirin and get some sleep. The knowledge of her pregnancy had been quite a shock to her. The response she had received when she told the father was even more so …

She thought back to Bloomingdales, just 30 minutes prior …

_- Flashback -_

"Mark, I need to tell you something." She said as she stood leaning up against his office doorframe.

"Of course, come on in Rachel. Take a seat."

Rachel sat nervously, fidgeting in her seat. She was uneasy and anything but relaxed. Her father had told her the news only a week ago. She had spent that week thinking, alone, away from her friends, trying to decide what to do. She had considered all of her options. She and Mark could be together, have the baby and be a family; but was she ready to be a mother? Was she ready to be a wife? Was she ready to be HIS wife?

She could always put the baby up for adoption …

Her decision would be based in part on her lover's reaction to the news.

She sat there most uncomfortably.

He waited …

She looked at him and then down to the floor.

"Rachel, what's wrong? You look upset. Please tell me." said Mark in a kind and compassionate way.

Rachel looked up into his eyes and began …

"Mark, I need to tell you something."

"OK, shoot. What's on your mind?"

"I, I will be going into the hospital in a few months. I just wanted to tell you ..."

"What? Are you all right? What's wrong?" he asked, visibly distraught.

She opened her mouth. This was one of those moments that changes your life forever. She wondered. Would he stay …. Or would he go? Internally, she questioned his devotion to her. She hoped that she had not made a huge mistake …

"I'm pregnant."

The room went silent. You could hear a pin drop. Mark leant back in his chair, clearly shocked by the news. It took time for him to process the news. He opened his mouth. His response surprised her...

"But, but, we used protection." He replied.

"Yeah, well, you know, condoms are only 97 effective!" she replied.

Silence …

It was another minute before he spoke again. This time it hurt …

"Are, are you sure it's mine?" he queried.

Anger and disgust boiled up from within her. _'How can he think that I've been with anyone else?'_ she thought.

"You must have a really low opinion of me to think that I would be cheating on you with another man. How could you think that?" She asked in desperation.

Mark answered defensively; he realized his life might never be the same again, ever.

"I'm sorry, Rachel but you've got to understand that this is a big shock to me. I'm not ready to be a father."

"…and I'm ready to be a mother?" she asked in reply. She had been seeking support from the father of her child. She wasn't sure that he had any to give. A tear started to form in her right eye and she started to whimper. It was all becoming so clear to her …

"So, Rachel, have you decided what to do about the baby?"

"What do you mean Mark?"

"I mean you are going to have an abortion, right? That would solve all of our problems."

Shock, surprise … he wanted to end his own child's life. Mark had exposed himself to her. His problems would all but disappear with a simple procedure. Mark's enthusiasm for the idea sickened her. She would have the baby. What happened after that would depend on her situation at that time in her life. Drying her eyes she looked up at him, seeking the confirmation that she needed. Mark would oblige …

"I guess having an abortion would solve our problem wouldn't it? What if I told you that I wanted to keep the baby? It is your child you know. You would have a son or daughter. Why would you want to do that to your own child?"

Mark knew where this was going and he wanted it over with. The quick, direct method was the only way to be done with this …

"Look Rachel, I'm not ready to be a father and I am certainly don't want to get married."

Rachel interrupted …

"I didn't ask you to marry me!" she yelled.

"I know but I don't want to be tied down right now. I'm happy being a bachelor. I don't want or need a child to complicate things. We, you and I are great together. You don't want to screw that up with a baby, do you?"

Sighing heavily, Rachel rose from her seat and started walking towards the door. She didn't get far before Mark stopped her with his words …

"Rachel, where are you going? We have to talk this through. I , I think you should get the abortion and be done with it. I'll even drive you down to the clinic. Can't you see this is best?"

Rachel stopped in her tracks and turned quickly to face him.

"You mean it would be best for you, don't you? Mark, this isn't about you or me anymore it's about our baby. I'm going to have this baby. You can be as involved as you want to be … or not."

Rachel had hoped that he would want to be involved in parenting the child and providing for it, financially. Her last statement was a test. Would he pass or fail? He would not keep her waiting …

"Rachel, I want nothing to do with this baby. It was an accident. I wore protection because I don't want kids right now. Look, I can't stop you from having the baby but if you decide to go through with it … well, I want nothing to do with it. In fact, you can take me to court if you want. I'm not going to pay a penny to raise a child that I don't want. I'll fight you on this if you force me too …".

Rachel stood there thinking, thinking about that fateful night so long ago that changed her life forever. She knew that if this was his child that Ross would never run away, never tell her to get an abortion. She was saddened by the fact that it would never be. Looking up at Mark she spoke her final words to him …

"Mark, you're a selfish bastard! You're thinking just for yourself. I can't believe that I ever thought of being with you. You make me sick! I hope you rot in hell you son-of-a-bitch!" she cried as she ran from his office.

_- End flashback –_

She shuddered as she remembered the look on his face as she left him. Reaching for the doorknob of Central Perk she opened it, finding the coffeehouse nearly empty. Walking over to the counter she ordered a decaf black coffee and sat down on the comfy orange couch that she and her friends so adored. She laid back in the couch and tried to wrench the tension from her exhausted body. She turned her head and scanned the room. Except for a few people at the counter and a man engrossed in reading a newspaper the place was empty.

She sighed as she sipped her coffee, trying to relax. Rachel wondered what she was going to do. She was alone now. Yes, she had her friends that she loved so much. Since she had moved to the city they had become her family. She sighed again … she couldn't put them through this. It would be too much to ask of them. Rachel considered moving back to Long Island. Her father would be supportive; after all, he was going to be a grandfather. She thought of what it would be like to leave her friends. She daydreamed about having the baby … until she was brought back to reality by the rustling of a newspaper.

Turning to her side she spat out her coffee …

"Ross."

"Having a bad day?" He asked.

She sat for a moment and thought about how to respond. _'Having a bad day … you could say that'_ she thought. Something inside her wanted to jump into his arms … for him to make all of her problems go away. She wanted it just like it used to be. She grew angry. Time had shown her that everything that she had always wanted was sitting right in front of her, but mistakes and bad decisions had taken it all away. She responded …

"What are you doing here? Where's your little girlfriend the whore?"

He let her comment pass, figuring that he deserved worse. He remained silent.

Rachel was confused. She was feeling a number of different emotions. She hadn't seen him in a while and hadn't talked to him in nearly forever … and there he was, sitting there, only a few feet away. She had so many questions.

"Well, are you going to answer me Ross? I asked you a question. You would think that you would have the courtesy to answer me!"

Ross too was feeling emotional as well. His first instinct was to take her in his arms and to kiss her until she was breathless. Unfortunately, she belonged to another … or so he thought. He looked her over and marveled at how she had changed since their breakup. She was a little thinner now and she wore her hair differently but she was still Rachel, the only girl that could take his breath away … even on a bad day. Feeling his resolve weakening he folded his paper and laid it on the table before him. Smiling at her he rose from his seat and proceeded to walk toward the door with the intent of leaving.

Rachel, taken by surprise followed his movement with intense interest. He hadn't answered her and she wanted to know why. Opportunities to see him were few and far between and she wasn't going to let him get away this time …

She ran after him.

Catching him outside the coffee house she grabbed his sleeve, causing him to pause and to turn towards her.

"Why won't you answer me Ross?"

Ross decided that she deserved to know the truth. He opened his mouth …

"Bonnie and I broke up. We're no longer together." He replied.

A look of surprise appeared across her face but she was angry, she would not stop her attack …

"So did you cheat on her too?" she asked.

Ross wanted to let her comment pass. He remained cool, calm and collected, much to Rachel's surprise. He looked sadly into her eyes …

"No I didn't cheat on her. I once cheated on someone I loved and I'll never forgive myself for hurting her."

Rachel was humbled. His admittance caught her off guard. She tried to redirect the conversation …

"So what are you doing here?"

"I'm moving back to the village. I've sold my place uptown and I'm moving into ugly naked guy's old apartment.

Rachel was speechless. He was coming home. She wondered why he was doing it. She wondered if he was coming back because of her and her pregnancy_. '… but he doesn't know about my baby.'_ She thought. Convinced that it was for his own reason selfish motives she lashed out at him …

"So you think you can just come back into our lives just like that? You think that we're all just going to take you back? You think you can just move back and all will be forgiven?"

Ross turned to walk away but stopped halfway, considering her words. Rachel had a point. He felt undeserving of their friendship. He just wanted to be happy again and this was the last place he was actually happy, with these friends, living in this neighborhood.

"No Rachel, I left you all and I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't expect to be welcomed back with open arms. Any forgiveness I receive will not be deserved … but will be greatly appreciated. Only you and the guys can decide if I deserve to be forgiven. I just want to be happy again and this place makes me happy. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?"

Rachel went silent. Her mouth dropped open. It was the first heart-to-heart talk they had had in a long time. Ross still had a way with his words. She was completely overwhelmed by them.

Ross glanced at Rachel and again fought his instinct to show her his affections. She was with Mark and he needed to deal with it. As he started to walk away he turned one last time towards her …

"And no, Rachel, I don't expect you to take me back."

Ross sadly walked away. If he was going to return home he needed to find a way to be just her friend and nothing more. He needed to let go and move on.

He had a plan.

His next stop was Bloomingdales …


	17. Bloomingdales

Ross had everything planned. He would visit Mark at Bloomingdales ...

He would congratulate him for getting the girl that once meant everything to him.

He would congratulate him for being fortunate enough to have his baby with her.

… and then he would bow out gracefully. He would be seen by his rival and his friends as being unselfish and magnanimous. Then, he thought, he could begin to move on. He would be her friend if she still wanted him to be.

He would finally move on …

If only life were that easy.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ross stood at the entrance to the building, a building he knew so well. He had not visited there since just before their breakup.

So many memories …

So many not-so-happy memories.

He was nervous. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that he would ever return to this place. Just thinking about it made him sick to his stomach. Ross sweat as he loitered near the entrance to the building. He rubbed his wet palms on his pants. He tugged at his collar to cool himself. He looked at the door and sighed. '_Could anything else be worse than this?_' he thought. _'Let's just get it over with."_

Grabbing all his courage he walked into the building and got into the elevator. He pushed the button to the floor that contained so much of his past …

As the elevator stopped at its destination Ross paused for a moment, he stared at the floor and swallowed hard. Exiting the elevator he began to search for Mark while at the same time trying to avoid Rachel. Fortunately for Ross he was recognized by an employee who worked on that floor. After signing an autograph and shaking his hand Ross asked the man where he might find Mark. The man was more than happy to point him towards Mark's office.

And now he had to face him …

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mark had been having a rough day. He had missed an important deadline, lost some important orders and to top it off his boss had been on his back about the slide in his work performance. The truth was he was angry. He felt slighted by Rachel. He couldn't or wouldn't understand why she had chosen not to be with him. All he wanted was to be happy … and he had found that happiness with her. The fact that she was having his baby did not seem to register in his brain.

His anger stemmed from the fact that he had been rejected … for a baby. He couldn't get it out of his head and it was affecting every facet of his life. He was alone now, without a girlfriend, without someone to make him feel good about himself. He refused to believe it was just because of the baby. There had to be another reason why …

… And then he got his answer … with a knock on his office door. As he tore his eyes from a report he had been trying to review … he saw him, and in his somewhat twisted view of reality his question was answered.

As he rose from his desk his first instinct was to raise his voice but he did not have that luxury, he was at work and he was already in trouble with his boss. He assumed that Rachel had run back to Ross while Ross assumed that Mark and Rachel were together, having a baby. They had no idea that their assumptions of the other were so wrong …

"Oh, its you! Ross, what are you doing here? Did you come here to gloat?"

Ross was confused. He was there to congratulate Mark and to move on. He had no idea why he was being accused of gloating. What did he have to gloat about? He decided to be as polite as he could …

"Hey Mark. I … I came to congratulate you …"

"Congratulate me for what, for getting my girlfriend pregnant?"

"Well yeah, I guess. Why are being so confrontational, Mark? I came here to congratulate you for the baby. You and Rachel must be very happy about the pregnancy."

Mark was fuming inside. He assumed that Ross knew about their breakup and he was there to "rub it in". It made him so angry he wanted to punch Ross so badly but couldn't.

Ross, on the other hand was left confused. He knew this would be tough but this was just weird. He wondered why Mark was acting so bizarre … when he had won. He had Rachel and they were having a baby. It was Ross who had loved … and lost.

Both men would quickly educate the other as to the truth of the matter …

"You know Ross I thought you were a bigger man than this! You come here to my work and rub it in my face!"

"Mark, what the hell are you talking about? Rub what in your face?"

"Oh come on now Ross, you know that Rachel and I are no longer together. You know that we broke up because of the baby!"

Ross stumbled a bit and grabbed hold of the door frame. Reality as he had known it been a lie. She was having a baby, alone. He couldn't understand why they weren't together. It wasn't that he wanted them together because he didn't, he just couldn't understand why any guy would not want to be having a baby with her.

"I … I didn't know. Why aren't the two of you together?" he asked, with a genuine look of concern.

"She broke up with me because she wants the baby and I don't. I want her to get an abortion and she refused so she ended it."

"An abortion …"

"Yes Ross, I don't want a baby."

"You would end your own child's life?"

"Ross, don't you dare judge me! I wanted your girlfriend, not a baby."

Both Mark and Ross' facial expressions seemed to change instantly. Mark wore a look of just having been found out and of the guilt of having been caught. Ross wore a look of shock; it seemed that all of his suspicions of Mark might have been true.

"Mark, what did you just say? You wanted my girlfriend?"

Mark stopped for a moment. He realized that he had made a slip-of-the-tongue. He tried to recover …

"No, no I meant I wanted your ex-girlfriend."

Ross could see right through Mark's veneer. Mark was nervous. He looked guilty of something. Mark had inadvertently let him know that he had hoped to break up Ross and Rachel … and then to claim her as his girlfriend.

"No Mark, you said you wanted my girlfriend. What did you mean by that? Tell me the truth …"

"Or you'll do what Ross? What are you going to do, hit me?"

Ross didn't have a lot of time to think about what he was about to do. He was sure of one thing: he had to know the truth. This was his life and knowing if Mark had planned their breakup would help him start getting over the guilt of cheating on her.

He had to know …

"I'll do what I have to … to learn the truth." He replied as he started a slow, calculated walk towards Mark.

By this time Mark was beginning to panic. From what Rachel had told him Ross was not a fighter and he bruised like a peach but Mark could see that he was serious, deadly serious. If he fought Ross he would probably lose his job. He tried to keep his distance from Ross, who was growing angrier by the moment.

"You know Ross … if you cause any trouble I'll have to call security and have you arrested! You wouldn't want to be arrested would you?" he asked, trying to get Ross to think rationally.

Unfortunately for Mark, Ross was not thinking rationally. His whole relationship with Rachel flashed through his mind. It had all been lost … or had it been skillfully taken away? He considered Mark to be a thief, the one who had stolen his happiness. Ross didn't care about the consequences. As he grabbed Mark by the collar he gave him one last chance …

"Please, tell me the truth …"

Feeling threatened like at no other time in his life, Mark confessed to what he had done. He told Ross about meeting Rachel in the diner, about getting her the job at Bloomingdales and about keeping her late at the office to keep them apart.

As tears threatened his eyes Ross released his grip, just as two security guards grabbed him by the arms.

Mark, feeling more confident now that help had arrived decided to add a bit of salt to the wound. He told Ross things about their relationship and their love-making that should never had been shared.

Mark knew that Ross still had feelings for Rachel and he knew how to exploit this. Mark considered Rachel to be a lost cause so he used foul language and whatever words he could devise to belittle Rachel in his eyes.

Ross hurt. The words cut him deeply. He cried silently.

Mark could see how he was hurting Ross. It felt good. He had Ross just where he wanted him.

Just then Ross was able to break free of the men holding him just for a moment, but a sweet moment is was. In that instant he grabbed mark by the jacket and swung his fist towards his face. Never the fighter, Ross closed his eyes hoping that his fist would make some sort of contact with Mark's face. Miraculously, his fist hit Mark right in the nose, breaking it instantly.

The security guards placed Ross in a windowless room to await the police … and an uncertain future.


	18. Rescue me

**I wanted to thank everyone who has followed my story, especially Exintaris, who pushes me on even though my muse has fled ...**

**The REALLY good stuff starts next chapter.**

** Please read and review ...**

** Thanks ...**

* * *

The next day … 

It was a lazy Saturday morning.

She would normally sleep late but morning sickness was taking its toll on her. Rachel had hardly slept at all. Lying on her bed she thought about what she was about to do. She had no boyfriend and the father of her child wanted nothing to do with it. She had decided that she would move back to the island, to live with her father. Dr. Green had offered to take his daughter in and to support her.

She would miss her friends.

She would miss him.

She readied herself to tell her friends. She didn't want to, but she felt that she had to, and it had to be this morning.

The phone rang, breaking her train of thought. She looked over at the phone on her nightstand.

The phone rang again. Rachel hesitated; she did not want to talk to anyone. She was tired and scared. She was in deep thought … trying to figure out how to tell her friends that she was leaving.

The phone rang a third time. Rachel sighed and reached for the telephone. Grabbing the phone she raised it to her ear as she began to speak. She stopped as she heard her roommate speaking on the other phone …

"Hello."

"Monica, thank God its you! I was hoping that you'd pick up. I'm in trouble and I need your help!"

"Ross, what's wrong? Where are you?"

"Mon, I've been arrested. I'm being held at the 6th precinct jail on West 10th street."

"Wha … what happened? Why are you in jail?"

"Mon, I did something stupid. I went to Bloomingdales to talk to Mark about Rachel and the baby. I wanted to congratulate him for Rachel's pregnancy. I needed to move on and I thought the best way to do that was to try to be alright with them being together."

"So what happened at Bloomingdales?" Asked Monica.

"It didn't go well. I had no idea that Mark and Rachel had broken up. Mark was really mad at me for showing up at his work. He told me that he wanted Rachel to terminate the pregnancy."

The line went silent …

"Ross?" asked Monica. "Are you alright?"

"During our argument Mark accidentally let it slip that he had planned to break Rachel and I up for a long time. He had it all planned."

Rachel was shocked at what she had just heard. She clasped her hand across her mouth. The truth hurt. Her relationship with Mark had happened because of Mark's plan to make Ross jealous. His plan had worked so well. She didn't think that she could hate Mark any more than she already did.

She was wrong …

"Ross, so why are you in jail?" asked his sister.

"Mon, Mark told me so many terrible, vengeful things about his relationship with Rachel. I lost control and punched him in the face. I broke his nose."

Satisfaction and a smile filled Rachel's face as Ross told his sister about breaking Mark's nose.

"You punched Mark?" asked Monica.

"Yes, I punched him and got arrested for assault. Please Mon, can you come down to the precinct and bail me out? I don't have enough on me to get me out of here. I'll pay you back when I'm released. I've been here overnight and I'd really like to get out!"

"How much is your bail?" asked Monica.

"A thousand dollars." Replied Ross.

"Wow, that's a lot. I'll do my best to round up the bail money and get down there as soon as I can, OK?"

"Thanks Monica. Oh hey, I'd appreciate it Mon if you could do me another favor?"

"What, another favor? What is it?" asked Monica.

"Please don't tell Rachel about this. She hates me enough as it is. I don't want her to hate me anymore."

"Ross, Rachel does not hate you. She would probably be happy to hear that you stood up for her in front of Mark."

"Mon, please don't tell her. I'm worried about her. She's having Mark's baby, alone. She doesn't need the additional stress."

"Fine Ross, alright, I won't tell her. Give me a few hours to come up with your bail then I'll be right down."

"Thanks Mon, I'll pay you back. Hey, the guard is telling me to get off the phone. My time is up. Goodbye …"

"Bye Ross." Replied Monica as she sprang into action. Slamming the phone down she grabbed a bagel she was eating before the call and began to list all the people she could borrow money from. She turned to walk towards her bedroom to get dressed when she spotted Rachel standing in her bedroom doorway.

Trying to keep her promise to her brother Monica tried to keep the fact that Ross was in jail from her …

"Hey Rach. I've got to get dressed and … and meet a friend for brunch."

"Monica, I know that Ross called. I heard everything on my bedroom phone."

"You heard everything? You were listening in?"

"I picked up my phone right after you did. I had no intention of eavesdropping in on your conversation … until I heard his voice. I know he's in jail for hitting Mark."

"I'm sorry that you heard all of that, Ross didn't want to stress you out any more than you already are."

"I know, I heard. Mon, can I ask you for a big favor?"

"Sure, what?" replied Monica.

"It's Saturday, go enjoy yourself."

"But what about Ross?" asked Monica.

"Don't worry about Ross, I'll take care of him."

"How?" Monica asked curiously.

"Just trust me. Don't worry about the bail money; I have a feeling that you won't be needing it."

"What are you planning on doing?"

"Trust me. Just promise me that you will not go down and bail Ross out."

"But …" replied a concerned Monica, just before being cut off by Rachel.

"Mon, I promise you, you brother will be released soon. Everything will be alright."

"But I promised him that I would be there for him."

"Monica, I know how important it is for you to keep your promises but please, trust me. I'll take care of it, alright?"

Monica walked over to Rachel and hugged her.

"You still love him, don't you?"

Rachel said nothing, she simply hugged Monica back, released her and walked into her bedroom.

She had to get ready ...

The most pivotal day of her life was upon her.


	19. The Man in the MIrror

**Chapter 19 - The Man in the Mirror**

There are few such humbling experiences as to be incarcerated and thrown into a pit of despair.

Ross stared down into the pool of water that had collected in the sink. Each time a drop of water fell from his nose it created a ripple in the water. Each ripple distorted his reflection … causing him to wonder.

He was educated. He had money. He had his own television show.

He should not have been there.

Ross moved from the sink and sat on a bench in his holding cell, waiting for his sister to bail him out. Sitting there, among the dregs of the city gave him the chance to think and to look back, to contemplate his triumphs and his failures.

His mistakes …

He scanned the cell with his eyes. His stare traveled from man-to-man. Each had their own story to tell. The drunk, the thief, the drug addict …

They were souls with broken bodies that had lost hope. Each had found a way to cope with the hurt and pain with drugs and alcohol. Each man had surrendered to their vice of choice.

Ross wondered how each of these men had gotten to this point … but then found himself asking the same of himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the drug dealer urinating in the toilet next to him, in plain sight. He had sunk to an all-time low. The smell of body odor and of other unmentionable smells overwhelmed his senses. He had always felt superior to these types until then, but then he realized that ... that he was no better than them.

Ross lowered his hands into his hands …

'_What am I doing here?'_

'_Why do I make so many stupid mistakes?'_

'_I've been a fool and a jerk. I've been lying to myself. It's funny because I know that I'm lying but I still do it anyway. I believe the lies. It's gotten so easy to believe …I've been doing it for such a long time.'_

15 years …

'_No matter what I do I end up the same. Miserable.'_

'_I know why I act this way. I've always known why …'_

'_Rachel Green'_

'_Why did my sister have to pick her to be her best friend? Why did I have to have a crush on her in high school? Why did she have to come back into our lives? Why does she have this affect on me?'_

'_Why did I have to cheat on her?'_

'_Why did I feel compelled to go talk to Mark? I had nothing but honorable intentions when I went to talk to him. Why did he have to disrespect her?'_

'_Why did I care enough to hit him?'_

Ross knew why …

'… _Because I still love her.'_

As Ross reveled in his new-found truthfulness he started to notice a new stench, much worse than anything prior. Looking to his right he watched as the drunk threw up all over the bench, missing him by inches. Jumping to his feet he walked over to the bars of the cell and held on with both hands. Placing his chin on a cross-bar he wondered why Monica was taking so long. It had been almost three hours since he had called and she was nowhere in sight.

Standing against the bars he started thinking again, something he had repressed for so long. He had found it easier to not think and put it off for later than to deal with his feelings.

Ross wondered how his friends would handle the fact that he would be a convicted felon.

He wondered if he would still be hosting his television show once the news got out.

… And then he focused on her. How was he going to deal with Rachel? She was pregnant with another man's baby. The last time they were in the same room together she had been filled with anger and rage at him.

'_She hates me …'_ He thought. _'How can we move past this if she and I can't be in the same room together? How will I get her to talk to me if all she wants to do is pull my hair out?'_

And then he considered the real reason why he had left …

'_Even if she would talk to me how am I going to get past this cloud of guilt that I've lived under for these many months? The guilt … I just couldn't deal with it. I hurt her so much. How will I deal with it now that I can be honest with myself? I can't see her again so soon.'_

Ross knew that his sister was on her way … she had always been so responsible and prompt. He figured that she was having problems raising his bail. Then he considered another sticky issue that he was going to have to deal with …

'_Chandler'_

'_My little sister is involved with my best friend? I still can't believe it. I'll have to confront him about this. If he's using her I'll kick his ass!'_

And then he considered the consequences …

'_I can't do that. Monica will hate me just as badly as Rachel does. Of course, if both Monica and Rachel hate me then Phoebe will support them and have to hate me too. Of course Chandler will hate me for kicking his ass … and Joey is best friends with Chandler so he'll probably hate me too.'_

At that point Ross decided that kicking Chandler's ass was not in anyone's best interest, especially his own. He released his grip on the bars and started pacing the cell. He had been there for far too long and he wanted out. As he reached the back of the cell he heard a voice call his name …

"Geller?" Asked the jailor as he scanned the cell for Ross.

"Yes, I'm Ross Geller."

The jailor unlocked the door and let Ross out of the cell. Relieved to finally be let go Ross was curious …

"Did my sister come with the bail?

The jailor was a hard and grizzled veteran of many years of dealing with the mass of human trash that passed through his precinct. He turned his head to face Ross. Incredulously he stared at Ross before responding to his questioning …

"Buddy, do I look like I care? I got instructions to release you and that's what I did. Go through that door and talk to the desk sergeant, he'll tell you how to collect your wallet and other personal belongings."

Ross got the hint and immediately went to see the desk sergeant.

"My … my name is Ross Geller." Ross said as he nervously fidgeted with his hands. He had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that he wanted out of the jail … and quickly.

The desk sergeant looked up from the paperwork he had been focusing his attention on.

"It's a long way from the Discovery Channel, isn't it Dr. Geller?"

"You know who I am?" Asked Ross, surprised.

"I have your paperwork right here. I've watched your show a few times. My son likes it and, if I have time I watch with him." Replied the sergeant as he handed Ross his wallet and other personal items.

"Does he really like the show?" Asked Ross, curious.

"Yeah, he does. He's only 11 but he already wants to go to college and learn how to dig up dinosaur bones for a living."

Ross thought of himself as a child. He tried to remember what it would be like to be 11 again. At that age anything is possible, the world is your oyster and you're so young that you haven't had the chance to mess up your life.

'_Life was sure a lot easier at 11' _he thought.

"Now what?" he asked.

"You're free to go Dr. Geller." Replied the sergeant.

"What? When do I find out when my court date is?"

"As I said before, you're free to go. The charges against you have been dropped. You're a free man."

"Dropped?"

"Look Dr. Geller, I don't have all the answers … all I know is that you were charged with assault. The alleged victim has decided to drop any and all charges against you. You have no future court date because your record has been wiped clean. It is as if the alleged assault never happened."

"Dropped?" asked Ross again, shocked at the news of his liberation.

The sergeant knew that Ross was an intelligent man. He wondered why he was having such a hard time believing the fact that he was free …

"You're free. You're free to go back to living you're life the way you were living it."

Ross's mind stopped functioning. If not for his involuntary actions like breathing he would have dropped dead. He focused on the words …

'… _free to go back to living you're life the way you were living it.'_

Ross stared at the sergeant, the sergeant became concerned.

"Dr. Geller?"

Ross continued to stare at the sergeant, remember his words … _'the way you were living it.'_ He could just as easily do it, just walk out of the building and return to his comfortable life of relative luxury.

Or ..

Or maybe not. Perhaps it was time to seriously consider the truths he had been able to accept while wasting away in his cell.

The he realized an indisputable fact ... his life since the breakup had been like a figurative jail cell. He had been trapped in a cell created by himself, the bars made of unbreakable guilt, a guilt for hurting the one person he thought he would never hurt, the one he once thought he would …

The dreams of the past seemed so distant, so unreachable.

"Dr. Geller. Are you alright?" asked the concerned sergeant.

Ross looked over at the man seated in authority before him. He thought about the future …

"What's your son's name?"

"My sons name? Well, you might find this funny but it's Ross." Replied the sergeant.

For the first time that day Ross chuckled and smiled, at least for a moment. Reaching into his wallet he pulled out a business card.

"Can I borrow your pen for a second?" asked Ross.

"Sure, here." Replied the sergeant as he handed Ross a pen.

Taking the pen Ross scribbled a few words on the back of the card and then handed the pen and card to the sergeant. Taking the card the sergeant read what Ross had written. He was both shocked and joyful … for his son.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Call me at that number when it gets close to his birthday. I'll take him on his own private tour of the museum after closing time. He'll be able to see and touch things that are normally off-limits to the public. I'll tell him that it was all you're idea."

"Wow. Do you know how great this will make me look … in my son's eyes?"

"He will see you as you should be seen, as a great father who loves his son. Just do your son a favor …"

"What's that?" replied the sergeant.

"Encourage him to do what makes him happy and not necessarily what will make him a lot of money." Ross's gaze dropped to the floor, at his expensive shoes and then back up to the sergeant. "Money has never made me happy."

At that, Ross said goodbye and turned to walk out of the building, to face his destiny. He found some comfort in the fact that he would have some time to prepare himself to deal with the truth … until destiny stared him squarely in the face.

As Ross walked briskly through the waiting room towards the door to the street he found destiny seated in a chair with legs crossed and arms folded across her chest, staring into his eyes.

Rachel Green ...


	20. For My Baby

Sorry for the delay life tends to get in the way. I would like to thank OHIOBUCKEYE for reminding me that I have a duty to finish this story. I've been writing it for over a year ... and it wouldn't be right to just drop it, right before the end. 

Just a few chapters remain ...

* * *

_**"Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper." – Albert Einstein**_

* * *

Ross ceased walking and came to a complete stop. His mouth was slightly opened. It was the only outward indication of how really shocked he was at seeing Rachel again, so soon. He couldn't speak even if he wanted to; she had that effect on him.

Rachel sat in her seat in an offensive posture, as if she were going to strike … but on her own terms. She sat like a lioness, patiently waiting to strike. She stared into her ex-lover's eyes as if to ask the question most on her mind and heart … Why?

Ross couldn't or wouldn't take it anymore. He had been in that hell-hole of a jail for too long and the last thing he wanted was to extend his stay. He wanted out … 

She stood her ground, waiting patiently for him to make the first move.

Ross grew impatient and decided that talking to her was better than sticking around a jail that he wanted to get out of …

"Rachel … what , what are you doing here?" He asked.

That was it. In her current mindset she had been freed to make the next move … and that move was to get up and leave, so she did. Rachel unfolded her arms, grabbed her purse, raised herself from her seat and left through the door. All of this profoundly confused Ross. He had expected his sister to come to his rescue, not his ex-girlfriend. Ross considered the situation for a moment and then decided to run after her. She was not the only one who needed answers.

Running out the door he looked left … and then quickly right, trying to catch a glimpse of her. Panicking, Ross ran a few steps towards her apartment but stopped as he could find no sign of her. Reversing his course he ran ever farther in the opposite direction but still could not see her. Resigned to the fact that she had walked off he returned to the door of the jail to ponder why he had come to find her there. He could make no sense of it and the answer to his question seemed more elusive than ever.

Ross loitered there, near the door, hoping that perhaps his sister would miraculously show up and explain what had just happened but after a fleeting moment he came to the conclusion that he was alone … and the reason for her appearance would remain a mystery. That was until he turned to walk home and heard a voice originating from the only direction he had failed to check … across the street.

"Why?" She asked as she slowly walked towards him. 

Ross turned slightly to face her …

"Why? Why what?" He replied.

As she got closer to him Rachel grabbed her purse and laid into him. Out of sheer frustration she pounded him time and again with the purse, until he cried out for her to stop …

"Rachel, stop, please! I beg you. What's wrong?" He asked.

"Why? Why have we ended up this way?" She questioned, as emotion dripped from her eyes as she slowed her attack, getting in a few more hits on him before finally stopping. Rachel paused, catching her breath. Slowly she looked up from the ground towards him, her face exhibiting so much emotion. Ross felt like shit. He had caused her so much pain. He had to answer her question, lest he burst from the guilt. Thinking that Rachel was referring to his being in jail he replied as best he could …

"I assaulted Mark … and I have no idea why they released me."

Rachel gave him an angry glare. She assumed that Ross was just playing stupid and was avoiding the real meaning of her question. She swung her purse again and threw everything she had into hitting him squarely on the shoulder, causing him to flinch in pain. 

"Ouch, please stop hitting me!" He begged.

Rachel paused again. She raised her left hand to move some stray hair out of her eyes. Again she gazed up at him, furiously. Her body shuddered from the anger she was holding back. She couldn't believe that he could be so stupid.

"No, why have you and I ended up this way? Why did you leave?" She asked as she lowered her eyes to the ground. 

Words escaped him. Ross was totally unprepared to respond to her question. He had assumed that he would have time to prepare answers for the inevitable time that he would be asked … but destiny would have none of that. It was time. She deserved to know.

"Hmmm …"

"Well?" She asked, as she again looked at him and clenched her right hand around her purse strap. "Don't I deserve to know the truth?"

Ross considered her request for a moment before finally answering, "I left you because I cared for you. When you forgave me I pushed you away because I wanted you to be happy."

The repressed feelings of loss began welling up within Rachel. She didn't know how to deal with the answers he was giving her. Each answer seemed to contradict reality as she knew it …

"Let me get this straight, you abandoned me because you cared for me then you left me AGAIN when I forgave you for cheating with that whore because you wanted me to be happy? Do you know how shitty that sounds Ross? Why can't you just be a man and tell me the truth?"

"Rachel, I am telling you the truth. I left because I had a sickness, jealousy. I loved you but I also made you very unhappy. I told you that "This ship had sailed" when I found out you had feelings for me. I made a list of your good and bad points and that crushed you. Then we got together and I got jealous and slept with another woman. What can you not understand? I left so that I would no longer hurt you. I left to make it easier on you so that you could move on."

Anger built up within Rachel. The truth hurt. The tears began to flow from the pain of knowing. Rachel summoned up all her strength to reply …

"Ross, you know what? I'm a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me!"

"I just thought …" Replied Ross, before being swiftly cut off by Rachel. She was not finished …

"I hated you … I really hated you!" She retorted as she lowered her face toward her hands. Rachel had felt the pang of sadness before, but never like this. She was consumed by it. She lowered her face into her hands and began to cry with no inhibitions. She didn't care if he saw her cry. In her mind he deserved to see what he had done to her … in the name of love.

Ross went silent. He considered apologizing but that would be insufficient to make up for the past. She deserved more; she deserved the truth. He prepared to reopen old wounds, so that she could finally be healed …

"I guess that makes us even." He replied.

Rachel looked up at him through her tears, as her makeup ran down her face. She had no idea what he was talking about. She wanted to know after all he had put her through why he had hated her …

"You hated me? Why? What did I ever do to deserve this?" She asked.

Ross remembered …

"I had been in love with you since I can remember, but you would hardly give me the time of day." Pausing, Ross built up the courage to reveal a juvenile act from his past …

"Do you remember my friend Will from High School?"

"No." She replied after careful consideration.

"No, I guess you wouldn't. Will was heavy and unattractive. He and I hung out together a lot. He and I started a club … the "I hate Rachel" club."

"My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me! Why Ross, why?"

"I joined the club because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club."

"Yeah, sure Ross. I always join a "hate" club when I love someone."

"Rachel, don't you remember Julie? Monica told me about all the mean things you did and said about her when we were dating. Why did you do all of those things to her?"

Rachel considered his sincerity and the fact that he was right. She had hated Julie not because she was a bad person, but because she had Ross … and at the time she too wanted him. As nice as Julie was she had to hate her.

"Alright Ross, I get your drift. You hated me because you really wanted me …" Replied Rachel, before she was again cut off …

"And then there was a time as we were breaking up … that I had to hate you again."

"You hated me when in reality it was you who cheated on me?" She asked.

"Yes, and for your information I hated myself too. I hated you because you just couldn't understand just how uncomfortable I was with you working with Mark. If our roles had been reversed and it was me working with another woman I would have taken your concerns more seriously because I loved you and wanted you to feel secure in our relationship."

Rachel was furious. She felt that she was being blamed for their breakup …

"So now I'm responsible for you cheating with that whore?"

Now it was his turn to be angry. Ross raised his voice so that she would finally understand that he had accepted the blame …

"No Rachel! I take full responsibility for my actions. You didn't force me to cheat. I just wish that you had taken my concerns about Mark a little more seriously. There's no telling what you and I could have become by now if I hadn't screwed it all up."

Ross had another secret, another reason why he had left her, but he didn't want to come across to her as being selfish … even though it had everything to do with him and his motivation for leaving. He considered keeping his mouth shut but it wouldn't have been fair to her.

"Rachel, there's another reason why I left and why we can never be together again.

Rachel was saddened by his words "never again". She was pregnant and tired from pummeling Ross. She sat herself on a nearby bench, unprepared for his next revelation. She looked up towards him and made a failed attempt to conceal her tears.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because of the guilt that I feel from what I've done to you. Look at you, you're pregnant with Mark's baby and he does not even want it."

Rachel was indignant. She couldn't or wouldn't believe that simple guilt could keep two people apart. She fired back with anger … "You know what Ross? It was my decision to sleep with Mark! You have nothing to feel guilty about! Stop using guilt as an excuse!"

Ross could feel her slipping away as her anger got the better of her. He had to get to her, to find the words to explain …

"I'm not using it as an excuse Rachel, it's a fact. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life when I was with you. I had a great job and I was in love with the girl of my dreams." 

Ross looked down and away from her. Rachel could tell that this was no act. He was hurting. He was finally opening up to her.

"I had it all … and I threw it all away. How could I get back with you knowing that I would end up hurting you again? There would always be a Mark in our relationship."

And then he sought the confirmation that had long eluded him. For some reason he had always known the answer … but he had to hear it from her.

"Tell me, honestly. When we were dating … was Mark anything to you, other than a friend or co-worker? Did you want to be with him?"

Rachel paused for a moment. She had been asked this question so many times she tired of hearing it. For some reason this time was different. She couldn't explain it but she felt that her answer was going to be one of the mot important of her life.

"No Ross. Mark was just a friend who I happened to work with, nothing more!"

Ross looked at her as if he had expected no other reply. "I thought so. I guess I really screwed things up this time, didn't I?"

"You think?" She replied as if to ask him if he was an idiot.

Again Ross considered his options. This would be a good point to extricate himself from the conversation. He could simply say goodbye and leave. Everything would be alright … or would it? "No." He replied, answering his own question. It would be so easy to simply walk away, but this was Rachel … and she needed a friend.

"Rachel, where's Monica? She was supposed to bail me out of jail."

Rachel considered his questioning and decided to deserve to know the truth …

"She isn't coming. I told her that I would get you out myself."

"You bailed me out?" He asked.

"Not exactly." She replied. She didn't know if she was ready to tell him, but now was as good a time as any … "I went to talk to Mark. I got him to drop the charges against you …"

"For what?" He asked, interrupting her. "What did you agree to on my behalf?" He demanded.

Rachel looked at him as if she were guilty of something. She had nothing to feel guilty about. What she had done … she had done with honorable intentions.

"I told Mark that if he dropped the charges against you … I would let him go free and never seek support from him for my baby. I offered to free him from all responsibility …"

"You did that for me?" He asked, somewhat hopefully.

"I did it for my baby! The father of my child wants nothing to do with me or it. The last thing I want in my life is a good-for-nothing man around to screw things up Ross, just like you!" She replied as she pointed her finger at him.

Rachel began to cry, again. Rachel could foresee nothing but loneliness and sorrow in her future. It was her choice to abort her baby … or have it, alone. Neither option suited her. In a different reality she would be welcoming her baby into the world with her love at her side. Her current reality was so far from the dreams of her teens. She remembered how she and Monica used to talk, to dream about falling in love, having a wedding and babies …

Rachel was alone … until she felt a pair of hands rest on her shoulder and back. She resisted, rebuffing his advances as she forced his hands from her body. She had no desire to be touched by him.

Minutes passed …

Again Ross tried to touch her. He could see that she needed a friend. While guilt prevented him from being with her, at least he could be her friend, again. Again he lowered his hand to her shoulder, slowly and deliberately. Amazingly she did not object to being touched … and ultimately held by him in a warm hug. Rachel reveled in the warmth of his embrace and of the scent of his cologne. It had been so long. His embrace was more than she could ask for, but she could or would not let him know how she felt. When she fell in love with Ross Geller she gave him a power over her … to make her the happiest girl in the world, or to destroy her. He had done both. She was tired and afraid to let the man who she had loved … and conversely been hurt buy so much into her life, again. 

Monica would joke about Rachel's inability to make a resolution and keep it. She would use Rachel's failure to keep a diary as a prime example of her lack of resolve. Rachel had bought a journal as a New Years resolution … but had never once written anything in it. Ever since Rachel had found out that she was pregnant she had decided to record her thoughts and feelings for her unborn child in the journal, in the hope that her baby would read them one day. 

Ross had walked Rachel back to her apartment, making sure she was safe and alright before he left. As she changed for bed she decided to make a notation for her child …

"Dear Baby,

I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight, and that's all they do. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, and they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it."

Perhaps Ross was right; they never would be "Ross and Rachel" ever again. She closed her journal and put in on her nightstand and turned off the light. It was a dark moonless night and her room was bathed in black. It was so dark that no one could see the smile on her face. It was as if she had been taken back in time, before she had found he had feelings for her. 

Perhaps they could be friends again … and in time perhaps more?


	21. The Nudge

**I present Chapter 21, "The Nudge". Four (4) chapters to go ...  
**

**Thank you for reading and please review if you enjoy reading this ...**

* * *

They were in love …

He couldn't figure out why hadn't considered them to be a romantic possibility before. Perhaps it was because Chandler had been mean to her when she was fat. Later, after she had lost the weight, Monica had "accidentally" cut off his toe.

Why was he having such a hard time accepting them as a couple?

Perhaps it was because they were so different. In his mind their differences seemed to deny them the possibility of being together.

Ross knew why he felt this way. What his sister and best friend now had was something that he once had. He wanted it back. Most days he would face destiny and deny her. It was like a cancer that slowly consumed his soul.

Standing in her kitchen he watched, staring, as if hypnotized by the display of affection between the adoring couple. He wanted them to be happy, but why did they have to be so happy in front of him?

He couldn't watch anymore. Looking for an escape, he eyed that favorite of balconies. Moving past the tangled pair he moved to climb through the window …

"Sorry …"

He stopped, waiting a moment before replying.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"We didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Ross had no right to ask them to stop, it wasn't his apartment and his sister deserved to be happy … even if it meant being happy with his best friend. Monica and Chandler were free to do what they wished. He couldn't let them know just how uncomfortable he was with it …

"It's OK Monica, this is your place. I'm just going to go out and get some fresh air."

Ross climbed through the window and onto the balcony, temporarily distancing himself from them. Looking out over the city he wondered. He wondered how things had ended up this way. He was alone, his wife was a lesbian and his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby. To top it off his sister was dating his best friend. If it weren't all true he could have written a book.

Ross tensed up as he felt a presence climb through the window. He had hoped to be alone … it just wasn't his day to get what he wanted. He had expected his sister but instead he got a not-so-gentle nudge …

"Are you OK?" asked Chandler.

Ross considered how best to answer. Since breaking up with Rachel he had become quite the introvert, not really enjoying talking about his feelings.

"Why do you ask?"

Chandler had always had the ability to see right through him. He knew that Ross was uncomfortable with his relationship with Monica, but he also knew that it was more than that. He was in conflict with himself. Ross's brain and heart were at odds and Chandler had had enough of seeing his friend in pain. Ross deserved to be happy. He was going to do as much as he could to make that happen …

"I don't know, maybe it's because you are so uncomfortable with me dating your sister? Maybe it's because every time you look at us you remember what you used to have … and its killing you? Maybe it's because you're in love with Rachel and she's carrying Mark's baby?

"Stop it, please!" begged Ross. Chandler knew him too well, but he wasn't finished … yet.

"And maybe it's because she wants you too but something inside you wouldn't let you be with her … and she hurts because of it?"

Ross said nothing, he simply stared out onto the city, hoping that his friend would go and leave him alone.

Chandler considered if he had gone too far … or perhaps not far enough. He felt compelled to act, to stop the madness between two of his best friends. It wouldn't be easy. He had Ross alone … it was time to make a stand. He had to force Ross to see things differently, through the eyes of his friends … and the woman he loved. He would have to betray them all …

"Rachel still loves you … very much."

"What?" asked Ross, surprised, as he looked over towards his old friend.

"Girls talk. She lives with your sister and she tells Monica a lot. Ross, don't you notice the way she looks at you when you're together? She loves you but she's hurt. She knows that you love her too, but can't understand why you reject the idea of you two being together."

"Chandler, I don't want to talk about it, please."

"Well you're going to talk about it! The rest of us are tired of seeing you and Rachel hurt each other, whether you mean to or not. I can understand why you had to leave after you broke up but I'm glad you came back. You and I have been friends for a long time. I missed you. "

"Chandler, you have Joey. You don't need me."

"How the hell can you say that Ross? You and I shared a dorm room through college … and we shared so much more. I would have never met your sister if it weren't for you! I had to listen to your endless rambling about how great Rachel was and how you much you longed to be with her. Now you have the opportunity to have everything you've ever wanted since you were 15 … and you're just going to let it pass. Sometimes you make no sense to me Mr. PhD!"

Chandler was frustrated. He paused and lowered his voice before continuing …

"Sometimes you only get one chance in life to live your dreams. Rachel is giving you a second chance dammit! Take it! Love her like you always have! You may never get another chance to be with her again."

Ross looked away from his old friend, shamed by the truth of his words. Each word cut like a knife. He lowered his head, fighting the tears.

Chandler, on the other hand could see that Ross had been weakened and that he should continue to press his friend to reconcile with Rachel. As he opened his mouth to continue he was interrupted …

"Chandler, I cheated on her and then I lied about it. She deserves better than me."

"Ross, don't you think that Rachel deserves to make that decision? Don't you think that she can decide what is best for herself? I know you feel a lot of guilt for sleeping with Chloe … but there comes a time when you have to let go and move on with your life. Imagine the good you could do for her. She thinks that she will be going through her pregnancy all alone… even when we tell her that we will all be there for her."

And then Chandler told Ross something that perhaps he shouldn't have …

"Ross, Rachel doesn't need you … she wants you. I remember the night that you left on your trip to China. I accidentally told her how you felt about her. You should have seen the look on her face. You were her best friend … she didn't know how to deal with the fact that you had been in love with her for so long. Can't you trust her enough to make the right decision … for her?"

"Chandler, it's not that easy. If we get back together I'll end up hurting her again."

"Ross, that's what forgiveness is for. Look, I haven't told you this … but I love your sister. I love Monica!"

Ross was visibly shaken by the revelation that his best friend was in love with his baby sister. Chandler had told Ross many times that he had never, ever been in love before. His legs buckled under the stress. Chandler grabbed his arm and supported him before he could fall to the floor of the balcony. Ross looked up to his old friend …

"You love her?"

"I do. I know that as her big brother I should have told you before … but I do love her."

"Wow." Is all Ross could say. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling you because in the past I've hurt Monica. If it were not for your sister's capacity to forgive … we would never have had a chance to be together. Don't you remember how badly I treated her when she was fat? Your sister is beautiful in more ways than one. She has a beautiful capacity to forgive …no matter what mistake I make. Rachel forgave you … when the hell are you going to forgive yourself, Ross?"

Ross had had enough. Chandler had asked just the right questions … at the wrong time. He needed to get out of there so he could think … and consider his words.

"Chandler, I've got to go." Replied Ross as he started to move toward the window. Before he could make it Chandler cut him off …

"Ross, she's going to find someone."

Ross stopped, halfway through the window, frozen in mid-step. He turned towards his friend and asked "What?"

Chandler took a few steps towards Ross, put his hand on his shoulder and said what he had to say …

"Eventually Rachel is going to find someone else. You told us that you left so that she could find someone else and be happy. Well she's found someone … you, but if you continue down this path she is eventually going to move on. There are a lot of guys out there who would love to be with her … even with her having a baby. Remember that the next time you see her."

At that Chandler inched past Ross through the window and sat next to Monica on the couch.

Monica was curious … "Is everything alright Chandler?"

Chandler paused as he watched Ross exit the balcony through the window. "I'm not sure Mon."

It took Ross a few moments to consider Chandler's words. He was right, eventually she would move on. It was what he wanted for her … to be happy, but why did Chandler's words cut so deep? 'Rachel's going to find someone else.' The words left him confused about his own feelings. He began to gather his things as he prepared to leave for his own apartment …

"Ross, you can keep running … but you can't hide from yourself and your feelings. Go, go back to your apartment and think. You know that I'm right." Shouted Chandler, leaving Monica a little startled.

"Thanks for the advice Chandler. I'm not going back to my apartment to think, I'm going to drop my stuff off and then go visit my friends Ari and Esther at the home. I've been so busy traveling that I haven't seen them in months.

Just as Ross turned to leave the phone rang … and rang again. Ross looked over at his sister and best friend who were in the middle of some serious kissing. Ross rolled his eyes …

"Would you like me to get that?" He asked.

"Please, if you don't mind." replied Monica.

Ross dropped his things on the table and answered the phone. After a few moments of listening, Ross replied …

"No, she's not here right now, can I take a message?"

Monica and Chandler stopped kissing for a moment and looked over at Ross. He pulled out a pad and pen and started taking down a message. After the phone call was over Ross put down the phone and stared at the piece of paper he had just written on. Moments passed …

Monica was concerned … "Is everything alright?"

Ross continued to stare at the note. It was like deja-vu. A part of him wanted to throw it away. Ross looked up and responded with a fake smile …"Yeah, everything's fine."

Ross then carefully placed the note next to the phone and gathered up his things. As he approached the door the doorknob turned and Rachel entered, tired from a long day at work.

Noticing Ross, she greeted him with a smile. "Hey."

"Hi." He replied. "There's a message for you over there by the phone."

"Thanks. Are you sticking around for a while?" she asked.

After a moment of careful consideration he replied …"No, I think I better get going. Bye Monica, bye Chandler. Bye Rach."

"Bye Ross" they both replied as Ross made a hasty retreat from the apartment.

"Bye Ross." Replied Rachel, standing there in her coat, confused. "That was strange." She muttered as she reached for the message Ross had left. Rachel picked up the message and read over it, quickly. For some reason she started to panic.

Monica and Chandler watched from couch. Noting her raised anxiety they became concerned …

"Rachel, what's wrong?" Asked Monica.

"Nothing, nothings wrong." She muttered as she quickly dialed the number on the note. "Did Ross say where he was going before he left?"

Chandler considered his talk on the balcony with Ross to be a failure. He hoped that Rachel would be more susceptible to being 'nudged'. Perhaps he could get Rachel to talk to Ross. He was the first to reply to her question …

"Yeah, after he took your phone message he told us that he was going to drop his stuff off at his apartment before he went out to visit a girlfriend. For some reason he seemed pretty upset about something."

"A girlfriend?" Asked Rachel, quickly hanging up the phone.

Monica looked to respond, not understanding why Chandler had lied to Rachel. Chandler grabbed her arm to get her attention begging her with his eyes to let him continue.

"Yeah, I think her name is Esther or something. If you need to talk to Ross you better hurry and catch him before he leaves his apartment."

Rachel considered what to do. She ran to her room and threw her things on the bed. Emerging from the bedroom she ran to the door and left …

"Chandler, why did you lie to her?"

"Mon, aren't you sick and tired of seeing your brother and best friend unhappy? They love each other. They should be together."

"Chandler, we agreed that we were not going to get involved or interfere with Ross and Rachel's situation! You agreed!"

Chandler was not swayed by Monica's argument. He had agreed not to interfere … but he had changed his mind. He knew he was right.

"Monica, I don't agree anymore. We all know they should be together, even Rachel knows it. It's your brother's fear of hurting her again and the 'We were on a break' guilt that's keeping them apart. I believe that if they spend more time together Ross will finally be open to take another chance."

And then he told Monica of his own dilemma …

"Mon, which is worse, do nothing and watch your friends suffer day-to-day, ignoring their feelings for each other or get involved and try to help? I gambled and I took a chance. I hurt no one. All I did was give them a nudge. It's up to them now."


	22. 50 years from now

'Where are my keys?' he asked himself. He had arrived home, gotten changed and freshened himself up in preparation for visiting his friends … but he could not find his keys. They were nowhere to be found in his apartment.

"There they are!" he shouted, out-loud for everyone and no one to hear. Ross had spent much-too-much time alone the last year of his life. He had grown, yes, but he often-times spent too much time talking to himself. It was not a healthy behavior and he knew it. He had hoped that his tendency to talk to himself would fade once he started spending more time with his sister and friends. It would take a while …

'OK, I've got my keys and wallet… I'm ready to go.' He thought. Ross reached for the handle of his apartment door. He squeezed it and began to turn it. As he opened the door he almost had a heart attack … Rachel came flying through the door, her head landing on his chest.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

Collecting her thoughts and breath Rachel gently pushed Ross away and looked up to meet his eyes …

"Uh … the phone message you took … I, I just wanted to thank you for taking it down for me."

"So that's the only reason that you ran over here from Monica's in your heels, pregnant and out of breath?" He asked. He knew that there was more to this than met the eye. He wondered if her pride would get in the way of her telling the truth.

"I, I read the message you left for me … Chandler told me that you were upset about the call! I just wanted to tell you that Jeff is just a co-worker of mine at Ralph Lauren. We aren't dating! He's not my boyfriend! He just called to tell me about a meeting that was scheduled for tomorrow."

'Wow' thought Ross. He hated seeing her like this, all worried and jealous … but jealous of what? They weren't even dating. 'Why is she telling me all of this?' He wondered.

After a few moments Ross closed the door and gently grabbed her arm, asking her to sit down on his couch. Getting her a drink of water he sat down and watched her quench her thirst. He waited, letting her calm down before he asked …

"Rachel, what's this all about? We're friends, right? Please tell me the truth?"

Rachel looked up from her glass with hints of regret in her eyes. 'Are we really just friends?' she wondered. So many times over the years they had lied to each other, keeping the truth to themselves. She was tired, tired of it all. She was tired of the drama, tired of wanting to be loved. She was tired of being disappointed that things were not as they once were … and might never be again.

Composing herself she responded to his question …

"Listen Ross, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the drama and for bothering you. I didn't mean to upset you … so I better get going. I don't want you to be late for your date."

As she rose from the couch Ross grabbed her arm, not letting her leave. She was curious as to why she was being restrained …

"What?" she asked.

"Who told you that I was going on a date?"

"Chandler. He said that you were going to see your girlfriend … I think he mentioned that her name was Esther. Look, please let me go so that I can go home, OK?"

Ross did his best not to laugh … and not to make it appear that he was laughing at her.

"What's so funny, Geller?" Asked Rachel, starting to get annoyed.

"Nothing." He said, trying to muffle his laughter. "Can I ask you a question before you go?"

"Sure, but first you have to let go of my arm."

Releasing his grip he hoped that she would agree …

"Would you go with me tonight?"

"Go with you … on a date … with another woman?"

"No, I am not going out on a date tonight. Chandler may have stretched the truth a bit. I am going to visit some friends of mine. I wish you would come with me. The food is not that good but the people are priceless."

Rachel considered his invitation. She wanted to spend time with him but something held her back. She wondered why Chandler had lied to her …

"I, I don't know Ross. I don't want to be a third wheel, you know, with your girlfriend and all."

"Rachel, I'm not going out on a date, I promise you. Don't you trust me?"

"Yes, I guess I trust you."

"You guess you trust me?"

"Alright Ross, yes, I trust you!"

"Good, then will you come with me tonight?"

She continued to resist for reasons she couldn't explain …

"I don't know Ross. You are going to visit YOUR friends, not mine. I don't even know these people and they don't know me."

"Rachel, I promise you … you will have a good time. Listen, 50 years from now when you're looking back at your life … don't you want to say that you had the guts to go with me tonight?"

Rachel stood there a bit confused and a bit in awe of the way he had with words. Now she had to go. She needed to know why this was so important to him.

"Alright, I'll go but first I need to go pee."

* * *

A quiet, uneasy silence fell over the pair as they walked slowly along the street. From time-to-time he or she would look aver and smile at each other. There was this uneasiness between them. It was as if they were competing to see who would be the one to ultimately break the ice and start up a conversation. Neither wanted to open their mouth, instead preferring silence.

After a while Rachel became bored with simply walking and decided that she wanted to talk …

"So how much farther do we have to go?"

Surprised by her question he looked over at her and replied "Not far, we're almost there."

Frustrated by a lack of intimacy between them Rachel decided to question him to find out how he was doing. Since their breakup and his subsequent return they hadn't really talked that much … at least about anything that really mattered to her.

"So, how's the show going? You must be really happy and proud of yourself. You have your own television show and you get to travel to all those exotic places and all."

"It's all right I guess." He responded.

"Ross, you've always loved dinosaurs and now you get paid to travel to talk about them. You GUESS it's alright?"

"Rachel, I like my job but it's not what I live for. You're right, I love paleontology and yes, I get paid well to talk about it … but I've learned that there are more things to life then work. What about you and your job … is it everything to you? Do you jump out of bed each morning anticipating just getting to work? Then do you miss it when you leave to go home in the evening?"

"I like my job but no, I do not live to work. I enjoy my free time too."

"I enjoy my time away from work too. I, I …" Replied Ross, before he went silent. He had a look of sadness and regret on his face.

"What?" she asked.

"Have you ever seemed to have everything … but really had nothing?"

"What do you mean Ross? You have a great job and friends who care about you. What more could you ask for?"

Ross looked over at her, a part of him not believing what he was hearing. He wondered if she was playing some sort of game with him …

"Rachel, don't you miss having a special someone in your life? Don't you miss having someone that makes you want to breathe, that person that makes life worth living?"

Rachel's pace slowed. Inside her heart skipped a beat. She wondered 'Is he talking about me?' She looked over at him and replied "Well, sure I would but the last special person in my life got me pregnant and wanted me to get an abortion. The guy before that, well, he was a great guy but he ended up cheating on me. I forgave him but things still didn't work out."

Pained by her response he crumbled inside. Overwhelmed by guilt and regret over their lost love he quieted and lowered his head. Rachel on the other hand saw this as a chance to say what needed to be said. She needed some closure …

"You know Ross, you seemed to get over our relationship quickly and easily. It seemed like you didn't really care that much."

Rachel's openness surprised him. His head shot up and his jaw dropped open in astonishment. A part of him wanted to lash out at her for her callous statement. 'How could she even think that' he wondered. Ross opened his mouth hoping to utter just the right combination of carefully chosen words …

"Breaking up with you was the most difficult thing that I've ever had to go through." He replied.

"Really?" She asked. "You covered it up so well. At times you really didn't seem too bothered by our breakup at all."

Ross stopped walking. It took her a few seconds to realize that he was no longer beside him. When she finally realized that he was no longer there she stopped and turned to face him. He had a secret to tell her …

"Rachel, our breakup killed me. The reason I didn't show it was because I've already experienced a lifetime of painful breakups with you."

"What do you mean?" She asked. "We've only broken up once."

"Rach, would you have gone out with me back when we were in high school or college?"

"I don't know … probably I guess."

"Rach, you know that's not true. You know that you would never have gone out with me. I was a nerd and you were the popular girl that every guy wanted to date. The only reason you even hung out or talked to me was because your best friend was my sister."

"Well …" She replied, not wanting to believe that it could be true. She knew that he was right, she just didn't want to accept the fact that she had lost so many opportunities to be with him …

"Rach, I had this huge crush on a girl who barely knew I existed. It lasted for years until one day I fell in love with her. Consider the pain I felt knowing she was out of my league, that she wouldn't consider me boyfriend material. Now imagine having to see this girl over-and-over again, each time with a guy that was nowhere good enough for her. Imagine wanting to be with her … knowing she would turn me down. You find yourself petrified with a fear of rejection … so you never ask her out, you just watch and wonder how things might have been. You spend a lot of your time alone and in pain. After a while you become numb to it all."

And then Ross summed it all up for her …

"I guess the years of wanting you so much led me to believe that I would never actually have the chance to be with you. When we broke up I wasn't all that surprised it happened."

"Wow." Is all she could say. Unable to speak, Rachel grabbed a tissue from her purse as a tear fell from her eye. "I, I … I don't know how to respond to that."

"I'm not asking you to, I'm telling you how I felt. Rach, do you remember back right after I made the list of your good and bad qualities … you told me to accept the fact that we were never going to happen. It didn't take me long to start believing it. If it weren't for the prom video we would never have started dating."

The pair just stood there for a minute, trying to re-compose themselves. Ross was the first to speak …

"Look Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

After drying her eyes she responded …

"It's alright. I was the one who asked the question. I wanted some answers and I got them. I thought I was prepared to hear what you had to say. I guess I was wrong."

Another moment of silence fell over the pair as they resumed their walk down the street, slowly. As they walked Rachel started to wish that she had changed out of her heels when she had gotten back from work. Her feet were killing her …

"Owww."

"What's wrong, Rach?"

"My feet are getting sore from all this walking. How much farther do we have to go, Geller?"

Ross stopped and directed her attention to the imposing building standing before them.

"We're here."


	23. The House of Love

This chapter was originally planned to be one stand-alone chapter but as I wrote it I could see that I would have to split it in two. Even at that this has become the longest chapter to-date and much longer then I had hoped. The second half of this (chapter 24) will be published within the next week or so when I finish it. Because of having to split the chapter the story will end up being at least 27 chapters. I hope that you enjoy "The House of Love".

Please review and comment ...

* * *

Chapter 23 – The House of Love

The building was dark and drab, the interior unremarkable. The interior was clean, modestly decorated and smelled of cleaning chemicals. As the pair walked through the lobby Ross caught the eye of an attendant at the front desk …

"Good evening Dr. Geller. It's been a long time since your last visit. How have you been?"

"Hey Joan, yes, it's been a long time. I've been busy … but that's no excuse for my absence. I came to spend some time with the gang and to see Ari and Esther."

At that moment the attendant's face changed dramatically. Sadness filled her eyes. Her smile disappeared as she raised her hand to her mouth. Both Ross and Rachel noticed her mood change almost immediately …

"Joan, what's wrong?" asked Ross.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong. How long has it been since your last visit?"

"Probably close to four months I guess. Is something wrong?"

"Dr. Geller, why don't you go into the dining room … Esther is in there with her friends. She can explain."

Ross had a feeling that something was wrong. He turned and started walking swiftly towards the dining room with Rachel following behind, trying to keep up. Bursting through the door he was greeted with smiles and waves from most in attendance, at least the ones who knew or could remember him. Spotting Esther he walked over to greet his friend …

"Ross, it's been so long. How have you been?"

"I've been well." Replied Ross as he bent down to hug her. "I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while, how have you been?"

"I'm doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances."

"What do you mean? What circumstances?"

"Oh no, you don't know, do you?"

"Know what Esther? By the way, where's Ari?"

Esther looked down and then back up at Ross. Noticing Rachel she stared at her for a moment and then smiled, earning a smile in return.

Rachel knew. She could see it in Esther's eyes. Ross on the other hand had no idea what to think. It was like he was blind.

"Ross, please sit here next to me. I need to tell you something." asked Esther as she patted the seat next to her.

Complying with her request Ross sat down, not taking his eyes off of hers. Feeling his stare Esther tried to find a way to relieve the pressure of telling him. She decided to be polite and ask about Ross's friend …

"Oh, I've been so rude. Ross, who is your friend? We've never met before. Please introduce us." She asked.

As if brought out of a spell Ross replied … "Oh, I'm sorry. Esther, this is my friend Rachel; Rachel this is Esther."

"Hello." Replied each to the other before Esther again took over the conversation. "Rachel, please sit down and make yourself comfortable. Dinner will be served in a little while. I hope you can stay and eat with us."

Rachel could feel the nervousness in her voice. She knew what she had to tell Ross would not be easy. She slowly sat down in a chair next to Esther and put her hand on her arm, letting her know that she was there to help, if need be. Esther then turned towards Ross, took his hand and prepared to answer his question …

"Ross, you haven't visited for a long time. While you were gone my husband got sick and died. His funeral was two months ago. I'm sorry …"

"Ari's dead?" asked Ross in disbelief.

"Yes, he's gone but I want you to know that one of the things he enjoyed the most was watching your show on the Discovery Channel. He would always point his finger at the TV and boast that you were his friend." Esther paused before saying one last thing … "Ross, he's gone, he's at peace. He's not sick or in pain anymore. He's free …"

Ross bowed his head and gave Esther another hug. Then he moved to whisper into her ear "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you." before giving her another hug. Releasing her he sat back up and wiped a small tear from his eye. Esther too wiped a tear and blew her nose. Looking around at Rachel and then again at Ross she spoke …

"Ross, why don't you go ahead and say hello to all your friends while Rachel and I become better acquainted."

Ross looked at Esther and then over at Rachel, asking her with his eyes if she would be OK. Esther spotted this and interjected …

"Ross, she will be fine with me, we're just going to sit and talk … you know, get to know each other."

"Alright." Replied Ross as he got to his feet and began to mingle with the other residents of the home. Both Esther and Rachel watched as Ross walked away. They could tell that he was still shaken from the horrible news. After a short pause Esther turned towards Rachel and looked her over again before giving her a wide smile. Rachel was the first to speak …

"So how did you and Ross meet, Esther."

"Hmm, now that's a funny story. Ross was a volunteer for one of those outreach programs, you know, where volunteers go out and help the less fortunate. Well, apparently Ross had volunteered to come here and talk about the museum and science in general. The first time he came he had a small crowd to talk to but his audience grew every time he visited."

"Why do you think that was?" asked Rachel.

"A lot of us have problems falling asleep. Ross's lectures were so boring that it helped us fall asleep faster." Replied Esther as both broke down in laughter. After recovering from their bout of mirth it was Esther who asked the question …

"So Rachel, are you Ross's girlfriend?"

As much as she wanted to say yes she couldn't … "No, we're just friends. I've been friends with his sister for a long time."

"Oh, you're a friend of Monica's?"

"Yes but how do you know her? Have you met before?"

"Yes, just once. Ross dragged her along for a visit a long time ago. All she could talk about was this guy she was dating. What was his name? Let me see. I think it was Charles or something like that."

"Esther, could it have been Chandler?"

"It could have been. My memory is not what it used to be. Some things from 50 years ago I remember while I forget things that happened yesterday." replied Esther as they both started giggling. An uneasy quiet fell upon them as they each thought for subject to talk about. Rachel was the first to speak, hoping that Esther wouldn't mind talking about the past …

"So Esther, how long were you and your husband married?"

A look of sadness returned to Esther's face as her mind filled with memories of her departed husband. Rachel, seeing this tried to apologize …

"Esther, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"It's alright dear, I don't want to forget about him. I don't want to forget about the life we shared together." After a few moments of contemplation, Esther answered Rachel's question …

"We were married 52 years I think."

"Wow, 52 years. That's incredible. You don't see many couples stay together that long these days. Where did you meet?"

"Let me see …" replied Esther before remembering … "We met during the war in Vilnius. The Germans invaded our country in June of 1941. I was barely 18 at the time and was scared for my family's safety. During the war the Germans threw us into a ghetto where I survived until the Soviets liberated us in 1944. That was a horrible time for me. I lost most of my family from disease and starvation."

Awestruck, Rachel could just sit and stare at Esther with her mouth open, getting out an occasional "wow".

"Rachel, I also have happy memories too. I met my husband there. His entire family had been killed and he was living alone. He was only 19 at the time. He spent all his time searching for food and would give most everything he found to me. He kept me alive but it wasn't just with food … it was his love that stopped me from giving up. He told me that he loved me. He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he would do anything it took to keep me alive. He did that and so much more for me. After the war we moved to England to escape the Russians. Later we emigrated here. Once we got settled in he proposed and in 1946 we got married."

Again Rachel didn't know what to say, her own problems seemed so insignificant. She imagined all the turmoil that Esther had lived through … and survived.

"Rachel … Rachel …" asked Esther.

Woken from her daydream Rachel responded "Huh?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm alright, it's just that I can't believe what you've been through. It puts all my problems in perspective. You know, makes them seem awfully small."

"Those were tough times but love got me through them."

At that point dinner was served. The food was plain and unremarkable. It was a retirement home after all but food was the last thing on Esther's mind …

"Rachel, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, go ahead." Replied Rachel.

Esther turned away and looked at Ross who was playing cards with some of the residents across the room.

"Tell me about him." She asked as she nodded her head towards Ross.

"Tell you what about him?" asked Rachel.

"Rachel, why does a handsome, intelligent young man spend his time with a bunch of old people? He has nothing better to do with his time? My own family is too busy to come and visit me … yet the good Dr. Geller has the time to visit a woman he's known for less than at year? He should be out having a good time, dating, falling in love and finding a wife. You've known Ross for a lot longer than I have. What's wrong with him?"

Rachel didn't know what to say except to try to get her to talk directly to Ross. She had no desire to gossip about him …

"Esther, why don't you ask Ross? He should tell you."

Esther was quick to reply "Oh, but he won't. I ask him every time he visits but the only thing he's ever told me was that it was his fault, whatever "it" was. He told me that he had broken up with a girl that he had been in love with forever and that he had finally got the chance to date her but it didn't last. It's the look on his face … it leads me to believe that he feels that he made a horrible mistake that caused their breakup. It's like he feels this terrible guilt that he killed something very precious. I just can't figure it out … I was hoping that you could help.

Rachel looked down with a look of real sadness on her face. She started to cry, silently as she turned away from Esther. She did not want her to see her tears. Esther noted the change in her mood and immediately reached over and grabbed her, hugging her tightly.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

Nothing was said … just silence and an occasional sob from Rachel.

And then it hit her …

"Oh no … it's you isn't it?"

Rachel didn't answer. It took everything she had just to keep it together.

"It is you! I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I was just trying to understand, that's all."

Slowly Rachel raised her head and looked at Esther. Esther handed her a tissue. Taking it, Rachel dried her eyes and pulled out a compact to attempt to clean up her makeup. After taking a few moments to compose herself she turned to face Esther …

"Esther, it's alright, you didn't know." Rachel then turned to make sure that Ross was still playing cards before she began to tell Esther their story …

"Yes, it's me. A few years ago I was getting married to a man I didn't love. I ran out of the wedding and came to live with Monica in the Village. There I made the best friends I could ever imagine having. They took me in and supported me. Ross was one of those friends … my best friend. A year later I found out that he was in love with me … and everything changed. We had a few rough spots before we started dating but eventually it happened. It was the best year of my life. At about our one year anniversary things started getting so bad that I told him we needed to take a break."

Rachel lowered her head a bit and stopped. The sadness was overwhelming. Esther was fully engaged in every word she said. When Rachel stopped talking she immediately jumped in with a "But then what happened?" Eventually Rachel was able to continue …

"That same night that I asked for a break … well, he got really drunk and slept with another woman."

"Ross cheated on you? I can't believe that he would do that to you!"

"Yes, he did. I found out about it the next day. Over the next few weeks we argued all the time. We could hardly be in the same room together. I was so angry at him for cheating. He would always respond with "We were on a break!" About a month or so after that he left me, his sister and all his friends and moved to another part of the city."

Esther listened intently to every word. When she was sure that Rachel had finished she gently took her hand and rubbed it …

"I'm so sorry dear. Never in a million years would I have dreamt that this was the source of Ross's pain. I can see it all now. It makes perfect sense. This explains the look on his face." Esther had another question for her new friend. She knew the answer, she just wanted to hear it from Rachel …

"You still love him, don't you?"

Rachel looked up from Esther's hands and replied "Yes, I do. I may have been angry at him but I never stopped loving him."

"Do you forgive him?" asked Esther.

"Yes, I forgave him months ago but he told me that he can't forgive himself."

To Esther all the pieces had fallen into place, except for one. She was confused. If it were not for the tears and guilt they seemed to be a happy couple. But then there was the matter of the baby …

"When are you due?"

"Due? What do you mean?" replied Rachel, knowing exactly what she meant. She was just too shocked to acknowledge that she was right. She figured that Ross had told his friend of her pregnancy.

"Your baby, when is it due?" asked Esther.

"Esther, how do you know that I'm pregnant, did Ross tell you?"

"Dear, no, Ross did not tell me. I was a midwife and a nurse for over 30 years … I can tell just by looking at you. Everything I see tells me that you are pregnant. So when are you due?"

"My due date is in 6 months."

Esther then turned her head to look back over at Ross who was still playing cards. "Is he the father?"

Rachel's sadness re-appeared. Esther had her answer. "Does the baby's father know about the pregnancy?"

Rachel sighed. She lifted her hand and brushed it through her hair, a sure sign of the discomfort that she felt talking about Mark …

"Yes, he knows but he wants nothing to do with my baby. He even asked me to abort it."

"No!" exhorted Esther. "He didn't, did he?"

"Yes. He felt that a baby would cramp his lifestyle … so we broke up."

"Well good for you! A baby is a gift from God. I'm so sorry you were put in that jam … having to choose between your baby and a man. You made the right choice."

Again Rachel sighed, this time much deeper. "I know it's just that I'm alone now with no one by my side. I'm really scared. I thought that when I had children I would be happily married to a man I loved."

"I can understand that you are scared … but you're not alone. You told me about your wonderful friends and about your one-time best friend playing cards at the table over there." Replied Esther as she pointed towards Ross. "It looks like you have a good support group."

"Yeah, I guess." Replied Rachel as she fidgeted in her seat. "But …"

"But you want what you used to have. You want Ross?"

"Yes. I want what every woman wants. I want to be loved. I want to feel secure. I want someone to take care of me as I get closer to the baby's due date." And then Rachel told her what she really wanted. "I just want to be happy. Ross is the only man I've ever loved."

"What about Ross? You love him and he obviously loves you."

"Ross just wants to be friends. He told me that he feels too guilty about our breakup to start something up with me again."

At that moment one of the attendants entered and announced that the dining room would be closing in fifteen minutes. Esther heard this and realized that her time with Rachel was short. She had to give Rachel hope with carefully chosen words … and she only had five minutes to do it. Quickly she looked over at Ross to find him gathering up the cards that they were playing with. Knowing that he would soon come over she quickly turned towards her and again grabbed her hands, tightly. Rachel feeling Esther's grip intensify looked up towards her. Esther had her full attention …

"Rachel, listen, we don't have much time left. Please don't give up hope. Ross still loves you, I can tell. I know that you want Ross but please be patient. You've forgiven him … now he has to forgive himself. At that point he will give himself permission to be happy again. None of us can be truly happy unless we allow ourselves to be. He's just not ready yet. Be his friend. Allow him to help you if he wishes. Wait for him if you can …"

"Wait for who?" asked Ross as he returned from playing cards.

"We're waiting for the attendant to throw us out of here, that's what we are waiting for." Replied Esther, unable to think of anything else to say to cover her true meaning.

Ross smiled at Esther and then turned towards Rachel …

"Did you have a good time?"

Rachel beamed before replying "I had a great time."

"I knew you would." Replied Ross. He was curious as to what they had been talking about. They were, after all women … and women love to talk and share. He had learned this lesson painfully when Janice had told Rachel about him telling him of his "hug and roll" technique when he and Rachel were dating.

"So, what did you girls talk about?"

"Oh nothing it was just girl-talk. You wouldn't be interested." Replied Esther.

Ross then turned towards Rachel, looking into her eyes. He could tell that they had indeed been talking about him, about them. Rachel lowered her eyes. She had said too much already. Ross found himself conflicted. He really wanted to tell Rachel how he felt about her … but he couldn't. Instead, in a rare moment of honesty and sincerity he blared out their truth. Turning towards Esther he spoke …

"Esther, Rachel is the one, the girl I hurt. I've been in love with her for so long I can't remember. As much as I've loved her I've hurt her badly too. There was Julie, the list and then I cheated on her on our anniversary. With all of the hurt that I've cause her … what does she see in me?"

Rachel moved to interject before being cut off by Esther …

"Ross, can't you give yourself a break? Yes, Rachel told me what happened but she forgave you. The world can be a cruel place, so brutal and without pity . Why do you have to be so cruel to yourself? Do you realize what this is doing to her?"

"I do." He replied. "I want nothing more in this world than for her to be happy. If I push her away it will hurt her. If I stay with her I will hurt her again, I know it, just like I did before. I'll do something stupid and ruin it all over again!"

Esther turned towards Rachel, who seemed a bit relieved that the truth could be so openly discussed. She then turned back towards Ross and replied "Ross, Rachel is an adult. Don't you think that she's capable of making her own decisions? Don't you think that she's able to make the decision to accept the risk herself?"

"She is." Replied Ross, "But …"

Esther interrupted him … for the last time …

"Ross, to live is to risk dying. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To try at all is to risk failure. But to risk we must because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing!"

Unable to respond to his friend's words Ross offered Rachel his hand and helped her to her feet. The pair then helped Esther to her room and said their goodbyes.

As the pair left the home and walked out into the blackness it was all they could do to keep their feet moving. Their minds were filled with the thoughts and words and emotions of their visit to the House of Love.


	24. Three Weeks

**Here is Chapter 24 of my story. I hope you enjoy it. This is the second half to Chapter 23. This is for dmtennis1, who for some reason actually enjoys reading my crap. Please read and review as you see fit.  
**

* * *

Chapter 24 - Three Weeks

A curtain of darkness surrounded them as they made their way home through the night, the blackness being pierced only by an occasional streetlamp. Their pace was slow and deliberate. They were tired and wanted to get home to their respective apartments. Their eyes looked downwards as they considered all that had happened that night. So much had been said, so much had been shared; each felt that something had changed between them.

Onward they strove down the sidewalk and through each intersection until they reached Washington Square Park. Rachel wanted to talk to Ross but for some reason lacked either the will or courage to start a conversation. Instead of talking she slowed her pace which allowed Ross to take the lead in front of her. She had expected him to note that he had out-paced her but he was deeply in thought and failed to notice that he had left her behind. Instead of slowing down he just kept walking, pensively. Rachel, surprised and annoyed that he seemed oblivious to her absence decided that she needed to take action. She scuffed her heels on the pavement as she walked, trying to make as much noise as possible. Finally, after at least a dozen attempts he finally took notice. Turning, he stopped and looked back at her …

"Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to leave you behind. What's wrong? Do your feet hurt or something?"

Woman's intuition, clairvoyance or just a gut feeling, that's all she had but she felt that for better or for worse things were soon going to change between them. Rachel could have replied with a simple "nothing" and went home to bed but then she imagined all the unanswered questions that would be the legacy of their evening … all those questions with no answers. She'd lie in bed staring up at her ceiling wondering, wondering what it all meant. She didn't want that anymore. She wanted to build upon their new-found openness and honesty …

"What do you think about what Esther said, you know, about you and me?" she asked.

Ross took no time at all to answer … he had been thinking about nothing else since they left the home …

"I think she's right. I think I need to take it a little easier on myself and I need to trust you to make the right decisions for yourself."

Before Rachel could respond he blurted out one other thing he had been thinking about …

"And I need to stop focusing so much on the bad things that happened between us … and start remembering the good times too."

Rachel found herself surprised by his comment. It had been a long time since she had heard him say anything positive about their past. He had spent so much time and energy dwelling on the things that had caused their breakup and of the hurt that he had ultimately caused her. She was curious. Yes, they had created many memories together … she was interested in knowing what they had really meant to him.

"What is your fondest memory of our year together?"

Ross pondered her question. He had so many good memories of that year. He thought and thought but could not come up with just one answer. Rachel, getting impatient, asked again …

"Come on Ross, we dated for a year. You've got to have at least one good memory from that time!"

Ross found himself a bit disappointed by her outburst. 'What does she think of me … that I never cared or that I've forgotten it all?' he thought.

"Actually Rachel, I don't have one favorite memory … I have three."

"Three? Well, what are they?" she asked.

"The first is our first kiss at Central Perk; the second is the kiss you gave me right after you watched the prom video; the third is the first time you told me that you loved me."

Rachel's eyes squinted a bit from the pain of reliving those wonderful memories. She looked down and remembered. Ross, wanting to apologize for saddening her but decided against it. After all, she had asked, she had gotten her answer.

After a few moments Rachel looked up at him and replied "You know, I remember that day."

"Which one?" asked Ross.

"The first time we said "I love you" to each other. You had Ben that day so you brought him into Central Perk. Remember, I didn't even know how to hold him? I held him like a football."

"I remember." replied Ross, a slight smile forming on his face. The air about them filled with emotion.

"Then you told me that you had been thinking of what it would be like when we had our own children."

"I had even been picking out children's names from a book, remember?" he asked.

"Oh, I remember. You scared the hell out of me. I ran out of Central Perk and up to my apartment."

"And then I came up, we talked and we said "I love you" for the first time."

"I remember. You know Ross, while we were dating … we didn't say that to each other enough."

"I know. I held back …"

"Why?" asked Rachel, curious as to why he had held his love back.

"Because." He replied as he looked away.

"Ross, please tell me … why?"

"Because I truthfully thought that you would never love me as much as I loved you. I didn't want to smother you. I didn't want to lose you."

Rachel's eyes widened and she swallowed hard. She didn't know what to say. Ross continued …

"Rachel, the only thing that I've ever wanted was to be whole, to be needed by someone as much as I needed them. The first time in my life that I felt whole was when I was with you. I was with Carol for 8 years and I loved her … but I was never whole, then she find out that she was a lesbian and my world crumbled. Do you know what it's like for a man to lose his wife to another woman? It took a while but things got better once you came back into my life."

A minute of palpable silence came between them as they looked away from each other, trying to recover from the openness that they had shared. For some reason Rachel felt cheated. Ross had been her best friend and then the only man she had ever loved. She lamented the fact that it had taken this long for them to finally open up to one another. In a poorly timed attempt to add some levity to the situation, Rachel took a jab at Ross, hoping that he would laugh …

"Well, at least you got a chance to sleep with the "hot" girl that Joey and Chandler kept talking about. Heck, they went all goo-goo over her and didn't even get to date her."

Ross turned towards Rachel with hostile intent in his eyes, surprising her. He glared at her as his eyes pierced hers. Seeing that she had hit a tender nerve she quickly attempted to recover from her mistake …

"Look Ross I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It was just a joke."

His glare softened slightly as he responded …

"Rachel, I don't find your joke to be funny at all. I lost everything that night. I still remember the look on your face the next day when you found out. You were devastated …"

"Look Ross, I'm sorry, OK? It's in the past."

"Sure, that's easy for you to say, you don't know the irony …"

"What irony? What are you talking about?"

"After you suggested that we go on a break I left your apartment and went to meet Joey and Chandler at the Philly. Chloe was there and she started hitting on me but I tried to ignore her. All I wanted to do was drink and forget. Later, when I called you and heard Mark … I gave up. I started dancing with her and got really drunk … so drunk that I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything that happened after leaving the Philly. I woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover and with Chloe coming out of my bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head."

"Wow." she replied, "You don't even remember …"

Knowing what she was referring to he interjected, finally putting the subject to rest …

"No, I don't even remember sleeping with her."

Another period of deafening silence fell upon them as they tried to find something less-sensitive to talk about. It was Ross who decided to change the subject …

"Have you been thinking of what you want to name the baby?"

Rachel closed her mouth and ran her hands through her hair. "It's getting cold." She replied, not really wanting to talk about it. Taking off his jacket he placed it over her shoulders and took her hand.

"Well then, let's get you home." He replied.

The pair resumed their walk towards her apartment, only a few blocks away. As they walked Ross felt the urge to ask a question that had been on his mind for some time. He had wanted to be friends but he wondered if his question might take the friendship too far. Talking about their feelings had never been easy for them …

"Rach." He asked as he looked over at her.

"Yeah?" She replied as she met his eyes with hers.

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"I wanted to know if you'd let me be involved with the baby. I could take you to some of your doctor's appointments, I could be your Lamaze partner and teach you how to take care of the baby when it's born."

Rachel stopped walking, causing him to stop as well. Perhaps it was his words, her hormones or a combination of the two. Whatever it was it possessed every fiber of her being. At that moment she would have kissed him with everything she had and created a new memory with him. Instead, she let go of his hand and leaned up against the building, facing away from him. Wiping away a happy tear she turned towards him and replied …

"Ross, why would you want to have anything to do with Mark's baby?"

Ross, a bit puzzled by her question replied "What are you talking about, Rachel? The baby is not his, it's yours."

"But Mark is the father. Why would you want to be reminded of him every time you looked at it?"

"Rachel, it's your baby. Mark was given a great gift when you got pregnant but he gave up that gift when he told you to abort you baby. He decided at that moment that he didn't want the privilege of being a father. I hope the baby is a girl, I'm sure it will be just as beautiful as you are."

She wasn't prepared for his selfless act of kindness. She had assumed that she would be having the baby alone. Ross waited for a response from Rachel but got none. Growing impatient he asked again …

"Well, can I?"

"But why?" she asked, again.

"Rachel, I'd like to help because babies need to be surrounded by love. They bring so much joy into the world. So can I?"

Defeated, she still couldn't comprehend why he would want anything to do with her baby. She had assumed that Ross would loathe the baby because of Mark. She found the opposite to be true …

"Sure." She replied, a bit reluctantly.

Relieved, Ross sighed and re-grasped her hand, wearing a wide smile the whole time. Finally arriving at her apartment building he escorted her up to Apartment 20. It had been a long time since they had found themselves standing by her door, holding hands. To a stranger they looked like a happy couple coming home from a great first date. As Rachel released his hand she reached into her purse and pulled out her keys. Looking back up towards Ross she spoke …

"Um, would you like to come in?"

Ross felt euphoric. To him it was a perfect ending to a perfect date, a date with the woman his heart had chosen for him. He considered the consequences of accepting her invitation and the lateness of the hour. He wasn't prepared for what might happen …

"Thanks Rachel but it's getting late. I've got a very long day tomorrow and I need to get some sleep."

Clearly disappointed, Rachel replied "Oh, sure. I understand. Thanks for taking me to visit your friends. I had a great time."

Preparing to leave Ross turned slightly before turning back towards her. He had one more question to ask …

"Rachel, would you do me another favor?"

"You want another favor? Geller, you sure know how to impose on a body don't you." She replied, jokingly. "Sure, what is it?"

Smiling, Ross reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Fumbling through it he finally found what he was looking for. Curious, Rachel wondered what this was all about.

"Here, take this."

Focusing on an object in his hand, she replied "What do you want me to do with your credit card?"

"Please take it. I want you to go baby shopping and buy everything that you'll need. Take Monica and Phoebe with you and take them to lunch on me. I … I didn't tell you but …"

Concerned, Rachel interrupted …"What, what didn't you tell me?"

"I have to fly to Peru tomorrow. I'm under contract to do a special for the Discovery Channel and I'll be out of the country for three weeks."

"Oh." replied Rachel, again clearly disappointed.

"Rachel, it would make me so happy if you let me help you get ready for the baby. Talk to Monica and Phoebe, they'll know what you'll need. Please take it."

Rachel was never one to turn down a free shopping spree, even if it was just for her baby. She smiled and reached for the credit card. Grasping it she tried to pull it from his hands but he refused to let it go. Looking up at him he smiled and replied "Don't forget to buy yourself a new outfit or pair of shoes when you're done shopping for the baby."

Taking the card she smiled and asked "Really?"

"Yes, just make sure you buy the baby stuff first, promise?

Smiling, Rachel took the card and filed it within her purse. Looking up she smiled at him and replied "I promise."

As Ross turned to leave he said his goodbye …

"Good night Rachel. I'll see you in three weeks. Take care of yourself, OK?"

"I will Ross. Come home safe, OK?"

"I'll try."

And at that the pair stood there, not knowing really how to end the evening. When they were dating it would have ended with at least a kiss … or something more. Ross, feeling uncomfortable decided it was time to leave but before he could move Rachel threw her arms around him and hugged him forcefully, burying her head into his chest. Ross, taken by surprise, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed gently. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled deeply, trying to remember what she smelled like. Then Ross did something he hadn't done in a long time and thought he never would again, he kissed her on the top of her head as he let her go …

"I'll be back in three weeks …"


	25. So close

**I had originally planned this as one whole chapter but I've decided to split it in two for dramatic effect. The 2nd part will come in just a few days. The song lyrics included in this chapter were performed by Jon McLaughlin for the movie "Enchanted". When I first heard the song I could think of it applying to only one (fictional) couple. You know who ...**

**Please, if you get the chance listen again and read this. It's almost a perfect fit ...**

* * *

At that moment in time she felt so many things ranging from sadness to euphoria and everything in-between. Everything changed that day at the moment she heard the news. Her life would never be the same again.

Rachel became lightheaded, caused by her pregnancy and of learning of the news. She started hyperventilating. A few tears dropped from her eyes as she started to panic. She needed to get there. She didn't want to be late …

"Please, can you go any faster?"

"I'm sorry miss but its rush hour. The traffic is really bad through the tunnel." replied the cab driver.

"Is there any way you can get there faster? Maybe you can try another way."

"This is the most direct route to LaGuardia. Just sit back and relax. My guess is that it'll take half an hour to get there."

His estimate was unacceptable to her. The stakes were too great for her to be delayed.

"Half an hour? The flight arrives in forty five minutes. I've got to be there on time!"

"Miss, unless you catch a helicopter to the airport … it will take as long as it takes." replied the driver, becoming frustrated with her lack of patience.

Looking down at her watch Rachel huffed and then sighed as she threw her back against her seat. She placed her hands on her stomach, hoping to feel her unborn child. As she stared out the window she hoped that the cab driver was wrong. She had to be there before his plane arrived. She had a strange, inescapable feeling that her future depended on it …

* * *

As the cab pulled up to the curb at arriving flights Rachel tossed some bills at the driver and exited the cab, forgetting to shut the door. Running into the terminal she glanced at her watch to find that she was late, fifteen minutes past his scheduled arrival time. Panicking, she scanned the building for him. Unable to make him out in the mass of humanity that was moving through the terminal she walked over to a huge computerized board used to update arrival and departure times. She scanned the flights for his, finally finding it.

"His flight is late! I can still get to the gate on-time!" she squealed as the others around her stared, confused. Of all the people there, she was the only one that was happy a flight had been delayed.

'Why did I have to wear my heels?' she asked herself as she strode briskly to the gate. She was four months pregnant now and was starting to show. Neither the baby nor her heels would deter her …

* * *

Sitting at the gate Rachel found it ironic that she had, for the last few hours made herself sick worrying about getting there on-time … only to find out that she would end up being early, with time to spare. Arriving at his arrival gate she looked about for a place to sit. She had been on her feet for a long time and her feet wore killing her. Finding a seat between two overly large people she sat and took off each shoe, rubbing the soreness out of each foot. Sitting in her seat she fidgeted, trying to get comfortable. Growing anxious she glanced around the gate area at the people waiting for loved-ones to arrive as well as travelers waiting for the flight to arrive to take them to their own destinations. Rachel looked down at her watch and wondered. He would be there any moment and she would tell him. She wondered how would he take the news. Would it change things between them? Would they finally reach that happy ending that she always dreamt about when she was a little girl?

But … would it be too hard for him to take?

**_You're in my arms_**

**_And all the world is calm_**

**_The music playing on for only two_**

**_So close together_**

**_And when I'm with you_**

**_So close to feeling alive_**

Rachel grew ever nervous anticipating his return. Reaching into her purse she searched for a piece of chewing gum to help with her anxiety. Instead, she came across a prescription bottle. Picking up the bottle she opened it she took two pills, swallowing them. Closing the bottle she smiled as she considered her future possibilities. Putting her prenatal vitamins away she hoped that he would be proud of her. Monica, Phoebe and herself had indeed gone shopping … storing the entire lot at his apartment for him to see. He had told her to buy something for herself …she wore the dress that she bought with his credit card. She had bought it just for him …

"_American Airlines flight 809 from Miami now arriving at gate 17"_ blared the airport intercom.

_**A life goes by **_

_**Romantic dreams will stop**_

_**So I bid mine goodbye and never knew**_

_**So close was waiting, waiting here with you**_

_**And now forever I know**_

_**All that I wanted to hold you**_

_**So close**_

Rachel jumped to her feet. She was too nervous and excited to sit any longer. She walked toward the arrival doorway as the gate attendant opened it in anticipation of the arriving jet. People stood everywhere blocking her from getting too close. As the first passenger disembarked through the doorway she stood on her tip-toes, trying to get a look.

It wasn't him.

Rachel repeated this process many times until her calves grew sore. As the crowd thinned she finally saw him …

Finally.

_**So close to reaching that famous happy end**_

_**Almost believing this was not pretend**_

_**And now you're beside me and look how far we've come**_

_**So far we are so close**_

Finally she saw him. Excited, Rachel started moving towards him, making her way around those in her way. Closer and closer she walked … until she noticed that he wasn't alone.

She stopped, dropping her purse to her side.

He wasn't alone …

It was a different airport, 3 years ago and China … all over again.

She was in shock. She had so much to share with him, but no, it couldn't be … 'Another one?' she asked herself, finding it hard to believe even her own eyes. Coming to her senses she gingerly moved out of his path and sat down on a seat so that she could watch them discretely.

She watched as they came off the jet-way. Ross looked so handsome, wearing a slight beard. She guessed that he hadn't shaved in days. It made him look rugged. Her heart swelled with a yearning she could hardly control. Rachel wanted to run to his side to tell him … but she couldn't. He wasn't alone. As Ross moved to the side she got a better look at her. His new girlfriend was pretty … in a science-geek sort of way. She was tall and relatively thin with red hair and a radiant completion. She looked older then Ross.

They seemed happy …

Rachel fought back the tears, unsuccessfully. Tears poured from her eyes as she tried to stop the flood. She felt that fate had played yet another cruel and painful joke on her. The future she had hoped for melted away as her tears fell. Whenever they had a chance to be together … someone always seemed to get in the way.

Wiping away the tears she stared in disbelief.

And then he kissed her …

_**How could I face the faceless days**_

_**If I should lose you now?**_

_**We're so close**_

_**To reaching that famous happy end**_

_**And almost believing this was not pretend**_

_**Let's go on dreaming for we know we are**_

_**So close **_

_**So close**_

_**And still so far**_

* * *

**If you get the chance please review. I have only a few more chapters to go. We're almost there ...**

**Where? you ask. That famous happy end.**


	26. The Voice of Reason

**I appologize for the delay. I had intended to post this chapter sooner ... but I read it and found it to be crap ... so I had to rewrite certain parts of it. What follows is the longest chapter that I've posted to-date in this story. I was amazed to find out how long it was when my fingers were finished on my keyboard.**

**I hope you enjoy this ... we are are very close to the end. Only two or three chapters left. Please let me know what you think ...**

* * *

Devastated …

That's how Rachel felt. She lowered her head into her hands, trying to hide her grief from the world. At that moment she wished she could have curled up into a ball and died. She was so embarrassed, coming to meet him again … only to find him with someone else. It was Julie all over again. She was truly alone now. Ross had a new girlfriend; there was no room left for her at his side. She asked herself if she could still be his friend … even if she had to see him with someone else.

No.

Ross was the only man she had ever loved. She couldn't play this game any more … seeing him with another woman and pretending that it didn't matter, pretending that everything was fine.

It wasn't fine. Nothing in her life was fine.

She was in love with her ex-boyfriend who had a new girlfriend. To top it off she was pregnant with another ex-boyfriend's baby …the guy that had been instrumental in causing their breakup. It was a sad story best reserved for a cheap romance novel.

But it was true. It was her life ...

* * *

Ross and the woman started walking, leaving the gate. Rachel watched as they started moving in her direction. She glanced around and figured that they would have to walk uncomfortably close to where she was currently sitting to leave the gate area. Rachel slouched in her seat and placed her purse close to her face, trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. As they approached it looked like she would escape their notice … that was until the child seated behind her started screaming at his brother …

"_Bobby, give me back my Gameboy!"_

'Damn it!' she thought as Ross turned towards the screaming child.

… And then he saw her.

Surprised, Ross walked over to Rachel, leaving his companion behind.

"Rachel, what are you doing here?"

Putting her purse down and sitting up straight she looked up at him. Rachel, feeling overly uncomfortable and embarrassed didn't want to answer. After a few moments of thought she resigned herself to the inevitable. There was no way out. She would try her best to be polite and act like it didn't matter. But it did matter. It was her hopes and dreams that were being destroyed before her. Her future seemed so bleak.

It was the quickest way to get the hell out of there …

"I, I came to meet you. You've been gone for a long time." She replied as she tried to smile. She was dying inside. Another girl, another lost opportunity.

Rachel looked over at the woman and then up again at Ross. Ross, coming to his senses, called over to his companion so he could introduce them.

Rachel's perception of time slowed. She watched as the woman acknowledged Ross, picked up her things and started walking towards them. As she arrived Rachel prepared herself to hear the news, the news that they were together and happy and everything else that she couldn't have …

"Rachel, this is Emma. Emma this is Rachel."

Rachel wore her very best fake smile as she greeted his new girlfriend "Hi, it's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too, Rachel." She replied.

It was taking everything she had to keep herself from falling apart. She was totally distraught but couldn't show it. She didn't want them to know. She prayed that she could keep it together long enough to get away from them.

And then something unusual happened, so unusual that both Ross and Rachel were both caught off guard. Emma bent down and whispered something into Rachel's ear, causing her to freeze. As she stood back up Emma just stood there as if waiting for an answer. Rachel stared at her and then looked over at Ross before returning her gaze towards her. She considered her words for a moment before opening her mouth …

"Ross …"

"Yeah?" he replied.

"Could you … could you go get me a cup of water? I forgot to take my vitamins. Please?" she lied.

Ross stood there before them a bit confused. He looked between the two before dropping his things on a seat next to her.

"Sure, but you shouldn't be drinking tap water … it's bad for you and the baby. I'll get you some bottled water. Is there anything else you need?" he asked.

She looked at him for a moment. She wanted to get him alone so that she could tell him everything. She wouldn't get that chance. Her head hurt …

"How about some aspirin? I'm getting a terrible headache." She replied.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." He replied as he walked off. As Ross walked out-of-sight the pair were finally able to talk freely. It was Rachel who spoke first. She wanted this over with as quickly as possible …

"Well, he's gone, what did you want to say to me?" she asked with her arms crossed over her chest in a defensive posture.

Emma continued to stand before her, crossing her arms as well before finally taking a seat directly across from her. There they sat for a moment, only 5 feet between them, sizing each other up. It was Emma who fired the first salvo …

"You must think I'm quite a bitch, don't you?"

The question caught Rachel off-guard. She was used to hating his girlfriends in silence and without confrontation. This one would be different. She wanted to let her know how she felt … but it was none of her business.

"What? Why do you say that? You don't know me at all!"

Emma had expected Rachel to be defensive. She also knew more about her then Rachel ever dreamt possible. She had some things to say … and if she knew Ross it wouldn't be long before he returned from his errand …

"You love him, don't you?"

Shocked at being asked such a direct question Rachel became belligerent. Dropping her hands from her chest she replied "How dare you ask me that question! It's none of your business how I feel about him or anyone else!"

Emma looked deep into Rachel's eyes. Ross had mentioned Rachel's temper before. This wasn't going to be easy …

"Do you know?"

"Know what?" asked Rachel, angrily.

"Do you truly know how much you mean to him? Do you have any idea how much Ross loves you?"

A single breath was all it took to wipe away all of Rachel's anger. Her sadness melted away, temporarily replaced by one of confusion. 'Why is his new girlfriend telling me that he loves me?' she wondered.

Rachel looked down at her hands. She focused on them, wondering why they were there, doing nothing. She was nervous and uncomfortable. She raised her hands to her head and they sprang into action, brushing them through her hair, causing Emma to laugh …

"He mentioned your nervous habit … you know, running your hands through your hair."

Rachel stopped fidgeting with her hair and looked over at Emma, finally asking the question her adversary had been waiting for …

"Who are you?"

"My name is Emma, I work with Ross. I produce his show for the Discovery Channel."

Rachel hadn't gotten the answer she had hoped for …

"And you're his …"

She was cut off.

"Girlfriend? Nooooo, I'm not Ross's girlfriend. He and I work together and we've become good friends … that' all. After all, I could never be Ross's girlfriend."

Rachel was very curious … and as usual that curiosity got the best of her …

"Why, why couldn't you be his girlfriend?"

"I couldn't or wouldn't for two simple reasons. First, I'm happily married. My husband and I have a son, a son who hasn't seen his mother in three weeks."

Then Emma stopped, tilted her head a bit to the left and managed a small smile before replying "The second reason is obvious."

"What? What's the second reason?" asked Rachel.

"I could never date a man who I knew would end up breaking my heart."

Rachel, again curious asked "Emma, how do you know that he would break your heart?"

"I would never date a man knowing how much he loved another woman. No other woman could make him as happy as he was when he was with you. I would end up being cast aside in the end."

A feeling of warmth encompassed Rachel. Smiling, she sunk back into her seat.

She had been mistaken. He hadn't found another girlfriend.

"How do you know these things about me?" asked Rachel.

"Ross and I travel a lot and, well, you know Ross, he likes to talk." Emma paused for a moment before continuing …

"So, when we came off the plane together I presume you thought that Ross had found another girlfriend?" asked Emma.

"I did think that, yes. I saw him kiss you."

"Yes, he kissed me on the cheek. It's funny how you see things that aren't there … when your life seems to be falling apart."

"Yes, you're right. I was very upset." replied Rachel.

"I can only imagine." Emma then looked around to find that Ross was still nowhere is sight. Turning back to Rachel she continued … "Look, we don't have much time."

She paused before continuing …

"Rachel, I just spent the last three weeks with Ross in Peru. It was awful."

"Awful?" asked Rachel, curious.

Emma smiled before continuing … "Yeah, all he could talk about was you_**."**_

"Really?" asked Rachel, thrilled to hear the news.

"Are you kidding? If we weren't filming that's all he did. He went on-and-on about how great you are and how he loved being with you."

Emma paused again …

"It's too bad about the whole Mark and Chloe incident though …"

"He told you about Mark and Chloe?"

"Yup. He told me the whole story in vivid detail."

"Oh." replied Rachel, not knowing what to say.

"Yeah, but I don't think Mark or Chloe were the real problem in your relationship." replied Emma. "No, the problem was you."

"Me?" retorted Rachel, feeling as though she was being blamed for it all.

"Rachel, I've only known Ross for about a year. He's told me a lot about himself and of his friends. Of all the people we've talked about the one recurring theme is the friend … the best friend who became so much more to him then he ever dreamt she could become. He seems so happy when he talks about her … until he gets to Mark and Chloe."

Rachel cringed at hearing the names. They represented the lowest of the low points of her life. She reached over to Emma and placed her hands on hers. Emma, touched by Rachel's dropping her guard pulled her hands away … only to take Rachel's in her own. She gently squeezed Rachel's hands, telling her that she understood … and that everything would be alright.

"Mark and Chloe seem like the bad guys in this story … but they're not."

"Really? Then who is?" questioned Rachel.

"Not every story has to have an antagonist Rachel. The problem was neither Mark nor Chloe … it was you."

"Emma, why do you keep blaming me for our breakup?"

"Rachel, I'm not blaming you. I'm trying to explain that you were the reason that Ross and Rachel broke up. You broke up because Ross put you on a pedestal, a pedestal so high that he couldn't possibly reach you. Then one day he found out that you actually would lower yourself to his level … to be with him."

"Me, on a pedestal … now that's a laugh." replied Rachel.

"Rachel, think about it. Ross had a crush on you since he was in high school. Later, as his marriage to Carol was ending you come back into his life. Tell me, did he ask you out when you came to live with his sister?"

"Well, he asked me if I would mind if I would go out with him … but he never did."

"Exactly!" exclaimed Emma. "He didn't ask you out because he was afraid that you would reject him. He had already lost his wife … he wouldn't have been able to take your rejection as well."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that when you started working with Mark he saw him as a threat. It wasn't your fault that he did … but Mark and Chloe did not break you up, it was his intense feelings for you and his inability to deal with them."

Then Emma eliminated any doubt in Rachel's eyes that she had blamed her for their breakup …

"Rachel, you seem like a very nice person … but you couldn't have possibly lived up to his expectations of you. It's too bad though …"

"What, what's too bad?" asked Rachel.

"It's too bad that the two of you let your pride get in the way of being together. Ross let a perceived threat destroy what you had … you had a choice to make when you found out that he cheated on you … and you chose to bail."

"He told you?"

"Rachel, he's told me so much I can't stand it anymore! All I know is that the two of you make me very sad. You love each other so much … but you are two very different people. He's the bookish scientist and you're the popular cheerleader. You're so different that your relationship shouldn't work … but it did. From what Ross told me it was the happiest year of his life."

"It was for me as well." replied Rachel, bowing her head.

"That's why I'm surprised that you two aren't together. Being so different makes you work harder on the relationship, usually making it stronger. In your case you both had choices and now you're paying the price."

"But I forgave him!" yelled Rachel, as softly as a woman can yell.

"Yes, you did. He told me so. The problem is that, for some reason he can't or won't forgive himself."

Emma looked around for Ross one last time before asking the question …

"Are you going to wait for him?"

"Wait for him?" asked Rachel.

"Can you find it within yourself to wait for him to forgive himself for Chloe … or will you move on?"

Rachel wanted to tell … her but something held her back. If she was going to tell anyone it was going to be him. He deserved to know first and to make his decision, their decision before anyone else knew.

"Emma, ten minutes ago I never thought I'd say this … but thank you. Thanks for spending time with me, thanks for telling me about what Ross said and how he feels about me. Thanks for being so honest with me. And I wanted to say thank you for not being Ross's girlfriend."

Emma didn't answer immediately. She had something else to say even though she had already said a lot and perhaps too much. She considered what it truly meant to be a friend, a friend to Ross and perhaps to Rachel …

"Rachel, tell me, do you think Ross is doing what makes him truly happy, you know, what he was meant to do with his life?"

Rachel considered her question before answering "Yes, he loves dinosaurs. He loves being a paleontologist."

Emma thought for a moment, trying to form a response …

"You're wrong."

"Wrong?" asked Rachel, surprised. She knew that Ross was all about dinosaurs.

"I don't believe that being a paleontologist is his first calling. Don't get me wrong, he loves being one but I think there is something else that he'd rather do."

"What, what is it?" asked Rachel, expectantly.

"I believe that he'd give it all up to have a family and the chance to be a loving husband and father. That's what he was ultimately born to be."

The two women smiled for a second before standing and hugging one another. They were interrupted …

"What's going on? Rachel, I have your aspirin and bottled water."

The two released themselves and Emma grabbed her things, all the time smiling at Rachel. She then walked over to Ross, gave him a kiss on the cheek and started walking away.

"Emma?"

She stopped and turned around. Staring at her friend she smiled and replied "Ross, I'll see you in a week at the studio for post-production on the Peru shoot. Enjoy your week off. You worked hard, you deserve it."

And at that she melted into the crowd making its way through the terminal.

Ross, still very confused at the turn-of-events since he had disembarked from the jet looked over at Rachel and smiled …

"Are you ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." she replied.

Ross picked up his carry-on luggage against the protests of Rachel, who wanted to help. As they started to walk towards the baggage claim carousel Rachel decided that it was time.

It was time to tell him …

"Ross …"

He stopped and turned towards her, encumbered by the bag and his coat he was carrying.

"Yeah?"

"Can we stop for a minute … and get a cup of coffee before we leave. I'm tired."

Ross, ever concerned for her care immediately dropped his things and put his hands on her stomach.

"Are you OK? Is everything alright?" he asked, panicked.

"Ross, I'm tired, that's all. I'm fine, the baby's fine, I just wanted to relax for a second and have a cup of coffee."

Ross relaxed. Scanning the terminal he replied "Well, there's no Central Perk here but there is a Starbucks over there. They don't appear to be busy right now."

"Can we go get some coffee then?" she asked.

"Only if you have decaffe." He replied.

"Fine, let's go. I need to get off my feet."

Having ordered their drinks the pair sat and relaxed for a few fleeting minutes, saying nothing, that was until she decided that it was time to change their history ...

"Ross."

"Yeah?"

I need to tell you something."

"OK, what?"

"While you were gone … Monica got hurt."

"Hurt? How … how is she?"

"She's fine. Actually, she got hurt during a fight."

"A fight? Monica's not a schoolgirl anymore. What was she doing in a fight? Who's ass did she kick?"

"How did you know she won the fight?"

"Please Rachel, she's my sister. She's half my size and she can kick my butt at any time she pleases. So tell me, who was she fighting with?"

This was it …

"Chloe."

"Chloe? What was she doing fighting Chloe?" he asked.

"She ran into her on the street earlier today. Monica accused her of ruining our relationship. That's how the fight started."

"Wow." Was all Ross could say. Coming to his senses he asked "Was she hurt?"

"No, but when Monica had Chloe pinned to the ground … well, Chloe told her some things that … that you should know about."

"What things?" asked Ross, now getting very concerned.

Rachel looked down, a bit embarrassed. "Well, Monica had her pinned to the pavement and she accused her of being a slut and well … Chloe started yelling and calling her all sorts of names … because well … because she said that you and her never had sex … you were so drunk that you couldn't have had sex with her even if you wanted to. You couldn't perform Ross. You never had sex with Chloe! You didn't cheat on me!"

Ross sat there staring at Rachel with his hot coffee pouring out all over himself. It hurt … but the pain was nothing in comparison to the realization that the last year of his life had been a lie. He had never intended to cheat on Rachel … and now the realization that he had not sent his mind spinning.

The pain that he felt from the scalding he was receiving was nothing in comparison to the heartache he felt as he stared at the woman who he had hurt … the one person on the planet that he would allow to take his breath away …


	27. Dance With Me

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I fractured my hand, it's in a cast and typing is a challenge. A few notes about this chapter: I've included some of my favorite themes from my favorite episodes in this chapter. You shouldn't have any problems finding them. The lyrics included in this chapter are from an un-published song by Alice Peacock. She wrote it exclusively for another SITCOM. Please go to her website ALICEPEACOCK dot COM and listen. Let me know what you think.**

**I've decided to write just one more chapter and then the big finale (epilogue).**

**Please read, possibly enjoy and perhaps review.**

**Thank you ...**

* * *

Some time later …

--

"Joey, what are you doing? Stop eating those chips and get over here and hide! Rachel will be home any second now."

"But I'm hungry Monica. I haven't had anything to eat since 6 o'clock."

"Joey, that was thirty minutes ago! You're telling me that you can't hold out for another few minutes?"

"No, I can't. I'm starving to death."

"Joey, why don't you just bring the bag of chips over here and you can eat them while you hide." interjected Phoebe.

"That's a great idea Phoebes … I'll do that!" replied Joey as he grabbed the bag of potato chips and walked over to his intended hiding place.

After rolling her eyes in frustration Monica turned towards the balcony and yelled out to Chandler …

"Chandler! Do you see her yet?"

"Not yet, she should be by anytime now." replied Chandler as he continued to lean over the balcony, watching for Rachel to appear on the street. "Wait, there she is! She's here!"

Monica became anxious at the news. Quickly she scanned the room full of food, gifts and decorations. She frowned as her inner perfectionist critiqued it all. It wasn't perfect but there was no time for improvement.

Climbing through the window, Chandler went to his pre-designated hiding place while Monica hid with him. The group waited for a minute for Rachel to appear before Monica realized that they had forgotten to turn off the lights …

"Chandler, the lights!"

Immediately Chandler jumped to his feet, ran to the light switch and turned the lights off before turning back towards their hiding place. Unfortunately, with the lights off he could no longer see where he was going …

"Ouch!"

"What's wrong?" asked Monica.

"I just hit my knee against the end table. It hurts."

"Is it damaged?" she asked.

"What, the table or my knee?" replied Chandler.

"Chandler, get over here before Rachel gets home. Hurry!"

Just then the door opened, allowing some light into the room …

"Where is everyone?" asked the figure at the door. "Why are all the lights turned off?"

Reaching for the light switch turned the lights on, illuminating the interior of the apartment. It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the lights before she could make out the array of party decorations before her …

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" yelled her friends as they sprang from their hiding places.

Surprised, Rachel dropped her bag and put her hands to her face. "You guys almost scared me to death! Wow, look at all the decorations and beautiful birthday cake. Thank you Monica."

"Hey, I helped!" shouted Joey.

Turning towards Joey she gave him a hug … " And thank you Joey, I can tell you helped put up the decorations. They have that Joey touch."

"You can tell? Cool." He replied.

As she started taking her coat off she scanned the room, looking for her boyfriend.

He wasn't there. It was her birthday … and he wasn't there. She turned towards Monica …

"Mon, where's Ross? Why isn't he here for my birthday party?"

Monica could see the disappointment in her eyes. Opening her arms and hugging her she replied "I'm sorry honey but he's not going to be here."

"Why?" asked Rachel, gently pushing her best friend away.

"Well, he was here earlier but got pulled away by some work thing. He told me to tell you he was sorry."

"Oh." Replied Rachel, disappointed and clearly hurt by the news. She knew how important she was to him … but how important was she really? It only took a call from work for him to leave. "Is this the way it is going to be?' she thought.

After having a dinner made especially for her and some cake the gang sat around the coffee table, each placing a gift upon it for her.

Chandler started the gift giving by picking up a box and handing it to her …

"OK, this one right here is from me and Monica."

Rachel took the gift and shook it but heard nothing. Opening it she found a designer sweater …

"Thank you Monica, it's beautiful."

"Hey, what about me?" asked a dejected Chandler. "I helped wrap the box."

"I could tell … and thank you too Chandler." She replied.

Rachel picked up another gift.

"That one's from me!" said Joey raising his voice in excitement.

Rachel opened the box to find a bottle of woman's perfume …

"You got me a bottle of Givenchy for Women? Joey, do you know how expensive this is?" asked a surprised Rachel.

"Yeah, it's real expensive but I got a good deal on it from a guy selling perfume down on Broadway."

Rachel looked at Joey and then at the perfume bottle, suspiciously. Cautiously, Rachel opened the bottle and slowly inched her nose to take in the aroma. Before she knew it she was nearly overcome by an overwhelming odor … one she would never dare wear. Looking over at Monica and Phoebe they understood. Quickly closing the bottle tightly she looked over at Joey …

"Joey, did you buy this at a store on Broadway or from a man selling perfume on the street?"

"Are you kidding? They wanted a lot of money for that perfume in the store but the guy had the same exact perfume for 90 off."

Carefully placing the bottle back into it's box she made sure that it did not fall and break for if it did they would all have to leave the apartment and let it air out for a month.

"Thank you Joey. The perfume smells … great." She lied, trying not to hurt his feelings.

"You're welcome Rachel." replied Joey.

At that point Rachel picked up the smallest of gifts …

"Who's this from?"

"Oh, that's Ross's. He dropped it off before he left earlier." replied Chandler.

Rachel opened the box and paused for a moment …

"Oh ... Oh my God. He remembered."

"Remembered what?" replied Phoebe.

Rachel paused for a moment before responding …

"It was like a month ago. We were walking by Tiffany's on 5th and I saw this beautiful bracelet in the window, and I told him it how much I liked it. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!"

"Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Hey, what's that?" asked Phoebe, pointing with her finger towards the open box.

"It's a matching baby bracelet. I can't believe he did this."

Rachel stared at the tiny gold bracelet that barely fit over two of her fingers. She became overwhelmed by the moment. She was having a baby. She remembered the first date that she and Ross went on right after their reunion. Her eyes became teary as she remembered his words of comfort as she told him how her life had changed because of her pregnancy …

"_**In about five months you're gonna have something that you're gonna love more than any guy you've ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea."**_

Rachel cried tears of joy. She was having a baby and from the looks of it she guessed that Ross assumed it would be a girl.

Except for the absence of Ross her evening had been wonderful. All of the sudden she started having feelings of Deja-vu …

"Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?" exclaimed Chandler.

Rachel stopped staring at the tiny bracelet long enough to look up at Chandler, perplexed.

"What did you just say?"

"Ahem... um... Crystal duck." replied Chandler, feigning a panic.

Rachel looked at each of her friends one-by-one. Each wore a sort of corny smile … like they had a secret that they wanted to tell but couldn't.

"Alright … what's going on here you guys?" she asked.

Silence …

Phoebe broke the short silence by raising her hand and pointing behind Rachel …

"Why don't you ask him?"

Rachel turned her head to find Ross standing holding a small bouquet of flowers. Getting up she made her way over to him and kissed him on the lips. The others just watched and added an occasional "Ahhhh" when merited.

"Did you like your gift?"

"Yes, it's beautiful, thank you."

"What about the baby bracelet?"

"The baby bracelet is amazing. It made me think. I'm really going to have a baby!"

"You are … and I bet it's a girl."

"I can tell. You're betting a Tiffany bracelet on it."

"I just have a feeling." He replied.

And at that the party really started. Chandler turned on some music while Rachel opened her remaining gifts. Monica broke out her most expensive wine and everyone had some, except for Rachel. She was celebrating but she was pregnant too.

Later, Ross asked Rachel to walk out onto the balcony to enjoy the night air. After putting on a sweater Rachel climbed through the window with Ross's help. Ross, carrying a small CD player put it down, put in a CD and turned it on …

"Please, dance with me?"

"Here, out on the balcony?" she asked.

"Where else would I want to dance with you? This is where we've danced so many times both as friends and … well more than friends. Please, dance with me."

Taking her hand, Ross put his arm around her waist as they started to dance slowly, closely.

They were as one, her body pressed against hers … and then she felt it, again.

_**Step out with me into the great unknown  
The world's at our feet, let's make it our home  
I'm looking at you with the stars up above  
It must be true; we're falling in love  
**_

As they swayed to the music a feeling nagged at her. 'Why won't he ask me? What is he waiting for? Is he having second thoughts?' Too many times during their on again-off again relationship they had kept it inside, to themselves. She had invested too much in their relationship. It was time to find out so she raised her head off of his chest and looked up into his eyes …

"Ross?"

"Yeah?"

"What … what is that in your pocket?"

The question immediately flustered Ross. He wasn't ready for the conversation that he knew was coming. His voice went squeaky and he started dancing faster, hoping to take her mind off of the subject.

"Ross, is there something wrong?"

"No … no, there's nothing wrong. Why would there be anything wrong?" he asked, nervously.

"Ross, why are you so nervous? Your voice is getting squeaky."

"I'm not nervous, I'm fine … really, I'm fine."

She looked forward and they buried her face into his chest, crying. Slowly she turned her face to the left and let her head rest once again on his chest. Slowly she worked up the nerve to ask the question …

"Ross?"

"Uh huh …"

"Are you ever going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" he lied. He knew exactly what she was asking.

Frustrated, she stopped dancing and looked up at him …

"I know. I know that you've been planning to ask me to marry you."

"How, how do you know?"

"Daddy told me. He told me that you kept coming to his office to ask for my hand … but he kept saying no. After twelve tries he finally gave up and agreed. "

"He told you all that?" asked Ross.

"Yeah but why won't you ask me? Why? Don't you love me? Is it the fact that the baby's not yours?"

"Rachel, it's not that at all. It's just that …"

"What, Ross? What is it?"

"It's because you're Rachel."

_**Look at us now – it took so long to find out  
This is the beginning...of our new life  
Baby keep holding on  
It's time to start living and open our eyes  
Open our eyes…  
**_

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You're Rachel. It has to be perfect. I haven't asked you because I haven't been able to find the perfect time or setting to ask you. I want to take care of you. I want everything to be perfect. And …"

_**Sometimes it seems to too good to be true  
Feels like a dream just being with you  
Cuz' I never thought that I'd get enough  
But I'm satisfied and filled with your love**_

"And what?" asked Rachel.

"I was afraid you'd say no …"

_**Look at us now – took so long to find out  
This is the beginning...of our new life  
Baby keep holding on  
It's time to start living and open our eyes  
Open our eyes…**_

At that moment Rachel Green finally realized how much she meant to Ross Geller. After all they'd been through. It took just a few simple words to express a lifetime of desire and a yearning for a better life, a life with her …

"Ross, I love you."

Ross said nothing, surprising and inwardly disappointing her. She had expected him to reciprocate … but all she got in return was a deafening silence from his mouth.

"Ross!"

Ross put a finger over her mouth, asking her to be quiet without using a word. Slowly he returned to swaying to the music. Opening his mouth he whispered into her ear …

"listen …"

… and the music continued to play …

_**I'd swim the oceans, yeah all 7 seas  
Just to show you the scope of what you mean to me  
I would shout it out loud  
In the midst of a crowd  
You're everything to me now…**_

As they moved slowly to the music she started to cry once again, onto his shirt. Ross could feel warmth of her tears as they penetrated through his shirt onto his chest. Slowly he removed his right hand from the small of her back, placing it in his pocket, unbeknownst to her. Removing the box he asked the question that had consumed his mind since that day in the coffee shop when they had first talked about getting married, paying taxes … and having children.

"Rachel?"

Lifting her head and wiping her tears she looked up at him and asked "Yeah?"

"Will you dance with me?"

"But I am dancing with you Ross"

Ross stopped dancing and moved a few feet away from Rachel, leaving her a bit bewildered …

Ross knew what he had to do. He lowered himself onto one knee and presented her with the open box …

"No, will you dance with me … forever?"

_**This is the beginning...of our new life  
Baby keep holding on  
It's time to start living and open our eyes  
Open our eyes…**_

--

Meanwhile, inside the apartment …

Monica stood there, transfixed, watching the drama unfold on her balcony. She was so engrossed in the moment that she failed to notice a figure walk up beside her. She came out of her trance as an arm was slipped around her back …

"Oh chandler, you scared me!"

"I'm sorry Mon … didn't you see me walk up to you?"

"No, I was watching them." she replied as she pointed out towards the balcony.

"What's so interesting out there? They're only kissing … ooooh, gross." replied Chandler.

"Chandler, please stop joking just for tonight, please."

"Alright, I can stop joking. Mon, what's the big deal about tonight? It's just Rachel's birthday."

Monica looked out at the happy couple and then up at her boyfriend …

"Ross just proposed to Rachel."

"What?" asked Chandler, loudly, so that everyone else could hear.

Joey and Phoebe walked over after hearing Chandler yell …

"What's going on?" asked Joey.

"Ross just proposed to Rachel." replied Chandler.

"This is great!" replied Joey. "They're finally going to be a family."

"See, I told you. He's her lobster.

"Oh no … not again." complained Chandler.

"C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . ."

"Phoebe, we get it." Plead Monica.

"You don't believe me do you? Don't you remember the day when Rachel came into Central Perk in her wet wedding dress?"

"Yeah so what?" asked Chandler.

"Don't you remember that Ross had come in just a few minutes earlier and he was really depressed and angry at Carol for leaving him?"

"OK … and?" asked Monica.

"Don't you remember what he said?"

"What did he say Phoebe, I can't remember!" exclaimed Joey.

"He said: _I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!_ Not two minutes later the girl of his dreams comes through the door in a wedding dress!"

"Oh yeah …" replied the others.

"Ross and Rachel are very different people, so different that they shouldn't be together … but they are. Everything in both their lives has built up to this very moment. Love found a way."

Monica Chandler and Joey turned their heads to look out at the happy couple, now holding each other in a warm embrace.

"They're lobsters …"


	28. What is and What Should Be

**Thank you all for reading this story and for putting up with the delays in publishing some of the chapters. This is the last full chapter (28) of "Where Have You Gone?" I wrote the Epilogue to this story a year ago. All I have to do is to clean off the dust and polish it up a bit. I should be able to publish it within a week. Enjoy ...**

* * *

Uncomfortable cannot begin to describe how she felt that moment. She couldn't sleep as her pregnancy had taken its toll on her body. No matter which way she turned she was uncomfortable. She felt like a beached whale …

Reading was one of the few pleasures that remained for her. Laying there in bed with a book propped up against her stomach she read until she was exhausted, but still sleep eluded her. Slumber was impossible there was simply too much going on in her mind to sleep. She was getting married in a few hours … and her fiancé was sleeping right next to her … in all his glory.

Turning towards him she smiled. She looked over him trying to remember the way he looked his last night as her boyfriend … and first as her husband.

She was having doubts …

Her fiancé lay there on his stomach with his face on his pillow, turned towards her. His eyes were closed and mouth opened, a horrible snoring sound emanating from his nose and some sort of disgusting liquid drooling from his mouth. She didn't know if she could take a lifetime of this.

She rolled her eyes as she pressed her hands to her ears, trying to mask the noise of his snoring. Just then her fiancé turned over with such force that she nearly fell of the bed. She had had enough …

"Honey, wake up."

He didn't respond.

"Honey, wake up!" she said, louder.

Still there was no response.

"Ross, wake up!" she yelled as she hit him on the shoulder with her hand.

Woken so abruptly from his slumber Ross immediately assumed there was an emergency. Still half asleep he rolled over as quickly as possible to face her … only to roll off his side of the bed. The floor below was composed of extremely hard wood …

THUD

"Ow!"

Silence …

She sat there with her arms crossed looking over the edge of the bed, waiting for him to get back into bed. She waited until her frustration got the best of her …

"Ross?"

"Yeah."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you still on the floor? Why don't you get back into bed?"

"I'm too tired to get up."

"Ross!" she yelled.

"What?" he replied as he raised himself up to the bed. "Is it time?"

"No, I'm not in labor. I just feel miserable. I can't get comfortable no matter what I do! You know this is all your fault!"

"My fault? How is this my fault?" he responded, puzzled, as he climbed back into bed.

"I want this baby out of me! If you would just have sex with me like Dr. Long recommended …"

"I'm not gonna make love to you just so that you'll go into labor."

"Make love? What are you a girl?"

"Rachel, you're then one that wanted to get married before the baby was born …"

"Come on Ross! I'm miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me."

"Rach, ever since I proposed you've been dreaming of our wedding. How would you feel if you had the baby ON your wedding day? We'd have to cancel the ceremony." Then Ross put his hands on her back and started to rub. "Here, let me give you a massage."

For the next few minutes there conversation was punctuated only by an occasional "… ahh." From Rachel.

"Does that feel any better?"

"Yes, a little. Thanks."

"Good now lets get some sleep. We're getting married in a few hours."

Ross laid down and closed his eyes. As he tried to fall back to sleep he could tell that something else was bothering her. Opening his eyes he spied her still sitting in the same position, staring at the wall across the room. Propping his head on his right hand he spoke …

"Rachel."

"Huh?"

"Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. What gives you the idea that anything is wrong?"

"Why don't you go to sleep?"

"I don't understand you Ross. Aren't you excited? How can you sleep at a time like this!"

"Rachel, you forget … I've been married before. I've been through this already. I can understand that you're anxious and excited but there's something else that you're not telling me. What's wrong?"

"We're getting married today and we'll be together … forever." She replied as if resigned to some miserable fate.

Trying not to take her comment personally he tried to come up with the right words to respond to this …

"You're having second thoughts aren't you?"

"Second thoughts … no, no, I'm not having second thoughts. Why would I be having second thoughts?" she asked, defensively.

"I've had second thoughts too … with Carol and with you."

"You did?" she asked, amazed at his honesty.

"Sure, but I know that marrying you is the right thing for me to do."

There was a pause between them when neither spoke a word until Ross continued …

"What about you, Rachel? What are you having second thoughts about?"

Rachel looked down for a moment and then back up at him. She didn't know how to explain it to him except to just come out and ask him …

"Ross?"

"Yeah?"

"You love me, don't you?"

"Of course I love you … you shouldn't even have to ask."

Rachel again paused and looked down again …

"Why do you love me?" she asked before looking back up at him.

Ross stopped. For a moment he stopped thinking and breathing and for a moment he was sure his heart stopped. His beloved had just asked one of those questions that requires just the right answer. There would be no avoiding it. His answer would determine their future. The answer had to come from the heart. Ross sat up on the bed and after a few seconds began to speak, trying to put together carefully chosen words into a coherent thought …

"Wow." Was the first thing that came out of his mouth.

Rachel, flustered and embarrassed tried to avoid the issue that she had brought up by suppressing it and moving on to another …

"Ross, it's OK … you don't have to answer. Let's talk about the baby instead."

"I'm sorry." he replied.

"Sorry for what?" she asked, curiously.

"I'm sorry that I haven't had this talk with you before now. I'm sorry that I have done such a poor job allaying your fears. It's obvious that I haven't done a good job communicating how I feel."

"Ross, forget about it. It doesn't matter. Let's talk about something else … or instead let's get some sleep."

"Perhaps if you knew why I love you … you wouldn't be so afraid of getting married." he replied.

"I'm not afraid of marrying you Ross." She replied as she looked down and fidgeted with her hands. "I'm afraid of getting married and then losing you."

Ross gently took her hands, causing her to look up at him …

"Rachel, what makes you think that you would lose me?"

"Ross, hasn't every relationship that you've had with a woman ended … and ended badly? Just look at what happened with Carol."

"You're afraid that we'll end up getting a divorce, aren't you?"

"Yes, we tend to argue and fight a lot."

"Rachel, we've been back together for months now and we haven't had a fight yet."

"But we do argue a lot Ross!"

"Rach, that's the way we communicate. We are strong-willed individuals."

Ross stopped for a moment, gathering his thoughts. After taking a deep breath he told her they way he felt …

"Rachel, I love you because you make me so very happy."

"Why, why do I make you happy, Ross?"

"You make me happy because you make me feel so good about myself. Every person has a need to be loved. You love me, right?" he replied, exhibiting his own insecurities.

"Of course I love you." She replied.

He continued …

"I also have a need to love someone … and that someone is you. You fulfill two of my most important desires … the need to be loved as well as to love."

Rachel started to tear up and a few tears fell from her eyes. Ross reached over and grabbed a few tissues from the nightstand and gently dried her tears. Taking the tissues from him she dried her eyes and nose before looking over at him …

"Thank you."

"No, thank you."

"For what?" she asked.

"Thank you for being here with me right now, for spending your life with me, for making each faceless day of my life worth living."

She chuckled for a moment in disbelief before responding …

"Ross, I think I'm the one getting the better part of the bargain here. Aren't you at least a little resentful that I'm carrying someone else's baby? You could be off having a great time with one of your old girlfriends right now. What about Bonnie? I heard the two of you really hit it off. Instead, you're stuck here with an fat pregnant woman who complains about everything and blames it all on you."

Upon hearing his fiancé bring up one of his ex-girlfriends, Ross decided to play along. Wearing a grin and faking a fond remembrance he continued …

"Bonnie? Oh yeah … she was a LOT of fun. She was beautiful and smart and sexy and …"

"Hey!" interjected Rachel looking very unhappy.

"But Bonnie or any other woman would be only second best to you. You are Rachel Green, THE Rachel Green that I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Don't ever forget the truth."

"The truth?" she asked.

"Rachel, i've always believed that life is divided into two parts … what is and what should be. With a lot of effort, some hard work and maybe a little luck there are moments in your life when the two parts touch and what is and what should be are the same. I guess I can't help but think that sitting here next to you, Rachel Green, that this is one of those times … and I thank you."

"Oh Ross." She replied, clearly overwhelmed by his choice of words.

"Rachel, look at me." He asked as he slowly ran his hand through her hair …

"What do you think about waking up and seeing this face for the rest of your life?"

Rachel spent a moment examining his face before replying, with a smile …

"It's a nice face. It's a happy face." She replied.

"It's going to get older." he replied.

"It'll still be friendly."

"What about the fact that I love dinosaurs?"

"I can live with that." she replied.

"What about the fact that I can be a self-centered jerk?"

"You can be a jerk but sometimes I can be a bitch … and you still love me."

"Listen, if you find yourself unhappy with me after we get married you can always divorce me."

"What? Divorce you? I don't want to get divorced!"

Ross smiled at her and replied "Then I guess I'll have to make you as happy as I can so that you'll never want to divorce me."

Smiling, Rachel gave him a short kiss on the lips and a hug. Releasing him she tussled his hair as he tried to continue …

"Are you feeling better now?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then why don't you lie down and try to get some sleep? Monica and Phoebe will be here at 10:00 to help you get ready for the ceremony. You know how punctual she is."

"Yeah, I do … just like her brother." She replied as she smiled over at him.

"Do you realize that Monica will officially be your sister today?"

"I know … I can't wait. Remember when you had to go to China on my birthday …?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because after Monica and I found out that you loved me she got so excited. She called us "friend's-in-law"."

"And today you'll be sister's-in-law."

"Ross."

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget that you're getting two extra sisters of your own today. Amy and Jill will be your sister's-in-law too."

"Now I'm REALLY having second thoughts about marrying you." He replied in jest. "Let's go to sleep, OK?"

"Alright." she replied, laughing. She reached over and turned out the light.

As she lay there in the darkness she thought about their conversation, her mind wandering through space and time in retrospect of their past and of their future. Her eyelids grew heavy and they began to close. Just as she was about to fall asleep she was awoken by the deafening snore of the man lying next to her. There, in the blackness she once again rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration. She wasn't sure if she could take a lifetime of this.

But she couldn't wait to try …


	29. Epilogue

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed in the past and especially EXINTARIS, one of the last old-school (no pun intended) writer of Friends fics. So many great fic writers have "retired" per se. Some that come to mind include Knib17 and my all-time favorite (drum roll please ...) Tina Chaves. If you've been here for a while you've seen the quality of the fics decline somewhat over the last few years. This is to be expected as the show has been out of production since May, 2004. **

**Gone are the days when you could come here and find so many updates to quality fics that you could read/review all afternoon. I miss that ...**

**I've been writing fics for a few years now ... and unless something changes this may be my last. I've found that the "passion" is just not there anymore. Perhaps this is what happened to Knib and Tina. I'll probably never know but I'll miss writing these long stories. Perhaps I'll add a one-shot in the future. I still plan to review those stories that interest me.  
**

**On to the story ...**

**What follows is the epilogue to "Where Have You Gone?". I started this in October of 2006 as an alternative storyline to the producer's handling of Ross/Rachel's breakup in Season 3, which I found very unrealistic. Ross loved Rachel forever while Rachel loved Ross with a passion she had never had with any other man. The show handled it the only way they could to keep a coherent, profitable show ... they kept them at arms length, both loving and hating (and some not caring) for many years. If you've ever lost at love you will realize that some love never dies ... and that is what was (ultimately) portrayed in the show, especially towards the end of season 10. This story was an attempt to make the post-breakup more realistic. It got out of hand a bit ... to the tune of 29 chapters!**

**Thank you to the few who still read and review. You are a dieing (yet very appreciated) breed ... **

_**The passion may be gone but I put everything I had left into this one chapter ...**_

* * *

**Every story has to have a beginning, a middle and an end …**

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**Epilogue**

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My face feels warm …

I open my eyes and am blinded as the light of the morning sun shines through my window.

I take a deep breath …

I stretch out my arms to wrench the sleep from my tired body.

As I swing my arms across the bed I realize that it's true, it was no dream.

It had happened.

The smile leaves my face as the comfort that was sleep finally departs from my mind.

I am alone … again.

He said that he would never leave me … he promised. I don't know why I believed him. I guess it was because I was young and naïve and was so much in love with him. He was my hero, my rescuer … my everything. I would have believed anything he told me at that moment.

Such is love.

And now I am alone, again.

I will miss him. Over the years he had become many things to me, my best friend, my lover, my husband … the voice in my head that told me how important I was … and how much I was loved. This time I won't be able to go after him … to ask him why he left. I don't have to … I know all too well why he had to go. My heart stings with the pain of loneliness, of knowing that I'll never see him or talk to him or make love to him … again … ever.

He's gone.

Today is the day I've dreaded for so long … the day I am to say goodbye.

I sigh and look up at the ceiling. A tear drops down the side of my face. I don't want to get up. I don't want to leave my bed …

… My lonely bed.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to be alone. I'm tired, too tired to get out of bed …

… too tired to say goodbye.

I'll stay in bed all day today. I'll wait for a better day … a day I know will never come.

I prepare myself for the inevitable …

I have to say goodbye, today.

I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep, to escape …

I can't. I'm interrupted …

"Good morning Gramma!" the child says as she jumps onto my bed.

It's my granddaughter, the youngest child of my youngest son. My perfect little granddaughter.

A perfect enough reason not to give up … and to go on.

"Good morning baby. How are you this bright morning?" I ask.

"I'm OK Gramma." She replies as her curiosity gets the best of her …

"Gramma, where's Grampa?"

She doesn't know.

She's too young.

She wouldn't understand.

It would hurt too much if she knew …

"Papas not here right now …" I reply, trying to find a way out of this terrible mess.

"But I brought the paper for us to fight over with him, Gramma."

"I know." I reply. I don't know what else to say. Thankfully my son saves me as he knocks on my door …

"Mom, are you decent?"

"Yes, come in." I reply.

"Aurora, what are you doing in here? Are you bothering your grandmother?"

"Oh no daddy, I love my Gramma. I would never bother her."

I melt. I'm dying inside and I can't do or say a thing about it.

Before me stands my youngest son, a product of the love that my husband and I once had for each other. I can stand it no more, I begin to cry. Noting my emotional decay my son again saves me …

"Aurora, please leave your grandmother alone, she's tired. Go eat your breakfast. Your mother is making it for you downstairs."

"OK Daddy." she replies. Turning towards me she kisses me on the cheek and scurries off …

"I'm sorry mom; I hope she didn't bother you."

I raise my eyes to meet his … "They never bother me. You and you brother and sisters never bothered me."

An uncomfortable silence fills the room. My son is emotionally unprepared and ill-equipped to play the role of his mother's comforter. He doesn't know what to say or do to relieve my pain. In an effort to ease the tension I take his hand and guide him down onto the bed.

"Please hug me." I ask.

"Do you have to ask?" he replies as he takes me in his arms.

We sit there embracing for a minute as I gain the strength to talk about things I really don't want to talk about …

… and to start dressing for places I really don't want to go to.

"What time will the limousine be here?" I ask.

"At 10:00." He replies.

Raising myself off the bed I walk over to the closet …

"Then I better start getting ready. You know how long it takes me …"

"Do you want some breakfast?" he asks.

"No, thanks, I'm not hungry." I reply. How could I eat at a time like this? Why would I care to? I find it interesting how you lose interest in things … when your world lay in ruin around you.

Two hours later I find myself sitting in front of my mirror, looking at what time has done to me. I examine every little facet of my face. Wrinkles and splotches of differing color are the main features of my reflection. My face resembles a mountain range with high peaks and deep crevasses. Long gone is my smooth skin. The only reason my hair has any color at all is because of the gallons of hair dye that my stylist pours over my head each month. I sit and wonder. I wonder what he ever saw in me and why he ever stayed so long. He could have always found a younger woman … but that wouldn't have been him. He was always so loyal to me.

I am brought out of my daydream by my son …

"Mom, the limo is here to take us to the church. Do you need any help getting down the stairs?" He asks.

"No, I'm fine." I reply. "I'll be right down." I look towards my door to the stairs in the hallway. I consider the problems I might have getting down them by myself. It would be so easy just to "accidentally" trip and fall.

It would solve so many of my problems.

As I approach the first step I consider the easy way out. Taking my first step I quickly consider the implications of what I'm about to do. I stop and consider how selfish it would be and how much pain and hurt I would cause the ones I love. I lower my foot to the step and slowly repeat the process until I make it down the stairs, safely.

As I am guided into the limousine I am surrounded by my children and their spouses. They've come from all over to be with me this day. As the car begins to move my eyes slowly move between them. Memories of the past flood my mind as I relive the life that I was given and enjoyed. I have truly been blessed to have had such wonderful children. I wonder … I wonder what it would have been like without him in my life. I can't imagine how different things would have been, how different my children would have been without their father …

… how all but one would never have been born.

I remember …

I remember how he came to my rescue and watched over me when I was pregnant with our daughter, fathered by another man. He didn't care who her father was, all he cared about was that she came from me. After she was born he always treated her as his own.

How different would my world have been?

As we arrive at the church I wonder if he would have been mad at me. In the end I decided to use a church instead of a synagogue. I hope he wouldn't be mad.

At the church I am lead like the old woman that I am down the isle towards the front … where it sits, the cold metal box that holds what's left of my life. My sons lead me to a seat … I resist.

"Boys, you go ahead and sit. Give me a few moments to be with your father … one last time?" I ask.

As I approach the casket I find it easier than I thought it would be … to see him again. I am handling it with uncharacteristic reserve. Where I am getting this strength I will never know.

I pause …

He looks so peaceful …

He looks asleep.

He looks so pale …his face has already begun to sag.

He looks terrible. What did I expect? Sometimes I feel like such a fool. How naïve can an old woman be?

I lift my hand and gently graze my knuckles against his cheek …I pull back abruptly. His skin is so cold. Then it hits me … that's not him … he's not here, it's just his body, the vessel that once contained my love.

He truly is gone.

I slowly work up the courage to run my hands through his hair, one last time. Long gone are his long brown locks, now replaced by strands of silver and gray.

I remember back … I think it was when we were in our fifties, as his hair started changing color. I used to tell him how distinguished he looked. As the years went by and we aged into our sixties the gray took over completely. At least he kept his hair, unlike most men his age.

All of my life has come down to this one moment …

I lean in and kiss him on the lips … for the last time.

"Goodbye, my love." I whisper so that only he and I can hear …

* * *

He had chosen a beautiful time of the year to leave me. It was late spring and the cold of winter was a distant memory. The sun shone so brightly that I had to wear my sunglasses just to keep my old eyes open. A light breeze swept through the trees, causing their branches to sway. The breeze was a welcome respite from the heat. With most people wearing black it would have been most uncomfortable without it.

As the casket was lowered into the ground I knelt … to grab a handful of dirt.

My arthritis is acting up and I can't get to my feet. My sons have to help me up.

Such is old age.

The casket hits the bottom of the vault with a thud that surprises me. I think they should have been more careful when lowering my husband into his final resting place.

I walk over to the hole and with one final farewell I drop the dirt from my hand … onto the casket.

As go to leave I can take it no more … I break down. I felt so embarrassed … but I didn't care. I lost it in front of all of my family and guests ...

… but I couldn't keep up the act anymore. I wasn't OK with all of this. I never was and never would be. The entire day had been just a show … for the outward world to see.

If it were up to me I should have just fallen down those damn stairs … so that I could be with him, again.

* * *

I sit here on my porch talking with my eldest daughter. The rest of my family is enjoying themselves in the house. They don't often get the chance to get together … except for weddings and funerals.

Such is life.

I'm surrounded by the ones I love … yet I feel alone.

I hold a letter in my hand. It's a voice … a voice from the grave. My husband knew he was going to leave me … and he wanted to say goodbye. I just found it in our bedroom, today. He had hidden it so that I wouldn't find it for a while. He wanted me to be able to recover before I found and read it.

I've read the letter and I can't stop thinking about what he said. He told me that he loved me and didn't want to go … but he had no choice in the matter. His letter contained a question that I hadn't really expected to be asked. My eyes stare at the words …

.

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"_**What did you expect? We don't live forever, my love."**_

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.

I look up at my daughter and decide to speak up …

"Well, I guess this is it."

"What do you mean mother?" she replies.

"I'm the last one."

"The last one?" she questions, curiously.

"I'm the last one alive of my generation, dear. All of your aunts and uncles, my friends and your father … they're all gone."

I feel so alone.

Other than my children I have no one to talk to.

All my friends are gone.

"Mother, can you answer a question for me?"

"Of course dear." I reply.

My daughter wears a strange look on her face, one that I've never seen before. She looks apprehensive and pained about something …

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Mother …" She replies as she lowers her eyes to the floor.

"I need to ask you a question … it might be hard for you to answer."

"Ask me." I reply.

"Was Dad really my father?" She asks, looking straight into my eyes.

Her eyes pierce my flesh. We've never told her the truth and on this day-of-days she asks me this. How could she know? I try to act surprised, in a futile attempt to keep the truth from her.

"Why do you think this? What gave you the idea that your dad was not your biological father?" I ask, in desperation. It's been a horrible day … and now it's getting worse.

"Mother, after dad died I was looking through some old papers, trying to organize them for the estate … and I found this."

She hands me a piece of paper, a document like a knife that was cutting me, opening up old wounds …

"What's this?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

She believes me. I suppose she believes that I am forgetful and losing my memory. Unfortunately, I know exactly what the paper is and what it represents …

… I just can't believe that she found it … and that I didn't destroy it years ago.

"Mother, this is a medical form from when I was a baby. It has my entire medical history on it, including that of my biological parents."

Then she asks me the question that I feared she would ask … a question that I never dreamed she would, except in my worst nightmares …

"Mother, who is Mark Johnson?"

There, she asked the question. I try to look unaffected by it but I can't. She sees right through me. She knows …

"Mother, please. Be honest with me. Was he my father?"

Anger builds up within me. I'm furious! How could she ever think that he could be her father?

… On the same day that she said goodbye to her real one.

I lie …

"No dear, he was not your father."

She's not persuaded. She knows. She rephrases her question so that I can lie to her no more …

"Mother, I love you. Please tell me the truth. Did you ever have a relationship with this man? Did he get you pregnant with me?"

I break down again. I can lie to her no more. She must know the truth …

"Yes. I dated him before I married your father." I reply. I hope and pray that she asks me no more …

"Why didn't you end up with this Mark person instead of with dad? What happened?" She asks.

My daughter is asking just the right questions … at just the wrong time. She's become an aggressive prosecutor. I'm tired. I have little energy to fight her prosecution. I surrender …

"Your father and I dated for a year and then broke up. I dated Mark after your father and I broke up and before we got back together and got married. One day I discovered I was pregnant, with you. When I told him he got angry and accused me of trying to trap him into something he didn't want. He gave me a choice."

"A choice?" she asks.

I don't want to hurt her … and the truth will hurt. She needs to know. I tell her …

"Yes. My choice was to stay together or break up."

"Why did you break up?"

"He didn't want a baby. If I wanted to stay with him … I had to abort you."

She's shocked and devastated to find that her own father wanted her gone. Her face contorts as tears stream from her eyes. She descends into sadness …

As I finish telling her the truth I can keep it inside no more. Old wounds are opened. I have failed in my life-long attempt to suppress these memories. Fifty years of pain and anguish are released in a single moment … I cry again for the hundredth time today.

"Mother … I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I … I was just curious. I needed to know the truth. I needed to know who my real father was …"

I look up at my daughter through my tears. I understand her curiosity, her compulsion to know the truth and where she came from. I can see a hint of shame on her face …

"Are you happy that you finally know?" I ask her.

My daughter looks down, away from me. Drying her eyes and nose with a tissue she slowly looks up at me and replies "I guess". She doesn't seem too sure of herself.

I wait …

I wait for her to compose herself a little more before I ask her the question that I hope I know the answer to …

"So who was your real father? Was it the man who got me pregnant and didn't want anything to do with you … or was it the man who chose to marry me and raise you as his own … despite the fact that I was pregnant with another man's baby?"

"Oh mother …" she replies as she can take it no more. I gave birth to her so many years ago and I cannot remember her crying so hard … and for so long.

I wait again. I want to tell her something and I want to make sure that she hears it.

I wait …

Minutes pass as my daughter's tears begin to ebb. I reach over to her and embrace her in my arms. She gladly accepts my love.

I raise my mouth to her ears and whisper …

"Your father loved each of you equally. He showed no preference to one of you or the other. He wouldn't acknowledge this to anyone, but you were his favorite. It doesn't mean he loved your brothers and sister any less, he just felt guilty, so guilty that he felt the need to break up with me all those years ago. He told me then that he needed to be apart from me so that he could work on his feelings and his jealousy, so that if we ever did get back together again these issues would not destroy us again. He felt so bad that you were not conceived of our love that he put everything into making your life as good as possible."

As her head leans against my shoulder she is sobbing again … I can feel it.

I can hear it.

Through her sadness I can hear her trying to whisper …

"I will miss him so much."

* * *

It's been three months since the day I said goodbye.

I was told that the grave marker was finally installed.

I asked my son to drive me there … so that I could visit him and see the stone.

I feel so cold. It's a hot day and my son has the air conditioner running … it's blowing directly on me.

"Could you please turn that down? I'm cold." I ask.

"Sure mom, I'm sorry."

"Thanks." I reply.

I feel better as the sun warms me through the window of the car.

I daydream as we pass through the city towards the place where my love rests.

So much of this place has changed since we moved here all those years ago.

We pass by a house that we considered buying when we moved out of the city.

The memories …

We decided not to buy the house … it was too small. It would have been fine for the three of us … but he wanted more children. I gave him those children and I don't regret it for a moment. I don't regret the morning sickness, the bloating and labor pains for one second.

I'm glad he wanted more children …

As we walk up to where he lays, I stop. My eyes travel over the marker that announces to the world that he is gone.

My eyes fixate on the words …

"Loving Husband and Father"

It's true, he was.

I ask my son to help me sit, next to where he rests.

I raise my arm and let my hand come to rest on the side of the stone. It feels hot, having been warmed by the afternoon sun.

I gaze at the grass below me …

Raising my eyes I look up at my son …

"This is where I will rest." I tell him as I pat my hand on the ground.

He can't take it …

He looks away and takes a few steps, trying to keep it from me …

I know …

He's crying … badly.

I made him sad.

I didn't mean too.

I just need someone to talk to … to confide in.

I needed to do it …

I need to prepare him …

I need someone to take care of things after I'm gone.

I need to toughen him up.

"Come here, please." I ask.

He returns and I take his hand.

I gently pull on his arm …

He gives in and sits down next to me in the warm grass.

"I need your help." I tell him.

"Anything, mom."

"I need you to be strong. I need you to take care of things when my time comes. I need you to have me buried here, next to your father. When the time comes I need you to be strong … for me. Can you do this?" I ask.

"I'll do my best mom. It won't be easy … but I'll try."

"Thank you." I reply.

* * *

My room is dark …

I lay in bed, staring out into the darkness.

As I close my eyes I hope …

… I hope that it will end soon.

I wonder if I will see him again.

I've lived too long.

I pray that I can rest soon … and be with him again, forever.

.

.

.

**End**


End file.
